Xanga now depresses me every time I explore it.

My subscription panel on the left side of the page is a graveyard. I don’t even think I can change that panel anymore. It makes me feel like an old man. Kalligenia, reyrey12, wonderplum are still alive, everyone else hasn’t updated in ages. And GratefulImHere actually is dead.

Using Xanga feels like trudging through a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Abandoned pages, once loved, are everywhere. Writing my little protected posts feels like whispering in the darkness. Such a downer.

Procrastination

I have zero passion for immunology. This is a recurring thought.

I want a do-over. I want to go back and talk to 14 year old me. I think that’s the youngest I could go and have myself actually listen.

“Hey *****. Forget this science stuff. I know you’re pretty good at it right now, but it’s not the way to go. Scientists have to live and breathe this shit if they are going to be relevant. If you want to do science well, you can’t have a life. Maybe some can, but you can’t, you’re just not going to ever be that into it.

Let’s take another path. I don’t think striving to be a sports star would be any different. Maybe you could make it to the minor leagues in hockey if you work your ass off, but I doubt we would make the big show. Let’s try something else. We tried programming, that’s not our thing. You love wildlife. You love music.

Forget that though. Let’s make money with minimal effort. Go into business. Get a fucking MBA from a good school. This should be cake. You’re good at math and have good grades. You’ll feel guilty making a fortune off of the backs of the poor, but everyone does this in the first world anyway.

Sure you won’t be working on curing cancer and diabetes (which is where you are going to end up if you keep going this way), but you can have a fat bank account, and won’t be a second rate scientist for the rest of your life.

Oh, and loosen up. Open your eyes and stop being so fucking shy. You have a ton of people that like you in this high school. If you weren’t so goddamn scared of everyone and hiding all the time, you would get laid before you go to college. And when you get to college, go to the library every fucking day. Not just on the three days before every exam.

To recap, forget the science and programming. Make money. Loosen up.

Look what I made.

I made the red one while watching the Oscars. I made the yellow one tonight while listening to music. They’re felt.

I’m still trying to figure out why I made them. I think I need to get laid. This is strange behavior.

I am so tired of being a student.

I am lucky to be one though.

I am intelligent but completely unfocused and scatterbrained.

So maybe I’m really an idiot.

just a random email i sent that wont make much sense. a little slice of my life.

Hi E****,
Good to hear things are going well with you. 🙂 A nice surprise on a day that was otherwise pretty shitty. I totally bombed in my lab presentation this morning with weak results. ahhhhhh this week dragged on forever. I was exhausted today because last night I had a hall of fame date. I took this girl to a poetry slam in the basement of the Cantab. That part was a ton of fun. But the best part was the end in the car when we were saying goodbye. I went to kiss her on the cheek, and she went for my lips, and it was total awkward collision and mortifying. There are certain moments of dating that are just so uncomfortable and ridiculous. Now I don’t even feel like seeing her again after that embarrassing disaster. I should be writing this poor girl to reassure her. I kind of dig her.

Well, anyway. Good luck moving in. With the right person, that can be wonderful. I hope he’s a a good dude. More good luck on the Biology of Cancer. That was a good class. I think on one of the tests I lost half a point on the Ames question. I was sooooo pissed off. How DARE they! I’m Mr. Motherfucking Ames. Ahhhh. Can you tell I’ve been drinking wine? Anyway, good night E****. I actually thought of you yesterday too. It was because I was looking at google maps and street view and thought, “E**** might have dated the guy who took this picture.” So maybe that sent a shock through the Universe culminating in me getting an email from you for the first time in a few months. Wonderful. 🙂
Goodnight again,
  *****

A beautiful song:

Attack In Black – Now That I’m Dying

… actually the whole album is great if your tired, alone, and unmotivated spacey. 

I have decided on my favorite albums of 2008 – not in any particular order. Just 13 albums that I absolutely love.

(1) Black Kids – Partie Traumatic
(2) Vampire Weekend – Vampire Weekend
(3) Hawksley Workman – Los Manlicious
(4) Tokyo Police Club – Elephant Shell
(5)  Fleet Foxes – Fleet Foxes
(6) Girl Talk – Feed The Animals
(7) Human Highway – Moody Motorcycle
(8) Lykke Li – Youth Novels
(9) Oasis – Dig Out Your Soul
(10) The Raconteurs – Consolers of the Lonely
(11) Sam Roberts – Love At The End Of The World
(12) Santogold – Santogold
(13) Stars – In Our Bedroom After The War

Five women from my online dating site chose to write me emails today. Completely out of the blue. Actual solicitous emails, and not crappy little e-winks, like I usually get.

In the past year, I’ve had this happen maybe six times. Now five in one day? Plus I was offered a job as a video game developer, even though I haven’t had my resume up on monster in over a year.

Seriously, what the hell?

Bill Simmons, an ESPN sportswriter, wrote an article about losing his dog that’s worth reading. 

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090122

Kyla surprise called me yesterday. She’s a girl I have written to a few times on match.com after her initial contact. I had already dismissed her in my head, but she called unexpectedly.

We talked about music, books, a little bit of movies. Bruce the Shark. Some fantasy books. Sci fi. Working for Christmas. Her cats. I was bored during the conversation. I’m bored writing about it.

In moments when I’m bored, I should just go for it. Explain what I’m looking for in a very raw way. Describe my situation honestly. Why can’t I vocalize this to another person in real time?