I turn 29 in a few days. 29. A very suspect age.
I feel like a peel of what I used to be. The more confident, beautiful, clever core is lost in the past. The peel is inferior. The peel lacks clarity. The core was quirky but the peel has diverged in even more idiosyncratic ways.
Maybe that’s all bullshit. I probably was always this way. This year I’ve just been exposed. Being single for the first time since I was 18 has sharpened self-consciousness. Old photographs don’t reveal the turmoil that I’ve always felt. The breakup was a good decision. It would have been a wasted life if I did it at 40. I’ve met at least one wonderful person dating. I’m terrible at it, but at least I’m attractive enough to have repeated chances.
Music. Writing. Reading. Getting into the woods. Having a wonderful woman and fuzzy cat in my life. Career success. Health.
I should stop straying from these things. I should actually pursue instead of relying on passive diffusion to bring me happiness.
The Ancient Undergrad 
I suffered through “almost 30” on Monday. I’m surprised that I still struggle with deceptively simple questions, like “Why?” and the bigger, more pressing, “What do I want?” and it scares me that I don’t have good answers to either.
LikeLike
Being over 30 doesn’t help much. I suppose that isn’t very helpful, is it? At least I hope you have a bit of fun on your birthday.
LikeLike
ahh so many things to respond to in your brief blog…enjoy being single. i know it’s unnerving (especially after being in relationships for about 12 years straight), but take advantage of the “me” time.sure (or hoping) you’re much different than when you were 18 — perhaps you’ve either lost sight of some things that you’ve wanted to do… there are so many more freedoms when you’re 29… i’m not normally an optimist nor am i stating that’s what this is, but i woke up on my 29th birthday in a good mood (first time in years). i actually looked forward to tackling that final step of my 20s. i’m ready to move on with all the wisdom i’ve gained over the last 10, 15 years. hopefully by now we’ve reached the point where it’s not just about striving for whatever makes you happy but then finding the strength to fend off self-imposed expectations (where being ‘ancient’ has kicked in here). we’ve got one more year to perfect the balance. i am a lot more settled, and yet i am finding myself busier than i have ever been prior to now.so yeah. that’s my “up and at em” encouragement/consolation lol. hope your birthday was great =)
LikeLike
wait a minute, don’t we both have the same birthday?? oh crap, that means i’m going to be 29 soon also!
LikeLike
I know what you mean. I keep blaming pregnancy hormones for making me boring, but truth is, the condition just made me less of a druggie and alcoholic. So maybe the reality check is that I’m not as amazing as I thought.
But I also feel like somewhere settling down meant settling and so I’ve lost all creative thought. Perhaps it goes back to the torutred soul and the drinking being sickeningly more satisfied than this sedate, healthier lifestyle
LikeLike