I’m legitimately angry at my girlfriend for the first time tonight. She’s in the shower, I’m on the chair in the hotel room not knowing how to react.

I feel partially at fault.

I should just tell her honestly how I feel when she gets out of the shower.

We are in Chicago. She has an old girlfriend she has known about 15 Years longer than me. We went out to have some famous Chicago food downtown.

It started out well. Then I was cut out of the conversation. I zoned out because they had so much backstory that they fell into, while I was quietly excluded. Her friend gossipped at a rapid pace. Gf, indulged her, contributing less. I felt nonexistent. I felt angry that I was completely excluded. I feel angry that gf didn’t have the foresight to leave me out of the reunion if they were just going to reminisce for 4 hours while I did my best to politely sit at the table and not look completely bored out of my mind. I am mad that gf didn’t recognize this and do something to help me out. Ask me how Im doing. Ask if I wanted to get out there.

The worst was that I asked beforehand if I should be included or not. I don’t know if my anger is justified or not.

Everyone leaves traces online. It makes it difficult to forget people.

P.S. I’m thirty now.

I’m in a strange mood.

No I’m not. Restlessness is so so so familiar.

I feel like I’m losing the ability to write honestly. To think honestly.

Claw loves me so much. She has fallen for me hard. And how do I feel?………..

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I changed my mind. I don’t agree with that last entry.

I really wish this was a better place to write… but it isn’t.

Too many in your face features. Most of the time I just want a simple place to write.

Xanga originally did this well. It offered people a way to write within an online community without having to create their own webpages, or deal with servers, or html code, etc. It eliminated the need to deal with all the techy aspects of sharing your own writing on the internet. This was, and still is a good concept.

But they screwed it up. And I don’t need to waste my time telling you how.

In my head Xanga is coming full circle. It’s so old that it’s becoming cool again.

I didn’t enjoy the phase where it was bloating itself with too many features. It got stuffed and over saturated with unwieldy controls and settings. It was like an old man trying to look young and hip by getting plastic surgery, a toupee, and some shades.

but now….

time has passed…
the odd user unfriendly controls are eccentric and kind of charming…
the obscurity of the site is appealing….

I may be back………

but under the surface of course.

I’m enjoying Camera Obscura’s new album.

Hi!

So your birthday and Father’s Day just passed and I still haven’t acknowledged them. Sorry!!

I have been doing well lately. I’ve been involved with some great research at my job. My company is in a race with another one to develop a biological drug for type one diabetes. We think we’re in the lead, but who knows? I’m not sure how much longer I’ll stay with this company, but I am happy, and will continue with them and taking classes

For fun lately I’ve been watching a lot of movies. I’ve been watching a lot of horror movies. Drag Me To Hell was great, I’m sure you probably saw that one. The Mist was another good one. Tonight after writing these cards, I’ll probably watch Death Race 2000 with David Carradine and Sly Stallone. 1975! Old!

I’ve been dating a girl named Claw for three months now.

2025 me here: Claw becomes my wife in 2014, and we are happily married. 

Moist panties.

Ointment.

Vomit. Slacks.

http://www.boingboing.net/2009/05/19/moist-and-other-word.html#comments

Xanga now depresses me every time I explore it.

My subscription panel on the left side of the page is a graveyard. I don’t even think I can change that panel anymore. It makes me feel like an old man. Kalligenia, reyrey12, wonderplum are still alive, everyone else hasn’t updated in ages. And GratefulImHere actually is dead.

Using Xanga feels like trudging through a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Abandoned pages, once loved, are everywhere. Writing my little protected posts feels like whispering in the darkness. Such a downer.

Procrastination

I have zero passion for immunology. This is a recurring thought.

I want a do-over. I want to go back and talk to 14 year old me. I think that’s the youngest I could go and have myself actually listen.

“Hey *****. Forget this science stuff. I know you’re pretty good at it right now, but it’s not the way to go. Scientists have to live and breathe this shit if they are going to be relevant. If you want to do science well, you can’t have a life. Maybe some can, but you can’t, you’re just not going to ever be that into it.

Let’s take another path. I don’t think striving to be a sports star would be any different. Maybe you could make it to the minor leagues in hockey if you work your ass off, but I doubt we would make the big show. Let’s try something else. We tried programming, that’s not our thing. You love wildlife. You love music.

Forget that though. Let’s make money with minimal effort. Go into business. Get a fucking MBA from a good school. This should be cake. You’re good at math and have good grades. You’ll feel guilty making a fortune off of the backs of the poor, but everyone does this in the first world anyway.

Sure you won’t be working on curing cancer and diabetes (which is where you are going to end up if you keep going this way), but you can have a fat bank account, and won’t be a second rate scientist for the rest of your life.

Oh, and loosen up. Open your eyes and stop being so fucking shy. You have a ton of people that like you in this high school. If you weren’t so goddamn scared of everyone and hiding all the time, you would get laid before you go to college. And when you get to college, go to the library every fucking day. Not just on the three days before every exam.

To recap, forget the science and programming. Make money. Loosen up.