So, I wasn’t very nice on the phone last night. I was pretty frayed going in and my typically deep well of patience was depleted. There was enough left in it for cordial relationship-maintenance conversation but it wasn’t the time to take a shot at me. She jabbed the wounded animal and he woke up proud and angry. All pretenses fell away and I indulged that evil well of darkness existing way down deep at the core of my essence. It laughed with joy to finally be in control and delighted in stripping off the sugar coating on my thoughts and feelings towards her and replacing it with a cruel dark taint. It grinned as I cut at her in a righteous fury with emotion unbuffered and raw. I don’t feel like going into specifics but rest assured it was thoroughly vicious. Say goodnight to the bad guy.

This post isn’t going to be very fun cause I haven’t been doing so good this weekend. I’m sliding on the down slope of a big three month valley that represents my final term of university. The source of my anxiety is my thesis. I’m so incredibly behind on it to the point that I feel sick every time I think about it. (which is hourly). Academia isn’t the only thing crumbling either; my long distance relationship with Merle is not doing well. It’s becoming clear that if I don’t land a job in Massachusetts after this term that will be the end of that roller coaster. Our last two phone conversations were fights, she wouldn’t come out and say it directly but she won’t come to Canada if I can only land a job here. She’s a certified teacher with a Masters and apparently worked hard to get Mass. certification. I would love to have the kind of security a teacher has, I feel I’ll be lucky to find anything in my field, so if I land something good in Toronto or London, clinging to it for a while would probably be wise. It’s hard to find the will to apply to jobs when I have serious doubts I’ll even land my degree though. My parents and grandparents are pressuring me for the graduation service date so they can book time off. I just love having that breathing down my neck.

I have more serious issues with Merle too. She proposed and I turned her down. She’s been festering over that ever since. I sense that the breaking point will be in late February when I have a week off and won’t want to spend the time with her.

Forcing myself to sit down and actually work on my thesis or assignments this month has been near impossible. I try my best to eliminate distractions but there is always something else. I remove as many time wasters as possible from my environment and then I just end up playing FreeCell. It kills me that I am squandering an opportunity that others would kill for. My schedule is a problem. I work nights Friday through Monday, then three days off. Establishing any semblance of a routine is extremely difficult. As hard as I try, I just can’t focus at night and at my job. I can’t handle the type of work I have to do. I can’t think critically.

Listening to this indie emo rock sure isn’t helping matters either. Early Day Miners. (they’re good).

In case anyone was wondering about the thing with Ms. O from last week, I doubt anything else will develop. I’m not going to initiate contact anyway. I just don’t want to deal with anything extra right now. The feeling seems to be mutual. I just want to muster enough drive to carry me through until April. I hate continuously feeling like I’m a tight little ball of tension and anxiety.

Maybe I should just head back to Northwestern Ontario. Transfer all my Biology credits into a forestry program back home and work for a paper mill. Just another regular Joe-Bag-o-Donuts like Pa. I could be happy. I would have a fireplace that I cut my own wood for and a big furry dog named Okituk. I don’t have passion for computer science/genetics. I don’t think I’ll be content working as an underling for someone who does.

I made a new taxi friend at the grocery store. Usually, I stubbornly trudge home with my groceries strapped to my back and on each arm. It is tough but it makes me feel like a voyageur.

Anyway, the highlight of my supermarket adventure was probably when the quite large female butcher paid me a compliment when I was picking out steaks that put a goofy grin on my face for five minutes.
“Can I get those two steaks right there. And have them bundled separately please?”
“Sure, for a good looking guy like you anything.”

While I was in the checkout line, a short and stout comely young man lined up behind me. My groceries were splayed out on the conveyer belt and he seemed to find them fascinating. I scowled at him a little for his unhealthy interest in my meat. Today I was ravenously hungry so I ended up spending three times as much as regular. Calling a cab was a necessity. After shopping I waited in the foyer for my taxi. As I stupidly stared out into the wintry parking lot, Mr. Nosy crept up and asked me,

“Are you waiting for a cab?”.
“Yes. ummm… U-Need-A.”.
A lengthy disorienting pause, then he says,
“You aren’t going to University housing are you?”.
“Yeah. Which one are you going to?”
“Bayfield.”.

We locked forearms in a steely embrace as the sun set majestically in the background and thus the alliance was forged. In the cab I found out he lives on the basement floor. He confirmed my suspicions about the lower floor hot water advantage and then said in a deep solemn voice,

“I see you bought rainbow trout. That’s a good fish.”

“Yes, I actually would have preferred salmon but apparently they’re filled with PCB’s now.”

He agreed and passionately expressed anger at the degradation of ocean quality and fish stocks. A kindred spirit. Even after that little bit of heartfelt bonding, splitting the fare was awkward as hell. It came to $6.75 and we each had a five. What would you do there? It’s a little too much to tip and an odd amount of change to split. We just ended up giving it to him. Upon exiting the cab, I gave him my name and asked his.

“Okituk.” “It’s Inuit.” he added after looking at my perplexed face. It was at that moment I wondered why I hadn’t noticed the sealskin boots and spear earlier. We agreed that if we ever saw each other at the supermarket again we would renew our pact. I went upstairs and cooked some sausage and perogies cause I had class all day and was too tired for anything else. The end.

Cold shower today! In my building during the dead of winter I get the short end of the heat stick. I have suspicions the students on the lower floors have it nice and steamy wet hot. The shower water was just tepid enough to entice me inside with the promise of more warmth to come. And it did get a little warmer, so I started brushing my teeth. Then when my mouth was at its frothiest it went cold. I started to shiver and yell angry guttural tribalisms. After I couldn’t bear the icy torment any more, I was forced to get ready for class not only massively sleep deprived but chilled to the bone and toothpaste encrusted. I bundled up in three huge sweaters and two layers of fuzzy pants with a whole bunch of unique socks on each frozen foot. My dirty unstyled black hair and unflattering facial growth added the finishing touch. I felt like going down and yelling at the rental office ladies except they’re much meaner than me and would yell back better. 

My Christmas scanner is now setup so here are a few pictures.

Ben Thans restaurant, London Ontario.
Family cabin near Bear Point, Rainy Lake, Northwestern Ontario.
Niagra Falls. (Stoic blue)
Museum of Fine Arts, Boston USA.
Showing maturity.

I run on caffeine, interesting music and sunshine. I got two out of three today. After sleeping in until 2pm, I had a huge hazelnut cream coffee and chased it with a brimming glass of yummy sweet ice wine. I played an album I’d never heard of before on my pseudo-stereo. It was from “The Streets” and the horrible sickening UK rap immediately nauseated me. I’ve decided I never want to hear rap in a cockney accent ever again. The replacement album I’d also never heard from “The Killing” was some thumping indie hard rock fare that was much better.

I’m having a sauna tonight.1:00am sharp. No one ever told me I couldn’t use the sauna. Maybe they just assume I know I’m not supposed to. Well you should never assume. I’m not going into the penthouse mechanical room tonight at three, either. Last night, when I was in there some stuff was torn down from the air-make-up unit and strewn all over the cement floor. It didn’t just fall down, it was ripped down and I had been the only one that was in there since the day before. And three lights burned out while I was in there. And that never happens. I’ve only ever had one burn out on a single shift. Not three in the same room over a period of less than three minutes. I froze and couldn’t move when I saw the damage and I just stood there wide-eyed, unable to hear anything but the loud machinery but I could feel my thudding heart. And I just stood there as the lights burned out one by one. I couldn’t go into the manor house basement either. Someone had left a light on in the water room I was supposed to check and it was dark in that corridor and all I could see was a glowing line at the bottom of the door and I was spooked by that shit in the mechanical room so I just spun around and headed back.

I have a steel ring I like to wear on either pinky finger. It cost less than ten dollars but I enjoy it much more than I would a pricey one. It gives me much tactile pleasure. I love the way the smooth inside curve feels as I rotate it around my finger, or slide it gently up and down the tips of each finger. I sometimes take it off and absentmindedly spin it between my thumb and index finger, watching the light reflect bent morphing images of myself and the room. I like to roll it along the surface of my wooden desk and watch it go like an escaped hamster wheel. I like the sound it makes after colliding with a ceramic mug or cement wall. I love the little clink it makes when I let it drop onto things after an exaggerated yawn. I have a bracelet of little yellowish and black Nepalese skulls I wear too. I like playing with it also but I’m afraid it’ll break. I wish the little skulls were real.

I run on coffee, interesting music and sunshine.

I think I’m going to compile an 80 minute CD comprised of my favorite tracks released in 2004. It will be predominantly independent music and probably fairly eclectic. If anyone expresses any interest I can make a link to it in MP3 format. It will be about 100 MB and probably take an hour or two to download from my computer.

I am consistently forgetting to drink some liquor daily. I read a study a few weeks ago about how one drink eliminated oxidation or something like that and it had positive health implications for heart disease and stroke, cancer etc. Unfortunately three drinks make you pro-oxidant, which is bad apparently. I guess two is normalcy? I also feel so pathetically sluggish when I don’t drink coffee.

I’m pulling back on Xanga. Less posts, less comments. Better posts. I want people to look forward to my updates.

I have a steel ring I like to wear on either pinky finger. It cost less than ten dollars but I enjoy it much more than I would a pricey one. It gives me much tactile pleasure. I love the way the smooth inside curve feels as I rotate it around my finger, or slide it gently up and down the tips of each finger. I sometimes take it off and absentmindedly spin it between my thumb and index finger, watching the light reflect bent morphing images of myself and the room. I like to roll it along the surface of my wooden desk and watch it go like an escaped hamster wheel. I like the sound it makes after colliding with a ceramic mug or cement wall. I love the little clink it makes when I let it drop onto things after an exaggerated yawn.

Why don’t I study or work on assignments while I am here at work? Possible Answers:
(1) I am not allowed to listen to music
(2) I can’t wear my glasses
(3) I can’t dress comfortably
(4) I hate working with the stuff I am supposed to be learning
(5) I would rather be writing a novel

If I was to write a novel, what would it be? Fantasy? Skewed life? Science Fiction? Horror? MAybe I should work on getting published. An article somewhere. Something expressing the limbo and anxiety I’m feeling. The way society is grinding me down, pushing me into a system I don’t believe in, telling me if I don’t fit in and generate money I’ll be a failure.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

I was in a sparsely attended third year level databases class lecture. The professor’s lecture style was stuttering and hesitant, very hard to follow. One row in front of me sat a cute girl of Asian descent that looked vaguely familiar. The prof told an anecdote of how one of his grad students had trouble registering an account on a university database because his last name was just a single character, “O”. The girl in front of me said quietly but with enthusiasm, “That’s my last name! (with no trace of an accent)” and looked around a little for recognition. Apparently no one but myself choose to notice, so I said “Just like Karen”. She turned around and looked at me with the reply, “You like the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s?” (I was thrilled she caught my reference). The best I could do was smile and nod, since the lecture was on and we weren’t too far from the front.   After class, I initiated additional chit chat by asking her what nationality O is (Korean). We walked over to the University Community Center together talking a little about class and agreeing that Fever to Tell is too short. We exchanged names, email and numbers under the comfortable guise of “If I need any help maybe you can help.”

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

She added me as an MSN messenger contact and sent me an enthusiastic “hi!”. The conversation was good. More free and relaxed due to that comfortable distancing effect instant messaging provides. She told me I looked funny but cute walking around with my gigantic headphones and bright red backpack. I found out she works week-end nights too as a waitress at a cafe that’s open very late. She makes a leap and asks me if I wanted to do something Thursday night. Stalling for time and thinking of my long distance gf, Merle, I ask “like what?”. “Coffee and a movie at my place? My roommates won’t mind.” I consent. The coffee shop and time are set.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

My long day of classes. By seven pm I was a little burnt out. Went home, had some leftover noodles and got ready. Chose well fitting black jeans and a nice collared buttoned shirt and my general purpose shiny black shoes. Well dressed enough for most London bars/nightclubs (which isn’t saying much) but I could have gone nicer. Took the bus to the coffee shop to arrive on time and saw I had dressed appropriately. She looked good, wearing an ankle length black skirt and white blouse. We had specialty coffee and easy, excellent conversation flowed. I felt very comfortable as I believe she did also. I had thought she was at least three years younger than me, I was delighted when I found out it was the other way around, she was 27. Her decision to go back to school and get her degree was due to her floundering for a while in the real world. I told her about my situation with Merle and her eyes dropped briefly but it didn’t seem to change anything.
We walked to a video store and picked out Chasing Amy. One I hadn’t seen for ages and she had never. We took the bus back to her third floor apartment. Two of her three roommates were in the living room area. One of them was a very short brown skinned guy who wasn’t wearing a shirt. He was sitting on an inflatable chair eating pungent junk food beside an equally short female roommate sitting on an inflatable couch. I laughed at the situation after an amused “Hi.”. There was obvious tension between the three roommates. A hushed but intense argument ensued between them over the use of the living room and I offered that we could just watch it at my place or call it a night. She grabbed something from her room and we walked through her neighborhood and campus to my place. It was warm and the walk was enjoyable.
I played the new Clem Snide album softly on my stereo to eliminate the ominous silence of my empty single bedroom apartment and offered her a drink. All I had for mixer was pepsi, so it was either, open one of the bottles of my Christmas gift wine, or pepsi-something. We each did a shot of straight Bacardi and laughed at my tiny TV. Two more shots of Bacardi and we were comfortable enough to watch the movie together on my turquoise couch. After it was over she asked me if there was anywhere we could smoke the weed she brought. We moved two chairs out onto my deck and enjoyed my ninth floor view and the unseasonable warm night. I walked her 3/4th of the way home, returned, posted a short blurb on Xanga, went to bed and lived happily ever after. The End.

I’ve got some swell stuff to write about. But don’t feel like it yet. I had an interesting night. I feel mellow and nice.

I hope everybody who received a Jack Handey quote, enjoyed it. I was killing time inbetween class and it was a natural progression from Toonces.

The pretentious elite at indie torrents have voted on and declared the top fifty albums of 2004 (votes in parenthesis). I’m going to seek many of these. Out of the albums I’ve listened to I would recommend, #2, 9, 13, and 36. #1 and #8 are fucking terrible. I would have included “Stars – Set yourself on fire”, “Scissor Sisters – Scissor Sisters”, “!!! – Louden Up Now”, “Laurel Music – This Night And The Next” and “I Am The World Trade Center – The Cover Up”

01. Arcade Fire – Funeral (269)

02. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – Shake the Sheets (126)

03. Madvillain – Madvillainy (73)

04. Interpol – Antics (72)

05. Iron & Wine – Our Endless Numbered Days (66)

06. Sonic Youth – Sonic Nurse (59)

07. Wilco – A Ghost is Born (57)

08. Xiu Xiu – Fabulous Muscles (56)

09. Modest Mouse – Good News…. (51)

10. Elliott Smith – from a basement on the hill (48)

11. 65 Days of Static – The Fall of Math (46)

12. TV On the Radio – Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes (45)

13. AC Newman – The Slow Wonder (44)

14. Joanna Newsom – The Milk-Eyed Mender (43)

15. Of Montreal – Satanic Panic in the Attic (42)

16. Animal Collective – Sung Tongs (39)

17. Unbunny – Snow Tires (38)

18. The Blow – Poor Aim: Love Songs (37)

19. Devendra Banhart – Rejoicing/Nino* (37)

20. The Go! Team – Thunder Lightning Strike (36)

21. Sufjan Stevens – Seven Swans (36)

22. Mirah – C’mon Miracle (33)

23. Brian Wilson – Smile (33)

24. Bjork – Medulla (32)

25. Aloha – Here Comes Everything (31)

26. The Fiery Furnaces – Blueberry Boat (30)

27. The Ex – Turn (30)

28. Morrisey – You Are the Quarry (29)

29. Franz Ferdinand – s/t (29)

30. The Good Life – Album of the Year (28)

31. Blonde Redhead – Misery is a Butterfly (28)

32. Saturday Looks Good To Me – Every Night (27)

33. Ratatat – s/t (26)

34. Mclusky – The Difference Between Me And You Is That I’m Not On Fire (25)

35. The Walkmen – Bows and Arrows (24)

36. Air – Talkie Walkie (24)

37. The Futureheads – S/T (23)

38. Panda Bear – Young Prayer (23)

39. Minus Story – The Captain is Dead Let the Drum Corpse Danse (23)

40. Dungen – Ta Det Lungt (23)

41. Chad VanGaalen – Infiniheart (21)

42. Blood Brothers – Crimes (21)

43. The Thermals – Fuckin A (20)

44. Q and not U – Power (20)

45. Nirvana – With The Lights Out (20)

46. Mono – Walking Cloud And Deep Red Sky, Flag Fluttered And The Sun Shined (20)

47. Mates of State – All Day (20)

48. Joan Of Arc – Joan Of Arc, Dick Cheney, Mark Twain… (20)

49. Tom Waits – Real Gone (19)

50. Guided By Voices – Half Smiles of the Decomposed (19)

Goodnight.

If I ever adopt a new cat, I’m naming him Toonces.