I satirized myself in that last post. It sounds like a nightmare scenario but there is a lot of it that I find desirable.
5:00am on Tuesday morning. Frustrated with an overdue assignment that I thought would be simple. It is like a little pebble I am tripping over after climbing mountains. There are a bunch of complex, half-formed ideas and sentiments in my head that want to be expressed and purged but I’m too fried to explore them. I wouldn’t say my life is out of control right now but it’s moving at supersonic speed. When I came home today after my last presentation I loved the way my apartment looked. The vibrant, chaotic beauty of it. I wanted to savour and remember that image because I know I’ll miss it. I love the person I am now. I have truly surprised myself, back in January I really thought I was dead meat. I’ve achieved so much more than I thought I could.
Earlier I was taking a break in my dark apartment. It was raining outside and I felt drained and phased from all the work I’ve been doing lately. A kind of crash down from operating at such a high level for such a long time. I was just lying in my bowl chair in the dark and listening to good music that was accentuating my mellow mood. A large shadow shifted behind me and I knew something had just entered my apartment. I didn’t feel like moving to look though. And I know it was something very unusual. Maybe it sensed I wasn’t in the mood to pay attention to it.
My April calendar monkey is a vervet. He has a big furry white chest and a little black face. This one looks much different than the March Japanese Macaque who had a solemn, rundown look. Unlike the macaque, the vervet isn’t looking into the camera with sad eyes, he’s gazing off into the distance with an alert, focused expression. There is newly gained wisdom in his eyes and a determined set to his jaw. You can tell this monkey has been through a lot of shit and there is still more on the horizon. He can handle it though. He has a quiet confidence and passionate core that give him strength to persevere.
The Ancient Undergrad 
“I love the person I am now.” It gives me joy to read that. I like to see someone groovin’ on his/her self when they’ve genuinely earned it and done a damned good job through a tough period. I know you work very hard and the rewards seem few and far between at times, but moments like that make it all worth it, don’t they? I think you’re an awesome human being. You’re one of my very favorite Xangans.
Maybe the shadow was just Peace, coming to rest after such a long period of frenzy. I certainly believe in the supernatural but I usually see it manifesting itself as the good forces rather than the dark.
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Loving the person you are now. I love that. There is a song by the BareNakedLadies that really speaks to the oppisite of this, but in the pursuit of it…
“Won’t it be dull, when we rid ourselves of all the demons haunting us, that keep us company?
Won’t it be odd, when we’re happy like we’ve always thought we’re supposed tp be, but never really are?”
Seems to apply to you in more ways than one.
Have a great day, and good luck with the pebble.
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I always wanted a pet moneky, at this point i’d settle for a pet midget… What do they eat?
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So strange how your calendar is reflecting your year so far. Loving who you are now. I like hearing that. Hmmm… feeling some connection between your funky banana and your monkeys…
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Wait the thing about you living in the woods was a joke? Good. I was sad that you were leaving forever.
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Thanks for the well wishes.
It was a big long narrow choir room. I ran out of the big long choir room like a little girl. I still so totally need to see that movie. All my friends have been quoting it and when it first came out I said to myself… “Self, I so TOTALLY need to see that movie.” Haven’t yet. I’ve been on Xanga too much or at rehearsals. Looks like I’m going to get about a month-long theatre break after May 1st, so I’m going to catch up then.
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bowl chairs are an essential part of a happy, fulfilled life.
cell group is when a bunch of us cellists sit around and polish our wind instruments and discuss bow techniques. Sometimes raging arguments ensue about the birthplace of the cello or which material is most resonant. I prefer pine, myself.or, the honest but less interesting answer, is that it is a group of girls who get together every two weeks to socialize, learn together, pray for each other, and generally have a whopping good time. Jenni (http://www.xanga.com/whenlilliesbloom) is our leader. I am the chauffer. You can come sometime, if you like.
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ooohhhh i get it now. wow, i feel like an idiot. i mean, it was obvious to me that you were making it up. but April Fools day completely passed me by this year. i had no idea. lol
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It is horribly undescribeably scary that your monkey calendar has monkeys that describe a month well just by their picture. Even I feel different from March…which was a very horrible month. But April is looking up 🙂
I’m glad you got so much done. I kind of thought you might. 🙂 After all, you’re so wonderful and xangaing, how could you not be good in school? I’m glad things are going well. 🙂 I missed reading your stuff.
Be happy, stay healthy, and eat lots of cookies!
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The old one is Bizarre Love Triangle and the new one is Temptation
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Hahaha, you like being the worst employee…
That’s funny.
So is the vervet.
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