Just woke up after sleeping most of the afternoon and tuned in to see the early election results. What I am seeing is discouraging. Voter intimidation is going to be the elections story. The NAACP is filing lawsuits in Michigan (I have Detroit network news) I bet it is bad everywhere else. The democrats knew it before hand too. I smell defeat… and not fair defeat either. I think it was Greg Pallast (a democrat investigator) that predicted a Republican victory due to voter intimidation shaving a few percent off of the vote with voter intimidation in battleground states. He knew the Republicans had lists of Florida challenge targets. I hope I am wrong… I’m getting my last beer out of the fridge.

Election day!

Looks like I initiated some-self reflection through a vague, (over)generalized comment: lizamae I will respond later as to what I was feeling and why I made it. (done.)

Monday, November 1, 2004:

(Crud. I didn’t want to combine yesterdays and todays posts.)

110! reasons why bush must go. I thought I would be pretty pumped up to see the election results tomorrow but I can’t seem to scrape up much fight right now. I find that Bush supporters tend to be uninformed and childlike in their belief in his abilities, they use arguments like “I just know” and “I just feel it”, and so on. I have a Christian fundamentalist co-worker that I tried to talk politics with, wow, I can’t believe the core beliefs and priorities some people live by, it is quite scary…. I feel pretty sour about the whole thing though. I was unbelievably crushed when Al Gore lost 4 years ago, it still really stings to think about. My largest issue is the environment, Al Gore would have looked after it like no one else ever before, he would have fought to have integrated the cost of damage to it into buisness, he understood the ecological footprint. He wrote a book, Earth in the Balance: Ecology and the Human Spirit…. Come on!! He would have been perfect!!!! Bush!!!! He is running not only the U.S.A. but the planet into the ground! Anger rising…. Fight returning!!! Howard Dean scream: YAAARHRGGARAGRGGRRRHHH!!!!! 

If you want to rewrite what’s been wrote… Vote!

If you want to squeeze the bastards throat… Vote!

If you want to keep your boat afloat… Vote!

If you are tired of the sugar coat… Vote!

If Bush makes you bloat… Vote!

If you are dying to emote… Vote!

If you’re a man and not a goat… Vote!

If you can’t sing a note… Vote!

If your couture is haute… Vote!

If your castle has a moat… Vote!

To not smite is to become smote… Vote!

If you are a Serb or a Croat… Vote!

If you can’t find the remote… Vote!

If you are in a German U-boot… Vote!

If you like Raison brand or Oat… Vote!

If Wednesday you want to gloat… Vote!

Restless tonight…. I wish I could afford to quit this job. Things are starting to unravel in some of my classes… I’m fraying at the edges. Calm down, calm down…. I haven’t been doing this blog (I hated that word the very first time I heard it) for very long and I am starting to pick up more hits and subscribers… It is starting to become an issue. Feedback is addictive. I think I need to slow down… maybe be more selective about where and when I comment. Maybe not, I don’t know. I wish I could listen to music here. I wish I had time to read. I am blowing my shot at grad school right now and it is killing me. I set the bar too high. An overloaded schedule and full time job… why did I think I could do it? Why do I care what anonymous people I will never meet think? Slow down…….. there is always something you can be doing to improve your curent situation. 

Happy Halloween!

Ok, since it is Halloween, I have a little story… was just interrupted by a little cute bear and bumblebee…. It touches a little on my October 12th post:

“5:20am. At work. Headache. Weary. I am a rotten employee. I actually used the sauna here for the first time ever tonight. I was cold so I decided it would be a nice way to warm up… it was. This place is very shining-like. A big upscale condo building with old fashioned decor. I am a glorified security guard/concierge with free reign of the place. Sometimes I watch TV in the exercise room, play pool in the billiards room etc. They dress me up in a suit and black silk tie … ehh maybe it’s rayon. Anyway, at night this place is kind of creepy. I don’t like the west wing hallway on the first floor. I’ve worked here for 3 or 4 years (all while a student) and I have known three people who have died living off/in that hallway. It always seems colder than all the other floors (even than the other wing on the same floor) and the light at the end of it always seems unusually bright. It is the only one I don’t walk down when I am checking for damage. Just got a shiver. ANd there was also that one time……..”

I will now describe that one time. (Cue scary music and deep, ominous laugh.) At the very end of that long hallway, right beside that strangely bright light used to live an older widow, Mrs. Yves. Aged somewhere in the range of 50 to 60. She had endured a long battle with cancer before she died earlier this year. She was a proud yet very kind woman, who always walked with a cart in front of her filled with documents or groceries. I think it is because she needed the assistance to steady herself but didn’t want to get a walker so soon. Every evening, she had a little ritual of walking the first floor hallway, going from her apartment to the other other end and back again. I always knew it was her because her little metal cart squeaked and had a characteristic sound. Out of all the other concierges here, I think I was her favorite. She often came in late, (I do most of the night shifts here) and I always offered assistance when I saw her come in through our parking garage. Last Christmas she gave me a bottle of good red wine. The staff here knew that during the summer things were gradually getting worse for her, doctors were making more frequent housecalls, more visits from her sister etc. One night this summer, between the time of 3am and 4am on a Monday night-Tuesday morning shift I was walking all the hallways of the building on an interior patrol. I remember feeling a little nervous doing that patrol, which is fairly normal though, this place really has a bizarre feel to it in the middle of the night. ….Interrupted again, a little lion….. Ok, so I am patrolling. In this building the hallways get longer as you get closer to the bottom, so I usually start at the top and work my way down, floor by floor. When walking down a corridor, hallway or narrow, long path do you ever get a sense of dread at what could be behind you? I do, and it never helps when you look back and nothing’s there because as soon as your eyes are forward again, you feel another chill and immediately want to look back again…. I got down to the first floor and was experiencing this emotion, but with a grim determination not to look back and walk at a slow pace. I failed, I looked behind me…. and there was Mrs. Yves. REALLY CLOSE. I yelped loud. She really scared me good. I hadn’t heard anything, she had somehow just gotten really close, cart and all. She told me “I can’t sleep, I need to walk around.” I thought “She is probably in pain.” and felt sympathetic. She asked me if I would have tea with her in her apartment. Now this is an unusual request, but I knew she was dying and felt bad for her, so I tentatively agreed. We went to her apartment and she made me Apple Cinnamon tea, which I enjoyed. Her voice was hoarse, and seemed somewhat strained, but she talked about how much she appreciated what the staff here and me in particular, did for her, as well as how her husband had died 5 years previous but had made enough money in real estate to allow her to live in such a nice building and atmosphere. I said my goodbye and wished her well, and finished the rest of my shift without event. A few hours later when my supervisor John arrived, I mentioned to him my encounter with Mrs. Yves with the intention of getting an update on her condition. I can’t remember how he said it and how our conversation went because it was so stunning, but what I do remember is him saying to me “Mrs.Yves died last Monday.” (!!!!!!) ……….. I was so shocked I couldn’t even argue.. I just told him “nevermind…. yeah, I meant last week.. this happened… ahhh… “. I later found out that the apartment was supposedly mostly empty when we had tea together there, her younger sister had moved much of her things out throughout the week… (I remember it being totally furnished..) Anyway…. the new people who live there are really nice…. they actually smile ALL the time. I find that creepy too.

Despite the cheery greeting, I am not enjoying things so far. This is by far my favorite holiday and I am stuck at work for both tonight and Sunday. I was able to book time off last year, and had an excellent night. See below: I’m the cow. (at the Richmond St. bar, The Ceeps)

2025 me here: Another college age picture lost to time. I remember that cow costume though.

It is so beautiful out tonight too, temperature typical of June. I love this time of year. Hate being here. Left some pretty random comments on a variety of Xanga pages tonight. Haven’t been myself… A bundle of tension and anxiety. Maybe it’s all the candy I am incessantly eating…

I have a top ten favorite scary movie list. Let me preface it a little by describing the circumstances under which I watched most of them. When I was little, around 7-12, my mom would let me rent anything. (She had me at 19, so when I was 8, she was only two years older than I am now.) Anyway, I think she enjoyed letting me pick out whatever video I wanted and then watching my innocent, wide-eyed reactions to them. They scared the shit out of me, but kids have short memories and always on the next trip to the video store, I would still go running for the horror section, excited to pick out something new. I loved looking at the artwork on the boxes and I loved the fact that my mom let me get them even when my dad voiced concern. So yeah… I have quite extensive horror movie experience, much of it occurring in my formative years. So here is the list, this was tough, I’ve seen a million of them and as I was doing this I kept remembering more and bumping others out of the top 10. The Stuff is pretty obscure but is a sentimental favorite and earns bonus points for scaring the hell out of me. Note, only one post-eighties movie made it.

(10) Hellraiser (1987)
(9) The Ring (2002)
(8) Evil Dead 2 (1987)
(7) A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
(6) House (1986)
(5) The Shining (1980)
(4) Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (1978)
(3) The Fly (1986)
(2) The Stuff (1985) Are you eating it….. or is it eating you?
(1) The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

Strung out on chocolate.

I forgot it was Halloween weekend and that there was going to be baskets full of candy and chocolate bars here at work. We are responsible for dispensing it incrementally since we have one old lady here who will sit beside the front desk (on her walker or a chair) and eat the candy basket empty as she chats to the concierge (my glorious occupation) on duty. I actually have specific written orders from my supervisor not to let anyone “pig out”…… but……. I CAN’T RESIST!!! I have such a terrible sweet tooth. Especially for chocolate! FYI: Chocolate stimulates the same location in your brain as an orgasm. Putting me in charge of the Halloween candy is like… lets see … putting Micheal Jackson in charge of kids… We both just have to devour them all… That was wide open, and that was the best I could do, there’s a better joke in there somewhere. Anyway, skipping the coffee tonight, I’m sure all those little kitkats and coffee crisps have provided the necessary dose of caffeine.

Added a little music box (Give yourself a little pat on the back if you know of any of the bands). It may not be feasable since it loads from my computer and my connection isnt the greatest. I saw it on kjchang’s site and stole the code (you should have read my little disclaimer that says, by subscribing to me you hearby agree to let me steal whatever I want from your site. Seriously, I hope you don’t mind, I don’t know if that code was yours or not. I suspect it was from the baka and espn window opens.) My header is probably all messed up now since it it just an image, I had trouble putting it back as a table… A task for another day. If it looks really bad on your resoultion let me know.

Ahhhhh just ate. Yummy. Actually cooked something decent tonight. I have to remember that meat in the freezer isn’t in cyrogenic storage, it is just rotting very slowly. The old, old pork I thawed out didn’t look so appetizing. Tasted good when I cooked it with little baked potatoes though.

I’m tired… in a good way, did a lot of running around but acomplished much. I was back in my element, studying while listening to good music. I heard one really cute song that drew me out of my studying and caused me to drift away for a while. Edit: I put the song in the little code box (You Love Me)

My missing pencil case was turned in!!!  I had to play a “What’s inside?” game to get it back though. The girl at the circulation desk gave me the hardest time about it, I think she might have been having fun. I described the outside of it accurately, but I was pretty cryptic about the inside contents. Our exchange went kind of like this:

… Initial questions and my vague attempts at remebering what was inside …
Her: “Is there anything UNUSUAL in there” (while she is hiding it away from me rooting around inside)
Me: “Ummm.. no… I think the caluculator is a Casio..?” (it was a Sharp)
Her: “That was a HINT, Are you sure?” (either a teasing or patronizng voice)
Me: “Just colored gel pens and a calculator”
Her: “Hmmmmm”
Me: “I think there is a purple one” (there wasn’t)
… more negotiation …
Her: “Ok, I believe you, here you go, there are batteries inside too.”
Me: “Batteries?……… Oh yeah… batteries….. Thank you.”

I looked inside and saw with joy it was my stuff but.. those weren’t my batteries. Why would someone plant batteries in my pencil case and then return it? Odd. I was very happy to have my pens back though, the notes I studied with tonight are the most colorfull ever.

Kept up the illusion to a couple of my profs of the eager gung-ho student by going to an optional Bioinformatics seminar. It was so boring, I spent the whole time daydreaming and sneaking peeks at my colleages/competition out of the corner of my eye. The RNA structure diagrams looked very phallic. It was catered, free apple juice and two chocolate cookies… should have chosen the coffee, maybe then I could have stuck with it and then asked a brilliant question at the end.
  When I did get coffee I found the girl at the counter (inside the campus bar, the Spoke) very cute because she was alone and very nervous. It wasn’t busy when I got there and she looked like she had nothing to do and didn’t know how to stand. As I talked to her and she recited the types of coffee they had, I found something about her very endearing. Maybe percieved vulnerability. I wasn’t alone because after I had paid and moved to the side to add my cream and sugar, this other guy came and after he paid and thanked her there was this pause (which seemed very awkward and long), then in a mumbled croak,”Are you a Student?” It was such a painfull attempt at breaking the ice, I think I actually winced. It was as if he had said “Me like you. Us talk now?” I know this guy would never have tried it on a more self-assured woman and I understand why he made the leap because I felt the same way 30 seconds earlier. The moral of the story… confident women are scary.

hmm. Feeling melancholy. Here’s a joke.

Question: What is the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?

Answer: Anybody can Roast Beef.

haha?

I’ve gone through a wide emotional range today. Hitting peaks and valleys of motivation and resignation. Sometimes my thought stream is so rapid and clear. Thinking of seemingly brilliant actions to take weeks and months into the future. At moments like those, I feel really alive, vigorous, intelligent. Afterwards when I come down a little, I can’t remember half of what flowed through my consciousness…. Was just interrupted mid-post. I don’t know where I was going with this anymore… I felt and dressed very “emo” today, whatever that means. I was procrastinating and playing with my little toy some more and attempted to strike an emo pose. Cheesey, yes…. very. Results are below. I went through some self-loathing today. That will happen when you define yourself through anti-consumer and socially responsible beliefs, then you look at yourself posing in your black guess V-neck sweater and collared gap shirt made in Sri Lanka by children (their little hands sure must be good for those little stitches) I am a fucking hypocrite…. at least I know I am.  I dare you to tell me you’re not…..

Here is an socially conscientious MP3, Ani Defranco with a message I pasted onto it at the beginning. Maybe I will post one every day until the election. (I have a good one in mind for election day) GDP-ani.mp3 (http) GDP-ani.mp3 (ftp)

2025 me here: I have no memory of those Ani Defranco mp3 files. They are certainly not being hosted from my computer of ftp anymore.

Making an eclectic collection of posts today. *Sigh* Stealing things isn’t cool. To whoever took my pencil case at Weldon Library 20 minutes ago, I hope you feel guilty every time you use my special coloured gel pens and when you punch the buttons on my cheap 10 dollar calculator. It wasn’t a huge loss I suppose but it is annoying all the same, I don’t have the funds to be replacing those things. Maybe it will still get turned in at the circulation desk. There goes the run of good luck I talk about below. Jinxed it.

I try not to believe in the supernatural and astrology but sometimes it is tough. I think it is human nature to try and pin successes and failures on entities or factors beyond ones control but I usually believe things occur in a certain way as a result of random chance and/or personal effort. That may not have been a very coherent thought but I say this because I have been having an extraordinary run of good luck lately, individually nothing major, but when I consider these little fortuitous events in a larger context it seems a little strange. It coincides with the astrological shift of the sun into the house of scorpio. (If you rolled your eyes, it’s ok, I did too. Did I even say that right? I don’t follow that stuff.) I do feel better lately though, more motivated, happier, more energized. Coincidental events always seem to taunt me too. It is like someone is playing a game with me, seeing just how far they can push things, how many clues they can leave before I catch on. Thoughts you have at the lab in the middle of a deserted campus at 2:14am in the morning…..

Received a late birthday present in the mail today, a webcam. To be honest, I wasn’t thrilled with this gift. I have one MSN friend/contact who is always taking these display picture shots with his and I always chuckle because they are these extremely cheesey pseudo-sexy poses that I just don’t want to see. I think these little devices promote vanity. I generally savour my anonymity…. but I admit, I was having fun playing with it earlier (when I really should have been leaving to go on campus to work.) I finally figured out how to focus and take pictures with it, and took a few. I have been paused on this sentence for a few minutes, hesitating, backspacing and rewriting it… Time to shatter your mental image of me.. So here I am, in my pajamas. I slept all day to achieve that meticulous just got out of bed look. (you can see the box the webcam came in on the table behind me). I don’t feel too good doing this, I feel like I am fishing for approval.

2025 me here: I really wish I had this missing image still on my computer.

Having a hard time getting back into the grind. I tasted relaxation and freedom from constant anxiety over making deadlines and I liked it. I’m going to need a small miracle to get my next assignment in on time (T-minus 8 hours). I am way too wired right now. Well rested and over caffeinated. It was the pizza too, many people don’t realize pizza is actually really low in fat, but loaded with sugar/carbohydrates. It’s like eating candy. I’ve been pacing tonight, can’t seem to slow down and focus. Maybe after writing this I will be able to get into it.

The following is a little bizarre and I am not proud of it. In class today I was in a little bit of a nasty mood (also exhausted). The reason being was that I had embarrassed myself in front of the professor. It wasn’t anything major, I had just dropped off an assignment for the course in the wrong location on Friday, I slid it under the door to the classroom (room 316) instead of at her office (room 361) like I was supposed to. Minor, I know. Still it made me feel stupid because she mentioned it at the start of todays class that she wanted the assignments in her office and not at the classroom and went on to explain that the classroom was used by many classes etc, etc. I knew she was addressing me directly even though she was very diplomatic about it and said “there were a couple assignments under the door when she got there in the morning”. I was doing a slow burn as the lecture started. So, what I have in my notebook is two pages of critical notes observing my professor like she was some sort of novel medical abnormality I was cataloguing for a journal. Really petty, superficial notes like unstylish clothes and grandma glasses, a frizzy puffy mess of hair, frumpy gnome like body, pale unheathly skin, large fleshy belly etc. I think I did this as a way to slip her ego underneath my own and feel better about myself. An ugly, uncharacteristic little exercise. Some of it is good hearted and actually pretty funny though.

It’s over. A quiet day I needed. Been reflecting on my relationships with family and friends today. I recieved an unexpected email from my little sister in B.C. who is a real fierce independant artistic type. Much more so than me, who isn’t mainstream (I hope). We have had virtually zero correspondence or conversation over the last 6 years or so, there isn’t any animosity between us, we just are both kind of detached. She complained a little of the distance and expressed a desire to have a better relationship but I think it was half hearted. Still I wrote an appropriately pleaseant and encouraging response. That is the theme of my immediate family, I think we all genuinely love each other greatly but we just have steaks of introvert in us. Now that we are all adults the distance is more marked. The last Christmas we were all together it was pretty weird and awkward. Like four old friends kind of just going through the motions. Enjoying each others company but not really displaying too much emotion. The love is there though. I also enjoyed the well wishing I recieved from friends and colleages today. Many of them relationships that I never seeked out, they just kind of developed. I have always thought of myself as someone who doesn’t mind not having a large circle of friends or a booming social life, but when I stop to think about it, maybe the reason I don’t feel lonely too often is that my social network is better than I know. Today was a good day.

2025 me here: There was an image here. Can’t remember what it was. This was such a grateful little post though.

Well, this is it. October 24th. I’m now 25. I’ve been killing myself lately, but I’m going to take today pretty easy. Going to let my body just sleep and sleep and sleep. I will splurge on some good food and dessert. My parents sent me a corny yet wonderful gift of a Simpsons chess set in the mail. Something I would never ever buy myself but love the fact that I now have it. Also some money that I am not sure they can part with and I will feel very guilty depositing into my account. I get the feeling they struggle financially and work so hard to give their two children every opportunity possible. I feel very blessed to have them. They really gave me my independence growing up but always made it clear that they were there supporting me, not forcing religion or any expectations upon me, but making sure I knew University would really have a positive effect on my future and self. It was the type of parenting I needed and am grateful for and they are still doing it today.