My company wide presentation is Monday morning at 8:30am. I have 30 complicated slides, and am terrified.

The 4am-5am hour is the fastest of the day. 3pm-4pm the slowest.

Al Gore kicked major ass. I don’t know why they didn’t use him as the setup directly before Barack.

I’m such a hermit.

Agoraphobic tendancies.

I’m not a misanthrope. I’m not grumpy or unsociable. I like being social. I love making connections, laughing and sharing with people.

Friends and coworkers love me. I was told twice this week that I’m charming. I get invitations to come out to gatherings, parties, bars, etc all the time. Even though I generally turn them all down.

I was invited out to a BBQ tonight and a VIP party for a semi-pro football team tomorrow night. I canceled on the BBQ for no good reason even though I really wanted to see the friend who invited me. I know I’m not going to show at the party tomorrow night, even though it would probably be tons of fun.

What the hell is wrong with me.

Barbeque Pizza, Cheap Cabernet, Spinach salad.

Roommate off of his prozac.

Week-end cluelessness.

I don’t feel like I can write publicly on this thing anymore. Not with the same voice I used to.

There was something in the news last week about writers who use “I” and “me”. How they are overly inwardly focused. According to whoever did the study, wrote the book, or whatever. These people are generally more unhappy, insecure, losers etc. Fuck. I use “I” all the fucking time. Me me me me fucking me.

I suppose the idea is that happy people write more about other people. Happiness is only real when shared. That was from “Into The Wild”. Alex Supertramp wrote it when things were going badly in his Alaskan bus. I still don’t know if I buy it.

2008

I broke up with ******. It wasn’t a clean breakup. It was a process that spanned weeks. I ripped her heart out. I know I did.

I ran from Waltham and her and moved into an apartment in Cambridge. My roommate is a young, quiet locksmith with depression issues.

I went from a Scientific Technician at a large contract organization to a Research Scientist at a small pharmaceutical company.

I started dating, for the first time at 28 years old. I had my heart hurt for the first time.

I’m still so restless. Being single doesn’t change that.

Maybe I met ****** too early in my life.

I have to move again, for the second time this year. My landlord’s house that I rent in was foreclosed on. It’s ugly. I’m not paying rent because she doesn’t own the house. She’s stealing our mail now.

There’s an exam on Tuesday that I’m not ready for. I can’t study anymore for it right now due to high anxiety and stress. I always get through these things somehow. Somehow I don’t think this one is going to be ok though.

I’m not happy right now. Usually I’m happy.

The opening ceremonies were interesting, I wish I could have been in the stadium to see it.

I’m telling myself that I’m boycotting the rest though.

Yes I am stressed out.

Stress stress stress. It’s not financial. It’s not health related. Those fronts are wonderful.

Career stress. Presentation in front of the whole company stress.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I just need to get into it. Sunday. Tomorrow needs to be productive in terms of laying out the presentation. If everything went wonderful, I would have a draft to show to people on Monday for feedback. I need to do that. Maybe I’ll get a massage tomorrow. If I’m tense and stressed still. It’s 7:12pm. I need to write my Emily and Hiroko emails.

I hate that I have to do this. I hate that I have to live like this. I wish I was passionate about my work. I hate that I’m not amazing or terrible at anything.

I’m in a good mood today. 🙂

2025 me here: This was such a transitional phase of my life. I’ve made almost all my old posts public now, but some around this time are just too personal to share.