Cold apartment. Cold hands and feet. Warm coffee. My little boycott is over. I needed something warm. I should stop listening to slow music it is making me all melancholy. Sometimes I can’t tolerate indie music. The six 2005 albums I have grabbed are all introspective slow songs. Styles I really enjoy but I need variety. I just put AlexisOnFire on. Much more agreeable right now.

I haven’t been too happy lately, last night especially. Sometimes I wish I was a more expressive writer. I had insomnia and felt like writing about it but couldn’t get it out. It isn’t good to be alone during the holidays (my gf is coming but this brings with it a whole different set of complications). I wonder if caffeine withdrawal increases risk of depression. There is a psych Masters thesis for someone. The crux of my unhappiness was the realization that I’m going to have to compromise on my lofty goals and dreams. It’s clear that grad school is going to be out of reach for a while and unfortunately in the bioinformatics field there aren’t too many opportunities for someone with a bachelor’s degree. I’m twenty-five and feel like I’m being left in the dust by all my peers. My friends from first year are in the Bahamas, Europe, South America all starting out on promising careers. I’m stuck here, in a situation where I’ve bit off more than I can comfortably chew once again, struggling to get by. I need to learn to set the bar lower so I can feel good exceeding it. I still haven’t found anything I have a passion for. Last week I was asked, “So what are you going to do with your life?” If you want to mess with someone, ask them this question. If they’re anything like me, it catches up to them eventually.

One coffee really turned my mood around. I now feel like an unconquerable monster. (ridiculous isn’t it?)