I just had a much needed week of fun and hedonism with a clingy succubus at my side. I let go and enjoyed it. We spent a lot of time downtown. I used some of my useless knowledge of indie music to win some free CD’s. Listened to live music. Hot Hot Heat. Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings. Cover bands. Memory loss from alcohol. Mini putt. Comic books. Awkward coffee shop trio with past and current girlfriend. Labatt brewery tour. Theater movies. Video Games. Sex. Cookies. Sugar Mountain Candy. Cats. Galleries. Fish. Trois Pistoles. Blanche de Chambly. Barakat. Hmm. So it was good. A vacation that purged accumulated stress, restlessness and insecurities.
The problem with these weekly rendezvous’ I have with Merle is that she can be perfect for a week. I really did have fun with her. Her cheeriness and excitement is infectious. I was showered with ego inflating compliments all week long. She did many niceties and unasked favours. She has a very large libido that at least matches mine, and the longer I stay with her, the more I become convinced that sex will never get boring between us. I enjoy her possessiveness and jealousy when it doesn’t cross a dangerous threshold. I catch myself thinking, “Who are you trying to fool? Yes, ok, she may have some bizarre quirks and mentally instabilities but she’s your perfect compliment. If you leave her, do you think you’ll ever find a woman who worships you like this again? What the hell is wrong with you?”
…And then the neurons containing a strong memory from when we were living together activate. The memory where I thought to myself, “I promise that no matter what happens, I will not marry this girl. She will make life unbearable. Miserable. Don’t ever forget this. Living with her is absolute hell. Never move in with her again. Not all women are like this. At least I hope not.” So after I have a good week with her, I wonder which set of promises will be broken, the ones I made with myself or with her.
We met, or hooked up, or whatever in a coed residence. We were on the same floor. Floor incest. The next year we lived with another couple in a rented house. It was the worst living arrangement I’ve ever experienced. Merle is a neat freak and an explosive personality. The other male was very messy and …. ahh never mind. It was unpleasant. A tale for another day. The next two years we lived together in an on-campus apartment exclusively. After we parted ways, her to go to teacher’s college in the states, I into a second undergrad program, we had to pay over $600 damages on the apartment. Damages that mostly resulted from the unfortunate trait I inherited from my Italian grandfather of punching walls in extreme frustration. Our posters were strategically placed. I do have a deep well of patience and it is exceedingly difficult to make me very angry. But I know that when I am provoked, it is possible to ignite a dark, intense rage that first smolders and then explodes. I envision my eyes going red, my teeth gritting and whole body tensing. Oddly enough, I grin a demonic smile too. It is in these moments that I scare myself and Merle. I know I’m incapable of hurting her though. A strong mother and good father made sure this moral was firmly embedded into my core (my grandfather apparently didn’t have this and is now divorced from my grandmother and is somewhat of a black sheep.). Anyway, my point was not to reveal a fatal character flaw but that Merle has an uncanny ability to ignore the overt warning signs I emit to totally frustrate and infuriate me regularly. In these moments, my internal censor that weighs consequences dies. I am viciously honest and brutal which deeply hurts Merle. Typically, she then cries for an indeterminate amount of time, which will elicit my affection once my rage dies. She will then pretend all I said was untrue, everything gets all better and the cycle is primed to continue.
It usually takes longer than a week together though.
The Ancient Undergrad 
wow. i really liked this post. it’s one of my favorites of yours, even.
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Ahh yes, sweet worship. I miss that part a bit. I am happier now though without the drama and content to stay that way, even if it means being alone. There’s a song that describes it perfectly by The Format…
“it’s time to get out of the desert and into the sun,
even if it’s alone.”
But, that’s me. I hope you find the answer that is for you, sooner rather than later, however as long as the sex is good…. just kidding… well sorta.
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My Justin also has the trait in punching walls when he’s angry (never ever people though, especially girls). Watch out, that’s how he broke his hand and had to have surgery on it. He punched a concrete wall in Cancun rather than the squishy plaster ones he’s used to in the States. He’s still recovering. Just yesterday he rubbed the metal plate against something and he was in pain. Be careful!
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If we forget our history, we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes again until we do learn. I’ve known a few guys who did the wall punching thing too. It’s actually scary that it’s not uncommon… One guy punched through a double plate glass window. Very bad!
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blast! foiled once again! and cookies of all things…methinks this is a very difficult situation, one that i am unfortunately aquainted with. i have found myself saying in the past, just do something wrong, say something awful, cheat on me, ANYTHING, so that i can break up with you. i was with this guy for two years, and we fought all the time. we also broke up all the time, and for the week that followed each break up our relationship was at its finest. we hung out and had fun, laughed all the time, no fighting, and the sex was incredible. but the fighting always resumed. and so a painful break up (for real) ensued. it sucked. something that inspires me in times like this: “To lose the earth you know, for greater knowing; to lose the life you have, for greater life; to leave the friends you loved, for greater loving; to find a land more kind than home, more large than earth.”-Tom WolfeI’m not going to tell you what to do because i dont know.But besides all that junk, have a wonderful day.
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Thanks for the kind words about the show and my cousins. One of them is going to be okay, the other we will know more about next week. It was just odd to find out about both of them on the same day. One is from my dad’s side of the family, the other from my mom’s. Glad you had a nice week off. Now on to job hunting right? Find one for me while you’re at it. I’ll tell you what I’m good at when I finish the “What Color is Your Parachute?” book.
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Those memories are coming back for a reason. It’s easy to trick ourselves and I’m glad you had a week of hedonistic paradise; you deserve it after the last few hellish months. You also deserve happiness, long-term, and my gut tells me this is not it. It sounds like your gut tells you the same thing. Go with that.
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so i got this random CD called Revive Your Soul and you should definately check it out cuz it has awesome indie artists like Senor Coconut, Lali Puna, and Blue States. Her Space Holiday is my personal favorite.Did you ever see the Southpark episode with the succubus?
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The South Park episode with the succubus R-O-C-K-S!!! K-I-L-L-S! Is The Best!!! …well maybe next to the Wall-Mart episode. Peaceofmymind84, you are now my friend.
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would it not be desirable to find a partner with whom you can _always_ be honest? lying about who you are and what is most important to you can be wearying after time. breaking up becomes possible after you realize that being alone is infinitely preferable to being attached and trying to convince yourself that you are happy. best wishes.
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