Having a hard time getting back into the grind. I tasted relaxation and freedom from constant anxiety over making deadlines and I liked it. I’m going to need a small miracle to get my next assignment in on time (T-minus 8 hours). I am way too wired right now. Well rested and over caffeinated. It was the pizza too, many people don’t realize pizza is actually really low in fat, but loaded with sugar/carbohydrates. It’s like eating candy. I’ve been pacing tonight, can’t seem to slow down and focus. Maybe after writing this I will be able to get into it.

The following is a little bizarre and I am not proud of it. In class today I was in a little bit of a nasty mood (also exhausted). The reason being was that I had embarrassed myself in front of the professor. It wasn’t anything major, I had just dropped off an assignment for the course in the wrong location on Friday, I slid it under the door to the classroom (room 316) instead of at her office (room 361) like I was supposed to. Minor, I know. Still it made me feel stupid because she mentioned it at the start of todays class that she wanted the assignments in her office and not at the classroom and went on to explain that the classroom was used by many classes etc, etc. I knew she was addressing me directly even though she was very diplomatic about it and said “there were a couple assignments under the door when she got there in the morning”. I was doing a slow burn as the lecture started. So, what I have in my notebook is two pages of critical notes observing my professor like she was some sort of novel medical abnormality I was cataloguing for a journal. Really petty, superficial notes like unstylish clothes and grandma glasses, a frizzy puffy mess of hair, frumpy gnome like body, pale unheathly skin, large fleshy belly etc. I think I did this as a way to slip her ego underneath my own and feel better about myself. An ugly, uncharacteristic little exercise. Some of it is good hearted and actually pretty funny though.

It’s over. A quiet day I needed. Been reflecting on my relationships with family and friends today. I recieved an unexpected email from my little sister in B.C. who is a real fierce independant artistic type. Much more so than me, who isn’t mainstream (I hope). We have had virtually zero correspondence or conversation over the last 6 years or so, there isn’t any animosity between us, we just are both kind of detached. She complained a little of the distance and expressed a desire to have a better relationship but I think it was half hearted. Still I wrote an appropriately pleaseant and encouraging response. That is the theme of my immediate family, I think we all genuinely love each other greatly but we just have steaks of introvert in us. Now that we are all adults the distance is more marked. The last Christmas we were all together it was pretty weird and awkward. Like four old friends kind of just going through the motions. Enjoying each others company but not really displaying too much emotion. The love is there though. I also enjoyed the well wishing I recieved from friends and colleages today. Many of them relationships that I never seeked out, they just kind of developed. I have always thought of myself as someone who doesn’t mind not having a large circle of friends or a booming social life, but when I stop to think about it, maybe the reason I don’t feel lonely too often is that my social network is better than I know. Today was a good day.

2025 me here: There was an image here. Can’t remember what it was. This was such a grateful little post though.

Well, this is it. October 24th. I’m now 25. I’ve been killing myself lately, but I’m going to take today pretty easy. Going to let my body just sleep and sleep and sleep. I will splurge on some good food and dessert. My parents sent me a corny yet wonderful gift of a Simpsons chess set in the mail. Something I would never ever buy myself but love the fact that I now have it. Also some money that I am not sure they can part with and I will feel very guilty depositing into my account. I get the feeling they struggle financially and work so hard to give their two children every opportunity possible. I feel very blessed to have them. They really gave me my independence growing up but always made it clear that they were there supporting me, not forcing religion or any expectations upon me, but making sure I knew University would really have a positive effect on my future and self. It was the type of parenting I needed and am grateful for and they are still doing it today.

Wasn’t as bad as I implied below. Yay for short term memory. Still I just want to lay on the floor and groan. Hour and a half before I leave for a 12 hour shift. 😦

Exam 2 to 4pm today. How am I doing on it?

2025 me here: There was an image here. Lost to time I suppose.

Weeeeeeeeee. TOtally and Utterly exhausted…. At work….. exam tomorrow…. 3 hours sleep since Wednesday night ……was at the library tonight printing the notes for this class at 8 slides per page. There were so many…. they kept printing and printing…. and the longer they printed, the more I wanted to weep. Eyelids sooo heavy, so much coffee… hardly any effect…. I am in such a sorry state right now….. so much more to study. Fall asleep, jerk awake, read a few pages, repeat. I hate this.

Hitting a low point tonight. Burning out…. hopefully I can reignite fairly soon. Toast now though. Adapted from a Marc Maron rant, I like my version better though *ahem*:

I am riding on a Harley-Davidson, 100 Mph on a wind-swept desert flat, all alone. I’ve got a spiky mohawk and face paint, fingerless gloves and my body is covered with crude tatoos, metal studs and a tattered leather jacket. The sun is cold and pale and all around is miles and miles of horizontal emptiness. In the distance, a lone figure appears wearing a long coat of black crow feathers, a necklace of skulls, his face smeared with ash. He says “You’re late! Come with me, everybody’s waiting” We walk together for weeks until we reach a valley. There is an enormous geodisic dome covered in skins. We go inside where 200 beuatiful women from all over the world, all dressed in shredded furs are lounging around. He picks up a huge mallet and smacks a gong. “He’s here!!” he announces and points to me. The women.women squeal and rush towards me. “What’s going on?” I ask, as the women start picking at my clothes. “You and I are the only males left. You have to repopulate the continent, I have to go, besides I scare them, it’s probably the skull necklace.” He stepped outside, flapped his crow feathered coat and flew off. I watched him fade into a small black speck under the steel grey sky. Then I turned back to the dome full of women, hungry to start a new nation, I become calm for the first time in months.. I woke up and my bed was filed with cobalt.

Listening to amazing music right now. Hypnotech 3 is the band I believe. I’ve started to download online streams (CHRW indie programs and Morning Sedition from Air America), save them and then convert them to MP3. Right now I am listening to yesterdays 7am-11am broadcast of CHRW on my diskman. It seems they play the best music when I can’t listen to it. It took a lot of pain and headbanging to get the auto scheduler of this streaming program to work right and find the right conversion programs but I am happy with it now. The new Adbusters seems even more doom and gloom than usual. I wish everyone read it. The $7.95 cover price really hurts though. I need to stop putting off subscribing.

At the store yesterday when I was picking up a package at the post office (Birthday present for Sunday!) I bought 10 hot lips jube-jubes and stuffed all 10 in my mouth at once for the bike ride home. It was a challenge, but I pulled it off, I think I almost choked. My dentist told me I was one of those rare people that has room for their wisdom teeth. I guess I have a large mouth.

No coffee today yet…. I’ve been kind of floating around in a dreamlike state. Worries and anxiety aren’t as sharp. Small headache is gathering steam. It has to be withdrawal because I don’t think I had one yesterday either. Brain want it. Brain need it. I will give in a little later. Now that I have sat down and thunk about my day a little and all the stuff I have to get done, I am starting to panic. Easy easy. I had a Jones soda today, bubblegum flavour. And I bought the new Adbusters mag! Yaa. The shopkeep, a girl working at the campus variety store, the pit stop, looked at it with a perplexed look on her face. Maybe because it was printed on recycled paper and wasn’t glossy and shiny like all the other mags they hoc. I was hoping she would ask me about it so I could make some nasty little cutting remark like “I can tell by looking at you that you have never read it.” She was a bottle blonde, cute and fashionable like most of the girls on campus but probably stuck in her little bubble world where her only worries are looking good for class and who and where to go out on the weekend to get drunk and fucked by an equally phony superficial male.

2025 me here: There was likely an image of Simon John Charles Le Bon here. Replacing the broken link with a craptastic AI image. 

Wow, the lead singer of Duran Duran looks fat (Tonight Show), I see the future of (insert name of sexy young rock star here). I have a hard time sleeping on Tuesday nights since I have to adjust from working nights to 3 days off and sleeping at night. So I will probably watch Conan, at least until after the first guest. Dentist appointment tomorrow morning. He makes me pay up front, I don’t think that’s normal. I really hope I don’t need a root canal. What a boring post. My heart wasn’t in it. Apologies to anyone who read it.

Slept right through all my classes today. Something had to give, I am not a robot. I have a pretty nasty headache right now too, took advil but I can still feel it. The only forum I post at with any regularity is down, Animetric Forum. Too bad, I wanted to look at it right now. I feel like getting into really warm loose comfortable clothes, having hot chocolate and curling into a comfortable ball in my bowl chair to watch anime. Kino’s Travels would be perfect, nothing loud. Something quieter and introspective.

2025 me here: Looks like the Animetric forum is gone. The owner moved to Animetric.net, but looks like it’s a beauty and K-drama blog now

4:50am woooooooooo (you see.. because yesterday I said, ….ah nevermind.) Today is going to be fun in a terrible, I’m killing myself kind of way. I really should ask for a schedule change here at work, being here all night then going to lecture and getting assignments done all day can’t be healthy. Sleep is the new sex. I stole that from someone. I understand it though. Ever since Christopher Reeve died, I have had that one Superman song playing over and over in my head. The one where it’s …*ahem* Dun dun da dedun….. dun dun dun. Dun dun du da dun, Dun DA DUN!  then and it kind of repeats and goes soft and comes back strong and ….. well you know, or maybe not. I’m tired, leave me alone.

5:19am weeeeeeee. At work, tired yet not tired. Seeing things. I get off in an hour and 10 minutes. I like how it is still dark when I go home now. I am actually able to get to sleep while it is still dark out. If I get home and the sun is up, I am more likely to eat, kill time, play on the computer, etc until I collapse of exhaustion. I just noticed on the security camera, I am not seeing things, it is just rain. When a droplet is filmed at a precise moment, it fills the whole camera screen and can look like a spooky white ghost. Hmmmmm I’ve lost interest in this post fairly quickly, just found something else very interesting…..