I’m not on a happy path right now.

I have a shitty social life.

I need to get this room clean and functional, then I need to keep meeting women, exercising, and working at science and my class. I can do a passable job at the class, but T-Rex needs more attention.

Diablo 2 needs to go away a bit.

I am thinking of adopting a maine coon.

I found my first entry meant for xanga. WOW. 5 years ago, yet I completely had my future self pegged. Plus as a bonus my opinion a week and a half into the iraq war. Hahaha. Boy was I wrong.

April 2 2003:

My first entry into this log I am starting. It is a diary I guess, although I have always hated that word. What is prompting me to start this? Turmoil in my 4+ year relationship with ******, A desire to increase my typing skills, I sometimes envy people with online blogs but also know that is not for me. I am too private and guarded a person. I know if I continue this “diary” one of my biggest fears will be that someone reads it before I am ready. I also think keeping a record of my life may somehow validate it and eliminate the insignificance I feel regarding my existence. I am hoping that writing this will help me figure out what I really want in life.

I am feeling irritated at the moment because of ******’s intrusion through MSN messenger. She is very demanding of my attention which causes a lot of friction between us,  I want more space and she wants less. This is an obstacle I am not sure we can overcome. I just received an e-mail, I blocked ****** on MSN fairly abruptly but still she tries to contact me. I hope it is not her. I am still hesitating to express my true unfiltered feelings because I know they would be extremely hurtful to ****** if she were to read them. Another e-mail I will check, at least one of them should not be ******. I was wrong, they were both her, one titled, I don’t feel like coming anymore. She is referring to her visit tomorrow. Well I am almost positive she still wants to come, but I know I really don’t want to see her. In the angry frame of mind I am in right now from her two scorned e-mails I really feel like breaking up with her is the right decision and I should do it now. I am very worried that If I do however it will take a long time for me to meet someone new. I know I have social weaknesses and being with ****** has felt like having a crutch in that regard. I think, I have a girlfriend that loves me, so I cant be totally inept. My relationship with ****** is unhealthy though I think. She has had a 4+ year infatuation with me and I don’t enjoy being with her anymore. These issues are coming to a boiling point because of the presence of Melissa and to a lesser degree Yao, the two group members from my cs 212b class. I am not greatly attracted to either one of them in particular but I find the possibility that I could be with someone new exciting.

I turned American Idol on, distraction. Fuck the phone is ringing, it has to be ******, I am not answering it. No message, maybe I was wrong. Ringing again. She is killing our relationship with this aggressive pursuit of me. I am so sick of dealing with her. The London knights won their first round playoff game tonight, it would have been better if they lost I think. Now I have to decide if I should buy tickets for me and ****** and pretend everything is OK and go and watch a playoff knights game with her. I should turn off the TV distraction. But I feel sick with emotion right now.

The Iraq war is being fought now it is about a week and a half into it I think. My opinion?, good will come of it for the Iraqi people but the US is doing it for selfish reasons, not because they want to liberate the Iraqis, but because they want to squash any possible threat to the US. I am glad Canada is abstaining but know it may hurt things here and may grow resentment towards us in the US. I feel disillusioned and that I have lost the focus of this entry.

I have to fill out an evaluation of my group members for noon tomorrow. Melissa and Yao were the workhorses, Jason me and Ahmed coasted but everyone will get the same mark. I feel a desire to talk with Melissa on MSN right now but I think I feel to drained to make it worthwhile. I want to listen to music now and get some things accomplished. I think I need something mellow or maybe not, maybe tatu, 200km/h in the wrong lane. There is an urgency/desperation in many tracks on that album, I think I crave right now. I listened to a lot of the new Radiohead album “Hail To The Thief” today, I hate Radiohead, I keep giving them a chance, trying to enjoy their music but it never fails to disappoint. I will forever associate them with SouthPark and eric Cartman, and the teenager that took advantage of him in that show. I hate TV.

Hmmm mmm mmm m mm.

Maybe if I do a little bit of writing once a week, I’ll be able to sustain this BLOG. Whenever I say/think/write “blog”, I get imagery of a fat frog taking a deep breath, completely filling up his giant throat sack, then bellowing out a deep guttural BLAAWWWWHHHGGGGG! ….. ribbit ribbit. It’s such a swampy frog word.

I’ve made a decision to rededicate myself to music.

I’m not going to start learning to play an instrument (although I still hope that at some point I’ll learn the piano).

Podcasts have taken over my life. Up until this morning I used to love them. The passive learning is wonderful. That flowing stream of knowledge gobbles up time at work. It doesn’t make you feel like your life is wasting away while doing a menial task. Marketplace, Quirks and Quarks, This American Life, The B.S. Report, ESPN’s Pardon The Interuption. Savage Love, Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me… all fun, interesting, and fantastic ways to burn away the day.

But.

It’s infoporn. And I’m addicted.

When do my thoughts get to navigate my neurons? They are subjugated too often these days. My focus is terrible. I want change.

So the music. It was a track by Rob Szabo that I heard on a CBC radio podcast that has changed my mind (irony!… I think). It’s a beautiful song (Good Son), the type I used to lilsten to all the time when I felt my life was more under control…. that’s a lie…. back when I was happier….. another lie probably.

I just want to recover some focus and clarity. When I listen to music, it’s more me. And my music tends to be melodic, fun and/or literate, usually thoughtful and beautiful. It blocks out extraneous noise and coaxes my consciousness out and provides a soundtrack for clarity. Silence would be better I suppose. But maybe I’m not quite ready for that yet. Maybe this is just a misguided Sunday morning musing. Getting back on top of the indie Canadian music scene may not be the answer to my anxiety. It could just be an attempt to emulate my younger self… but you can’t unlearn experience.

But knowing myself, I feel that it should be a significant shift in a positive direction. The right thing to do right now.
this a futile Sunday morning musing.

Ahhh the stern face that wallpapered my desktop computer for the past week and a half. If he could hold firm and defeat the Nazis, I could muster up the discipline to prepare properly and get through my immunology presentation.

It did go well. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good enough. I didn’t seize up or anything, but it wasn’t smooth and suave either. I am just so fucking relieved that it’s over.

I can now go back to this:

2025 me here: I think I had a fun wallpaper of space ghosts. Wish I still had it.

If you are going to go through hell, keep going.
     -Sir Winston Churchill

My company wide presentation is Monday morning at 8:30am. I have 30 complicated slides, and am terrified.

The 4am-5am hour is the fastest of the day. 3pm-4pm the slowest.

Al Gore kicked major ass. I don’t know why they didn’t use him as the setup directly before Barack.

I’m such a hermit.

Agoraphobic tendancies.

I’m not a misanthrope. I’m not grumpy or unsociable. I like being social. I love making connections, laughing and sharing with people.

Friends and coworkers love me. I was told twice this week that I’m charming. I get invitations to come out to gatherings, parties, bars, etc all the time. Even though I generally turn them all down.

I was invited out to a BBQ tonight and a VIP party for a semi-pro football team tomorrow night. I canceled on the BBQ for no good reason even though I really wanted to see the friend who invited me. I know I’m not going to show at the party tomorrow night, even though it would probably be tons of fun.

What the hell is wrong with me.