My all-time favorite commercial was a fairly recent one for Kraft Dinner. A young man walks into an empty apartment prompting thoughts of, “Why is it completely empty? Was he robbed?” There’s a picture of him pinned to the wall with a fork. The picture is vandalized. His eyes are poked out and someone gave him devil horns. It’s now clear that this man’s girlfriend/wife has cleaned him out and left for good. Besides the mutilated picture, all that she left behind was his scruffy looking dog. So what does he do? Break down and cry? Wallow in self-pity and alcohol? No. He had a rough day and now he’s kind of hungry. Looks like she left some Kraft Dinner in the cupboard. But what to cook it in? He glances around the empty apartment and spies the dog’s water bowl. Perfect. He adds the instant KD and water, cooks it in the microwave, plucks the fork out of the wall and chows down. Then he smiles. Then I smile. Because I know what he must be thinking, “Wow, she’s finally gone. Took all the stuff too. That’s a small price to pay to get that crazy she-demon out of my life though. This isn’t so bad. I’ve got my dog, a roof over my head, warm KD in my belly, and best of all, sweet sweet freedom. Life is good.”
I slept through a thunderstorm this morning. I would never have known except lighting hit the roof, jarring me out of fitful slumber. For this reason I remember a fragment of a dream. I was headed to a kennel to pickup my childhood family dog, Bear (a big, incredibly furry, beautiful husky/German sheppard). I walked into the kennel and noticed that, for some inexplicable reason, a log of what each dog had said overnight was written down on a gigantic whiteboard on the wall. So I looked at the list of dog names and noted what each one had said. Not surprisingly, all the dogs had said, “Ruff!”. Except for Bear. He was different. Written beside his name was, “Woof!”. Woof? Why was Bear the only Woof?
When I woke up the bed was empty and Merle was on a tear, cleaning the apartment. She was wearing my least favorite boxer shorts and a pink sports bra. I wanted no part of her this morning, so I grumpily ignored her, drank my coffee and read my novel. The main character’s girlfriend had just cleaned out his apartment and left forever and ever. After breakfast I went back to bed to do nothing and indulge in a fantasy of how I’d handle Merle taking all my stuff and fleeing into the sunset. I figure I’d go out to a dark bluesy dive somewhere. Do my best to look cute and lonely. Charming and forlorn. Ahhhhh…. probably not. More likely, if she didn’t take the TV and my Sega Saturn, I’d put on my pajamas and play a retro video game. Something from my childhood that’s nice and comforting. Bubble Bobble or Shining Force. Maybe I’d drink a beer too, I’d be happy. Sweet sweet freedom. Life would be good.
This is my last night shift ever. I’m going to swim in the pool.
The Ancient Undergrad 
ahhh will look forward to that commercial soon. (maybe I should record it for my mother seeing how she left my dad and basically like that guy in that commercial, took off with almost every piece of furniture leaving my own bedroom set alone but my dad’s. all he was left with was a a boxspring, mattress, and a drawer to store clothes in.) but I guess this commercial is and in fact a true idea isn’t it?!
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I’ve seen that commercial! hehehe! When does your she-demon leave?!Shining Force was the very first RPG I ever played. *sighs fondly at the memories*
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I love how you fantasize about Merle packin up and goin away.Unfortunately, she doesn’t sound like the type to go quietly.There will be drama. Oh yes, and it will be good.
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whoa for a minute i thought that merle bit was still part of your dream. what does bear saying “woof” mean? that must’ve been hard ending it.. anyway, hope the both of you can finally have a fresh start.
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My aunt had a Germand Shepherd when I was a kid named Bear. I am not a dog person, but I loved that dog.
Did you ever beat Bubble Bobble?! I got it in junior high and we played forever and ever, getting to the 100th level but we could never beat that final guy throwing the lightening bolts. We even looked online recently for “cheats” and still couldn’t beat the damn thing. If you have, I want to know what happens upon victory. Fill me in.
Good luck with Merle. It sucks–the break-up fall-out and whatnot, but it can be done. I promise.
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Ah swimming. I hope to do some of that this weekend. (going home for a couple of days to see family). You take care. Be a dear. Not a deer butt.
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What’s Merle doing at your apt? Visiting? Oh I’m lost!
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What? I don’t remember that commercial at all, and I’m jealous.
Ahhh, thunderstorms are wonderful to sleep through.
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The little things we know about you here… make your posts feel like we are such friends! For instance, the thunderstorm and lightning hitting the roof. That always happens to you… and I smile. Then of course, there’s Merle, and well… you know our thoughts on that.
But the best part of this post is the simplicity of another man’s point of view. I would have never viewed that commercial as such, but I am glad that I will from now on!
You should skinny dip. It’s your last night after all, and well… no leaches!
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am i reading this right? she’s gone? you’re moving to hawaii to be forlorn and charming?
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i saw that commercial. it was on a while ago, though. or maybe i’m not watching shows sponswered by kraft?
i’d fall for your forlorn and charming act.
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