It was worse than I expected. There goes one course. The breakdown begins.

Ten minutes until the bloodbath. *sigh* So unprepared. So tired. So downtrodden. On the plus side, I think the prof has a crush on me..  Maybe if I just write lots she will be kind.

So shaky right now…. Major deadline tomorrow morning…. and what am I doing with all this nervous energy? Putting in that last do or die push to get the job done? No. I am screwing around on Xanga, leaving little disposable comments everywhere. If you’re here maybe you got one. I write these private motivational posts that I totally ignore laying out exactly what and when things need to get done. No one wants to hear this…. lame post, lame post, lame post. Jittery, I like that word. Makes me think of a dancing skeleton from an old black and white mickey mouse cartoon. Discombobulated is a good one too, knohow just refreshed that into my working vocab. Combulate. Stimulate. Masta bait. Maybe that would calm me a little. Too bad I’m at work. I still have coffee left.. At this point I think it might give me a murmur. oOooh wear did that one come from. Murmur murmur murmur. murmur murmur murmur….  Murmur MURMUR MURMUR murmur. So much energy, no focus…. when will the melatonin kick in.

oh, and I found a little bug in Xanga.. If you add a comment on one of your own posts, delete it, then make another comment, and then delete that one too, your comments will not be counted properly. You will be down one… They teach us to notice this kind of crap in computer science, it means they aren’t counting/storing the data properly.

Two hours until dawn. Sitting in a wooded glen at the base of my mountain I silently rest, gazing through the darkness. It is a favorite spot, concealed under sparse pine branches and overlooking a stretch of ancient mountain trail. Slowly, delibrately I sweep my heavy lidded eyes across the trail towards the jagged mountain base. Rival trolls covet my territory with intense jealousy. The mounain is abundant with deep complex caves and passageways. I maintain vigilance. A shadow shift, movement at a cave entrance. My eyelids snap wide awake as the pupils contract. It is a mounted horse. Rage explodes inside of me at the thought of a human tresspassing in my home. I wait and watch intensely. The human slowly emerges from the cave and begins a slow descent cautiously down the old mountain trail. I smolder with anticipation and silently prepare for my ambush. I have launched countless attacks from this perch, launching myself out of the brush and onto the path in seconds.

The plan. There are questions….. There are notes……. There is an exam…… I am nervous….. feel headed for a crash….. how to calm….. how to focus…… how to deal with the xmas lights…….

Solution….. make your little notes…. these will force you to recognize more and more of the material. These little notes will help.

Let the questions guide you through the notes… then flesh them out….. 30 minutes per question… Have the Notes on the computer screen. Have the question booklet in front of you….. Clear everything else… Assignment notes, binder, pencil case on the floor. Log book out of sight. As much simplicity as you can manage. Just the three things (1) the question booklet (2) the notes (3) the notes on the screen. That’s it.

Xanga wise….. possible post topics….. won’t be good posting tonight. Nervousness, chaos, You’re going to loose steam rapidly….. Weight the work to the front half and remember you’ve still got the coffee….

I don’t think I am going to bother to write down when and what I update my music box with since I know I am fated to play with it incessantly. I stripped out a couple songs that I discovered were in Tower Records top 1000 albums (Scissors Sisters and Lost Prophets). “The public gets what the public wants, but I want nothing of what societies got.” “The public wants what the public gets, but I don’t get what the society wants.” I added some rap too. I really do listen to more rap than my playlist reflects. I just ate 6 donuts for breakfast…. bleahhhh. I need to do groceries. I am a bloated piggie.

I wrote a second part to my little troll fantasy but I suppose I will keep it as a private entry. Maybe I will flesh it out and declassify later. Writing that was cathartic. A fun way to vent the aggression and frustration that has been building lately. This semester has tied me into knots. I’ve felt lately that I’m not meant to be sitting at a computer coding mathematical models all day, I’m not meant for an urban environment. It isn’t natural, it makes me want to scream. I want to go back home to Northwestern Ontario and fish and hunt and play outdoor hockey and ski and enjoy bonfires in the woods. I want to go back to clean air and lakes and throw this toxic life away. The first time I ever flew over Toronto at night, looking out my window seat, I began to comprehend the absolute enormity of it and I actually became physically ill. It seemed like the city covered the entire earth and it blew my mind. I felt trapped. By living in this type of environment you never realize there is another way to feel, to live, the peace of truly being in pure wilderness, the rightness of it. I feel very blessed to have had that experience for a great deal of my childhood. I think the human male is being hammered into a societal role that’s a poor fit. This is a theme I feel that Fight Club and Chuck Pahlaniuk books capture well. I’m not meant to sit at a cubicle all day and then come home and sit in front of a TV all night. Millions of years of fighting for my food and women is ingrained deep in my genes. The violent tendencies are there, just suppressed underneath layers and layers of society. For this reason Macbeth is one of my favorite stories. They tried to take a great fighter and pass him off as a king. Macbeth is pushed and pulled and manipulated to do things not in his nature, making him totally miserable until everything finally breaks down… and as the people of his country are calling for his death, swarming the castle, wanting blood, he lets everything go and begins to see clearly again. He is not a governor, he is a great warrior. So he suits up in his armor, mounts a horse, and charges out of the castle to face the mob knowing he is going to die… yet he is filled with joy to finally be able to battle again, to know what it feels like to live again. At this point I envision him charging out thinking “Bring it on. I’m taking at least fifty of you motherfuckers out.” (but in flowery Shakesperean.). Then he fights valiantly and viciously until he is eventually overwhelmed. I love uncompromising characters.

Corporally: There is a party going on here at work thrown by a gay couple. They tipped me a twenty to make sure things go smoothly (ie. lots of lube… J/K). I suppose I can deal with being called sweetie and honey by grown men for another night. (this isn’t the first gay party I’ve had to oversee.) I actually know more gay guys than I can count on my fingers and toes. I could probably count four of them as casual friends. What else.. I became a big fan of Broken Social Scene today. I revisited their 2003 album and was in the perfect mood for it… it soothed my tattered psyche. I saw my favorite coffee girl at the Spoke. She was wearing black nail polish and reading and highlighting notes from the cinema journal. A film student maybe… maybe I should have went that route….

Part 2:

A rare gathering of the trolls. The setting, a forest clearing. There is a bonfire with peasants slowly roasting above, the smell is intoxicating.  I look around, even amongst my own kind I am solitary. I am evaluating the hierarchy of power and where I fall. It seems I am regarded as repect worthy yet somewhere below the highest rung of power. The group seemingly in charge of this loose association brim with with pomp and self importance. They think they are so cunning. They are loud and crude, manipulative and condescending towards the lower castes. I make no effort to approach or rebuke their cautious acknowledgements of my presence. I know it is not my imposing physical stature that unnerves them. It is my contented silence. It is the complex dark intelligence that smolders behind my eyes that they catch a subconscious glimpse of when they make eye contact.

I am a troll with a big fucking axe. It is dripping with a thick mixture of horse and human blood. The sky is pure black, rolling unseen clouds pass slowly by. The icy wind whipping through the desolate barren mountain side cools my burning rage. My massive corded green muscles feel satisfyingly swollen and tight, jaw still clenched as I savour the bloodlust from this solitary encounter. I gaze down at the fresh iron-shelled corpse with disgust, the tremendous size of the dark liquidy crevasse running across the chest is obscene. That arrogant worm. I reach down and dig my sharp foul nails into the soft jelly like eye sockets, positioning the body so I can defile my prize. I raise my wicked axe high and bring it down with ungodly force through the knight’s thick neck, cleaving the head effortlessly. I pick it up, examine the still sneering mouth. Turning it over, I sink my large fangs deeply into the neck still gushing copious amounts of thick dark tangy red nectar. I love it, chewing and tongueing the flesh, feeling it between my teeth, slowly running down my throat. The bastard thought he could take me down, prove his worth to the other pathetic human maggots. They all die. The magnitude of the evil power corsing through my body is incomprehensible. It lends me strength and skill greater than all. No one will ever take me down.

Up an hour early today. Have to change my clocks soon, I needed that extra sleep.

You know.. I’m starting to wonder if plants even need water. Mine are so unbelievably neglected yet still green (mostly). Maybe they feed off of something different… like blood! I’ve got these strange puncture marks on my lower thigh… and there are leaves in my bed that weren’t there the night before… I think they are feeding on me… Aren’t they supposed to die after not getting water for three weeks?

I need some coffee…. posting about my plants… really.

More musicbox fun: Added a track from my favorite album of 2003; “Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Ha Ha High”, “!!! – Me And Giuliani Down By The Schoolyard”, “Peaches – I Don’t Give a Fuck”, and I swapped out the Stars track I added yesterday with another since it made made me think there was a kettle going off in the background. Ahhh I can’t stop… just added 5 more, tracks from: Hanayo, The Pillows, Local H, Lost Prophets and  Stereolab. Try the Hanayo track, I love that one.

Was soo tired last night. I set my alarm clock for 7am this morning but my body was not having it. Awoke at 11am. It was that no dreaming, dark, deep, pure black kind of sleep too. Death sleep. It wasn’t good either since I had no urgency at all when I finally got up. I should have been running around trying to get a million things done like I was on crack (crack’s a stimulant right?).  Highlight of the day was finding out they served free trade coffee at the Spoke (campus bar) at the same price as the slavery picked stuff. About the only good thing about the “new” Spoke (totally renovated this summer for those not in the know). I miss the canoe hanging from the roof and the grungy dirty…… everything. It is so clean and sterile now. Too bright too. It is like a study area/cafe. So incredibly NOT what I want my student bar to be. Today I wanted to be in my old Spoke. Somewhere on a stained couch in a dark corner reading a new book… with the bargirl bringing me cheap $2.50 Molson Canadians and Labatt Blues, drinking more and more, as simultaneously, my book kept getting more and more interesting.

Other themes of today:
-Miniscule bank account.
-Horribly done assignments.
-Lost my umbrella
. avp1781 has a map I liked.

Something is really messed up with my internet explorer, I can’t test any of the new songs I added (maybe someone else can let me know). I have to do everything through Mozilla.

Frou Frou is coming down. Stay tuned….. Yes, ok, I took Frou Frou and the Iron and Wine track down, they were both from the garden state soundtrack and they seemed to be appearing everywhere. I added 5 new tracks though. “Saul Williams – The Pledge”, which makes makes me feel a bit better about the lousy election. “Laurel Music – Alone In The Dark”, “Scissors Sisters – Better Luck”, “Stars – Sleep Tonight”, “Iron and Wine – Confession Cups and Someone’s Coat” (one that’s not on the garden state soundtrack). The Scissors Sister track is the most fun. The others are mellow… which is nice…

What an uber-shitty day. Stayed up until 5 or 6am last night watching the Bush theft play out once again. My blood courses with hatred for that man, I can’t help but be passionate about it. The mainstream media isn’t covering it but their was voter intimidation occurring all over Ohio and Florida. Don’t you think it is odd Florida wasn’t closer after all the outrage from 2000? New voting machines put in place with no paper records? The stories of push polling and campaign of misinformation focused on minority and low SES areas makes me sick. Maybe people just are incapable of seeing beyond their own little insulated bubble, maybe it was just ignorance prevailing. People want to get fat now, future generations be damned. The youth are too obsessed and absorbed in fake culture to drag their obese asses out to a voting booth. I have to let this go… it makes me shake with anger… Anyway, I had had an 8am date with the dentist. I managed to stay awake. I have a nice new filling. Yipee. Whoopdee freaking doo. I was a walking dark cloud of nastiness today. I need some sleep desperately. Goodnight. I have been appreciating and enjoying the comments.

I feel like throwing my TV out the window. Watching it crash and shatter into the pavement after gaining nine floors of momentum. I am too wired, too connected, absorbing too much toxicity. Things are breaking down and I am rapidly losing recovery time. Living in dead time.

I am going batty because I can’t focus on this damn testing assignment. It is so boring. I can’t overstate that enough. BORING. I am bored I can’t focus on it at all. I keep thinking of lousy Xanga… What will I post tonight? Who to subscribe to? Comments to leave. Ughness.

Today: The 10pm plan.

5:00-5:50: translate the test cases over. Get what I have and twea, tweak, tweak to get more transiotions.

6:00-6:50: 6:00-6:20 extra tweak time, 6:20-6:50 Execution of files. Problem reports.

7:00-7:50: Polishing?

8:00-8:50: D/C coverage expansion

9:00-10:00:D/C coverage expansion

10:00-10:30: cushion, assignment pack up

5:00: finish the test case data files. Go through… tweak and augment them as you convert them over.

6:00 now that you have untested test cases. run them one by one. Note any differing input. 7:00 Construct the problem reports.

Disillusioned. Going to have to find a way to move from anger and depression to some sort of acceptance. It is large jump. This is a victory for subsidized destruction of the environment, corporate power, mental and social pollution, toxic air, water and soil, a flight from nature. Religious fundamentalism, absurdity. The ship just sprung another leak. The other rats don’t realize it yet, but I have… it’s time to bail. You are living in a delirium, those of us with our heads above ground recognize it’s a nightmare.

“Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?”

Ohio…… Fucking Ohio.