I run on caffeine, interesting music and sunshine. I got two out of three today. After sleeping in until 2pm, I had a huge hazelnut cream coffee and chased it with a brimming glass of yummy sweet ice wine. I played an album I’d never heard of before on my pseudo-stereo. It was from “The Streets” and the horrible sickening UK rap immediately nauseated me. I’ve decided I never want to hear rap in a cockney accent ever again. The replacement album I’d also never heard from “The Killing” was some thumping indie hard rock fare that was much better.

I’m having a sauna tonight.1:00am sharp. No one ever told me I couldn’t use the sauna. Maybe they just assume I know I’m not supposed to. Well you should never assume. I’m not going into the penthouse mechanical room tonight at three, either. Last night, when I was in there some stuff was torn down from the air-make-up unit and strewn all over the cement floor. It didn’t just fall down, it was ripped down and I had been the only one that was in there since the day before. And three lights burned out while I was in there. And that never happens. I’ve only ever had one burn out on a single shift. Not three in the same room over a period of less than three minutes. I froze and couldn’t move when I saw the damage and I just stood there wide-eyed, unable to hear anything but the loud machinery but I could feel my thudding heart. And I just stood there as the lights burned out one by one. I couldn’t go into the manor house basement either. Someone had left a light on in the water room I was supposed to check and it was dark in that corridor and all I could see was a glowing line at the bottom of the door and I was spooked by that shit in the mechanical room so I just spun around and headed back.

I have a steel ring I like to wear on either pinky finger. It cost less than ten dollars but I enjoy it much more than I would a pricey one. It gives me much tactile pleasure. I love the way the smooth inside curve feels as I rotate it around my finger, or slide it gently up and down the tips of each finger. I sometimes take it off and absentmindedly spin it between my thumb and index finger, watching the light reflect bent morphing images of myself and the room. I like to roll it along the surface of my wooden desk and watch it go like an escaped hamster wheel. I like the sound it makes after colliding with a ceramic mug or cement wall. I love the little clink it makes when I let it drop onto things after an exaggerated yawn. I have a bracelet of little yellowish and black Nepalese skulls I wear too. I like playing with it also but I’m afraid it’ll break. I wish the little skulls were real.

I run on coffee, interesting music and sunshine.

I think I’m going to compile an 80 minute CD comprised of my favorite tracks released in 2004. It will be predominantly independent music and probably fairly eclectic. If anyone expresses any interest I can make a link to it in MP3 format. It will be about 100 MB and probably take an hour or two to download from my computer.

I am consistently forgetting to drink some liquor daily. I read a study a few weeks ago about how one drink eliminated oxidation or something like that and it had positive health implications for heart disease and stroke, cancer etc. Unfortunately three drinks make you pro-oxidant, which is bad apparently. I guess two is normalcy? I also feel so pathetically sluggish when I don’t drink coffee.

I’m pulling back on Xanga. Less posts, less comments. Better posts. I want people to look forward to my updates.

I have a steel ring I like to wear on either pinky finger. It cost less than ten dollars but I enjoy it much more than I would a pricey one. It gives me much tactile pleasure. I love the way the smooth inside curve feels as I rotate it around my finger, or slide it gently up and down the tips of each finger. I sometimes take it off and absentmindedly spin it between my thumb and index finger, watching the light reflect bent morphing images of myself and the room. I like to roll it along the surface of my wooden desk and watch it go like an escaped hamster wheel. I like the sound it makes after colliding with a ceramic mug or cement wall. I love the little clink it makes when I let it drop onto things after an exaggerated yawn.

Why don’t I study or work on assignments while I am here at work? Possible Answers:
(1) I am not allowed to listen to music
(2) I can’t wear my glasses
(3) I can’t dress comfortably
(4) I hate working with the stuff I am supposed to be learning
(5) I would rather be writing a novel

If I was to write a novel, what would it be? Fantasy? Skewed life? Science Fiction? Horror? MAybe I should work on getting published. An article somewhere. Something expressing the limbo and anxiety I’m feeling. The way society is grinding me down, pushing me into a system I don’t believe in, telling me if I don’t fit in and generate money I’ll be a failure.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

I was in a sparsely attended third year level databases class lecture. The professor’s lecture style was stuttering and hesitant, very hard to follow. One row in front of me sat a cute girl of Asian descent that looked vaguely familiar. The prof told an anecdote of how one of his grad students had trouble registering an account on a university database because his last name was just a single character, “O”. The girl in front of me said quietly but with enthusiasm, “That’s my last name! (with no trace of an accent)” and looked around a little for recognition. Apparently no one but myself choose to notice, so I said “Just like Karen”. She turned around and looked at me with the reply, “You like the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s?” (I was thrilled she caught my reference). The best I could do was smile and nod, since the lecture was on and we weren’t too far from the front.   After class, I initiated additional chit chat by asking her what nationality O is (Korean). We walked over to the University Community Center together talking a little about class and agreeing that Fever to Tell is too short. We exchanged names, email and numbers under the comfortable guise of “If I need any help maybe you can help.”

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

She added me as an MSN messenger contact and sent me an enthusiastic “hi!”. The conversation was good. More free and relaxed due to that comfortable distancing effect instant messaging provides. She told me I looked funny but cute walking around with my gigantic headphones and bright red backpack. I found out she works week-end nights too as a waitress at a cafe that’s open very late. She makes a leap and asks me if I wanted to do something Thursday night. Stalling for time and thinking of my long distance gf, Merle, I ask “like what?”. “Coffee and a movie at my place? My roommates won’t mind.” I consent. The coffee shop and time are set.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

My long day of classes. By seven pm I was a little burnt out. Went home, had some leftover noodles and got ready. Chose well fitting black jeans and a nice collared buttoned shirt and my general purpose shiny black shoes. Well dressed enough for most London bars/nightclubs (which isn’t saying much) but I could have gone nicer. Took the bus to the coffee shop to arrive on time and saw I had dressed appropriately. She looked good, wearing an ankle length black skirt and white blouse. We had specialty coffee and easy, excellent conversation flowed. I felt very comfortable as I believe she did also. I had thought she was at least three years younger than me, I was delighted when I found out it was the other way around, she was 27. Her decision to go back to school and get her degree was due to her floundering for a while in the real world. I told her about my situation with Merle and her eyes dropped briefly but it didn’t seem to change anything.
We walked to a video store and picked out Chasing Amy. One I hadn’t seen for ages and she had never. We took the bus back to her third floor apartment. Two of her three roommates were in the living room area. One of them was a very short brown skinned guy who wasn’t wearing a shirt. He was sitting on an inflatable chair eating pungent junk food beside an equally short female roommate sitting on an inflatable couch. I laughed at the situation after an amused “Hi.”. There was obvious tension between the three roommates. A hushed but intense argument ensued between them over the use of the living room and I offered that we could just watch it at my place or call it a night. She grabbed something from her room and we walked through her neighborhood and campus to my place. It was warm and the walk was enjoyable.
I played the new Clem Snide album softly on my stereo to eliminate the ominous silence of my empty single bedroom apartment and offered her a drink. All I had for mixer was pepsi, so it was either, open one of the bottles of my Christmas gift wine, or pepsi-something. We each did a shot of straight Bacardi and laughed at my tiny TV. Two more shots of Bacardi and we were comfortable enough to watch the movie together on my turquoise couch. After it was over she asked me if there was anywhere we could smoke the weed she brought. We moved two chairs out onto my deck and enjoyed my ninth floor view and the unseasonable warm night. I walked her 3/4th of the way home, returned, posted a short blurb on Xanga, went to bed and lived happily ever after. The End.

I’ve got some swell stuff to write about. But don’t feel like it yet. I had an interesting night. I feel mellow and nice.

I hope everybody who received a Jack Handey quote, enjoyed it. I was killing time inbetween class and it was a natural progression from Toonces.

The pretentious elite at indie torrents have voted on and declared the top fifty albums of 2004 (votes in parenthesis). I’m going to seek many of these. Out of the albums I’ve listened to I would recommend, #2, 9, 13, and 36. #1 and #8 are fucking terrible. I would have included “Stars – Set yourself on fire”, “Scissor Sisters – Scissor Sisters”, “!!! – Louden Up Now”, “Laurel Music – This Night And The Next” and “I Am The World Trade Center – The Cover Up”

01. Arcade Fire – Funeral (269)

02. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists – Shake the Sheets (126)

03. Madvillain – Madvillainy (73)

04. Interpol – Antics (72)

05. Iron & Wine – Our Endless Numbered Days (66)

06. Sonic Youth – Sonic Nurse (59)

07. Wilco – A Ghost is Born (57)

08. Xiu Xiu – Fabulous Muscles (56)

09. Modest Mouse – Good News…. (51)

10. Elliott Smith – from a basement on the hill (48)

11. 65 Days of Static – The Fall of Math (46)

12. TV On the Radio – Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes (45)

13. AC Newman – The Slow Wonder (44)

14. Joanna Newsom – The Milk-Eyed Mender (43)

15. Of Montreal – Satanic Panic in the Attic (42)

16. Animal Collective – Sung Tongs (39)

17. Unbunny – Snow Tires (38)

18. The Blow – Poor Aim: Love Songs (37)

19. Devendra Banhart – Rejoicing/Nino* (37)

20. The Go! Team – Thunder Lightning Strike (36)

21. Sufjan Stevens – Seven Swans (36)

22. Mirah – C’mon Miracle (33)

23. Brian Wilson – Smile (33)

24. Bjork – Medulla (32)

25. Aloha – Here Comes Everything (31)

26. The Fiery Furnaces – Blueberry Boat (30)

27. The Ex – Turn (30)

28. Morrisey – You Are the Quarry (29)

29. Franz Ferdinand – s/t (29)

30. The Good Life – Album of the Year (28)

31. Blonde Redhead – Misery is a Butterfly (28)

32. Saturday Looks Good To Me – Every Night (27)

33. Ratatat – s/t (26)

34. Mclusky – The Difference Between Me And You Is That I’m Not On Fire (25)

35. The Walkmen – Bows and Arrows (24)

36. Air – Talkie Walkie (24)

37. The Futureheads – S/T (23)

38. Panda Bear – Young Prayer (23)

39. Minus Story – The Captain is Dead Let the Drum Corpse Danse (23)

40. Dungen – Ta Det Lungt (23)

41. Chad VanGaalen – Infiniheart (21)

42. Blood Brothers – Crimes (21)

43. The Thermals – Fuckin A (20)

44. Q and not U – Power (20)

45. Nirvana – With The Lights Out (20)

46. Mono – Walking Cloud And Deep Red Sky, Flag Fluttered And The Sun Shined (20)

47. Mates of State – All Day (20)

48. Joan Of Arc – Joan Of Arc, Dick Cheney, Mark Twain… (20)

49. Tom Waits – Real Gone (19)

50. Guided By Voices – Half Smiles of the Decomposed (19)

Goodnight.

If I ever adopt a new cat, I’m naming him Toonces.

Monday, January 10, 2005 6:38am

Good morning Mark.
Good morning James. How was everything over the week-end?
Ok, pretty routine. The side path out to the benches is really icy, like a skating rink, it’s probably dangerous. And the skeleton key isn’t working in the back courtyard doors anymore.
Yeah, we changed the lock last week with the installation of the new intercom box back there, did you notice it?
Yeah.
Anyway, you need to take a special courtyard key to get in through the back door now.
Sure. That’s a little annoying but ok.
There’s something else I wanted to ask you about too…
Ok.
Last week-end, did you notice those black gouges on the seventh floor outside the mechanical room?
Yes, the ones beside the door to the roof right? They’re gone now.
Do you know what could have caused them?
No. I thought they looked like handprints though. Maybe a racoon got inside?
I don’t think so, I’ve thought about it and they don’t look like racoon claws and they were right at the top of the wall. How would a racoon gouge into concrete like that anyway? It had me and the contractors we called in to fix it puzzled and I wanted to know what you thought.
I really didn’t give it too much thought, I kind of just noted it and kept rolling on by during the 3am meter checks. At that time of night, I just kind of absorb what I see without much thought. I don’t think I could get through that patrol otherwise.
I see… I don’t know if I should broach this subject or not but… Do you know that you are the only guard we’ve been able to keep on the nightshift for more than 4 months?
Yes. I’m aware of that.
When I took over the site supervisor position from Matt last year do you know what he told me? He said, handle James with velvet gloves and go really light criticizing him in any way because we badly need to keep him on the nightshift. When I asked him why, he made a strange face and told me that things are a little different here at night and for some reason James just deals with it.
Matt used to rotate on the nightshift before he became supervisor and was put on straight days.
Yes, I know. Look, James. It’s no secret that you don’t do half of what you write in your report during your shift and I don’t care. The fact that you do the 3am meter checks and stay awake is enough for me even though the post orders from the condo manager say otherwise. What I really want to ask you but hesitate to every Monday morning is this: Is there really anything strange going on here at night?
What do you mean strange?
Well… I’m not sure. Like this incident here. It’s really bizarre. I never mentioned this, but when we had the elevator inspectors in a few months ago, they found some damage in the shafts that was similarly strange. Also, before David was fired, he had hinted that some odd things might be happening at night. Chris gave me the same kind of signals before he quit last year too. They were both stubborn when I tried to get them to elaborate.
Look Mark, I’ve got to go or else I’ll miss the next set of busses, I only have a few hours before class to catch a short rest. Sometimes when you’re really tired you just think you see things but I’m sure it was nothing.
James, I was on nights for two weeks. Maybe I’m just looking for confirmation here… I saw them.
I’m going Mark. See you tomorrow morning.

Jittery. Nervous. Fickle. Compulsive. During this past week I’ve been procrastinating into a familiar state of manic self-loathing. I hate it, I feel artificial and churn with worry inside. Over indulging in shallow temporary pleasures such as video games, novels, televised sports, excessive xanganess, junk food, etc. I need to find a way to break out of the spiral. Summon a shred of desperately needed self discipline.

I listened to a Radio Netherlands program on castrati tonight. Some nut suggested that for a serious revival of opera to take place we need to bring them back. The historical sexuality and societal discussion segments were gripping.

Of the top 100 grossing films of 2004, I watched 17. Here they are in order of largest to smallest gross. (Garfield is the stand-out horrible movie of the bunch). Here is the list. It was an oddly enlightening mundane little exercise.

1    Shrek 2
2    Spider-Man 2
4    The Incredibles
5    Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
14    50 First Dates
16    Fahrenheit 9/11
18    DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story
26    Mean Girls
27    Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
33    The Terminal
34    Garfield: The Movie
41    Kill Bill Vol. 2
43    Barbershop 2: Back in Business
48    Dawn of the Dead
63    Napoleon Dynamite
75    Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
90    Jersey Girl

2025 me disclaimer: using terrible, unfunny AI images to replace the missing 2005 screenshots from the Sims. Apologies. It’s awful, but I wanted this post to kind of make sense.

It’s a beautiful day in the neigbourhood, a beautiful day for a neighbour.  Would you be mine? Could you be mine? The reason that the last couple of posts were pretty spartan is that I’ve been playing The Sims 2 way too much. I spent a lot of time adding a bunch of downloaded celebrities to the game as well as making a sim that really looks like me. I actually used my webcam to take a straight on and profile shot so it would be accurate. (no I don’t have too much free time, I just like to procrastinate)

Here I am, Jazzercising in a stylish red tracksuit.:

Since I know I can’t devote anymore time past this weekend on the game I decided on the strategy of, “have as many babies with as many women as possible and kill off all of my man-rivals.” (The game has its own little neighbourhood mysteries you are supposed to unravel and solve but sometimes it’s just better to blaze your own trail.) I used a money cheat code so I could fund my house and death tower seen here:

Now all I had to do was wait for some celebrities to wander along. Look! Arnold Schwarzenegger dropped by to talk about the weather:

So after luring him into the tower, I quickly ran out and removed the door. I left some balloons and Teddy bears to keep morale up. Unfortunately, Arnie didn’t last very long in the tower. The reaper came after one lousy day. And he popped the balloons!

For the next schmoe, I thought I would find out long he could swim (Apparently sims can’t climb without a ladder) He lasted a long time, almost as long as Arnold.

This was starting to get boring, so I thought I would try and keep the prisoners alive for as long as possible. I kindly gave them a fridge, a toilet and shower. I even ordered them pizzas and cooked burnt grilled cheese sandwiches for them. Soon the collection had grown. (that’s Brad Pitt on the toilet and by the fridge is the ghost of some guy who drowned in the pool).

No ladies, I haven’t seen your husbands, this episode of CSI is pretty good though huh?

So to conclude, six homicides so far (including my male maid) and no babies yet.

Why do I procrastinate? I woke up, checked Xanga and just generally wasted time. I finally made a puffy pancake and used that as an excuse to waste even more time. And then wasting more time on other pursuits, had a coffee and screwed around even more. Caved in and played the sims 2. Then watched the Raptors game. Pathetic. pathetic pathetic.

Things to do.
(1) Mail gifts MONDAY MORNING
(2) Mail Applications MONDAY MORNING.
(3) Meet with Bin Ma. NEXT WEEK Prepare a proposal.
(4) CLEAN