I am a motivationally challenged ball of stress. This caffeine high has to wear down a little before I can get any more thesis writing done. It seems like the second I am obligated to do something it loses all its appeal, even if it something I would probably enjoy. I’m at my place of employment right now. It’s about five months until graduation (if all goes well). That’s also about the same length of time I will need to hang on to this low paying (but really cushy) night job. As it gets closer to April my employee performance is going to degrade further and further. I’ve already decided I’m going to put on the headphones and listen to music a little later. Maybe a short sauna too. That will hit the spot at 3am. I wish we had an elliptical trainer in the exercise room. I would be all over that.

Some resolution. I posted this first email from Pa already, what I didn’t do was show that it was in all caps.

HEY,

HOW ABOUT JUST COMING FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS,  I WOULD BE WILLING TO PAY FOR TICKETS. FROM TORONTO TO T BAY ON THE 24TH AND BACK ON THE 26TH IS ONLY ABOUT $300.00 . LET ME KNOW RIGHT AWAY AND I CAN BOOK THE TICKETS FOR YOU, IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO YOUR MOTHER AS SHE HASN’T SEEN YOU FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS.

LOVE YOUR FATHER

Subject: ALL CAPS IS YELLING

I really wish I could come, unfortunately for a multitude of reasons I really am stuck here. This is the last year though. If I don’t manage to make it back for February, I will this summer FOR SURE! I feel really bad and guilty. Love, J

I wasn’t yelling,

I work with a system at work that only works with upper case letters. I’ts too bad you can’t come but we will be thinking a lot about you. Your Mama will be sad but don’t feel too guilty you have to do what you must do and we’ll get on that list so at least they’ll get there in time.

LOVE YOUR FATHER!!!!!

Buy Nothing Day is over. Some news stories that came out of the U.S. showed huge lines outside of stores at some godawful hour in the morning. Then when the store let everyone in all the people ran inside like the gates to heaven themselves were swinging open. A very repulsive sight. All those people so eager to prostrate themselves in front of their retail masters. Ram that big corporate cock right into our fat consumer asses. Let the Christmas orgy begin.

My suspicions were confirmed on the Culture Jammer’s Network webring. It looks like maybe four people in the whole ring knew what was going on today. The other thirty or so just think culture jammer sounds cool (Adbusters magazine coined the phrase culture jammer and is the driving force behind Buy Nothing Day). They should give me control of the ring. I would purge the hypocratic brats.

*climbing down from my soapbox*

Allright. I’m done. “It is pleasing” that at least a few people read my dream/story. I haven’t mastered the subtle art of the paragraph yet and as a result it looks like one big intimidating blob of text. My project progress report really is overdue (maybe if I actually had some progress to write about it would be done). Also, my project supervisor is probably Swedish and not Islandic. Her name is Aija, pronounced Eye-ah. Pretty.

Added four more tracks to my player. J-Rock, J-Pop, and a mellow indie track from Lindy. The Chobits song may be the catchiest thing I have ever heard… baby, baby. I really like that Asian Kung-Fu Generation cut too. I wish I could get my hands on more J-Rock but it seems to be hard to come by.

2025 me here: The links in this post are broken. They were probably some images lifted from Adbusters. So much earnest idealism back then. 

Buy Nothing Day!

Look Honey, I bought something today!

Work Eat Buy Die

Just got up, my dream is still swirling. I have shimmering blue hair, a long glossy black coat overtop stylishly cut silver clothes. The city is layered with a heavy white layer of thick snow. Wide clustered snowflakes are detaching from the ground and drifting up towards the chilly grey sky. I stride towards the commercial district, jittery and nervous. I am to meet my project supervisor at a giant box store. Kata is a tall, slender Icelandic woman with bright blonde hair and a dark charismatic personality. In the store, cutting my eyes side to side, I take note of the obscenely overweight customers and their downcast eyes as they shuffle slowly and monotonously down the store aisles. They all are dressed in dull monochromatic sweatsuits, stretched tight over their adipose swollen flesh. In their arms, they all carry the same bland brown cube, forming long lines at each checkout lane. I am finding it hard to think. Suddenly I notice the subtle throbbing music. It is primal and invasive. Panic rising, I start to run, frantically looking for Kata. With relief I spot her working as a cashier. She gives me a wicked smile as I aggressively push my way through the sea of flesh. There are some mumbled protests that instantly die as I direct a fierce look their way. “Hello James, do you have my progress report?” Kata asks sarcastically. I tell her what she already knows, I haven’t even started and would like to see her bible of culture jamming for some ideas. Beside me, a consumer places her box on the counter and spreads out her hand palm up beside it. Kata presses a heavy metal phallic device onto the hand and the customer convulses and heaves, breathing heavy and ragged. Kata bags the brown box and I catch her slipping a red pill into the bag with a lightning quick movement. She checks my eyes to see if I caught it. The heavy woman moves past me with her bag and a sublime look on her face. Impressed with my perception, Kata gives me her book. I take it next to the exit to calm myself with the knowledge that I could quickly bolt out of the store. I can’t process the book, it is all sexually laced technobabble and scribbled disconnected thoughts. I sigh and resign myself to failing. I feel something cool pressing on the back of my neck.
My vision goes blue, unimaginable pleasure explodes in my brain. Every nerve in my body is roaring in incredible rapture. I open my eyes to find I am on my knees and breathing rapidly. I look up to see Kata with a wry grin on her face and the metal purchase device in one of her hands. “I thought that thing was just for the consumers” I pant. “Yeah but it looks like you needed it” she shoots back. I awoke and my bed was filled with silicon.

The more you consume, the less you live

It’s buy nothing day tomorrow. I am going to go pick up a few groceries a little later so I am not eating rice all day tomorrow. With a little foresight it is so easy to take part. The corporations don’t have the power, we do.

Sleepy. I’ve been very hesitant to face reality today. Skipped class (Networking, where we get nifty diagrams like this one below to illustrate what translation is. Not often do I laugh out loud in lecture but this diagram did it for me.).

Cat’s pajamas? Grandma is the coolest. So much work I am shirking right now. I watched some TV tonight. I don’t think it’s a coincidence I feel more braindead than I have for a long time. If you take a break from it and go back the stupefying effect is really noticeable. It is the basketball that sucks me in. I watched some Futurama after the game.

“Bender, you didn’t touch the crushinator did you?”
“Of course not! A lady that fine you have to romance first”

After that I flipped the channel just in time to see the end of a Southpark where a Kenny lookalike slid out of Mrs. Crabtree’s birth canal, down some stairs, coming to a stop in a pool of cartoonish birthing juices, all in front of a live television audience.

“I feel great. I haven’t had this much attention paid to my cooch since I was sixteen”

That was it for me. The TV went off after that. It was the kind of sick humour I appreciate but I am not having it right now (I laughed at the bonus kid that slid out just before the credits though. Maybe you had to see it, the bodies were all deformed, smushed and slimy. So brilliantly offensive.).

“I told you I was a tight virgin flower!”

Ahh no… I just received an e-mail back from my parents that was very painful to read. I have to say no. I know my mom really misses me. On the rare occasions she gets me on the phone, she never wants to let go and there is clear and obvious disappointment when I end the conversation. Major, major guilt, this feels absolutely terrible…

Hey,
How about just coming for a couple of days, I would be willing to pay for tickets. From Toronto to T Bay on the 24th and back on the 26th is only about $300.00. Let me know right away and I can book the tickets for you, it would mean a lot to your mother as she hasn’t seen you for almost two years, Love your father.

Hello. Sadly it looks like I am not coming back to T Bay for Christmas this year. I have fallen behind on my major Thesis/project and have to use the facilities here to work on it over the break. It is too bad, I was looking forward to going back and even ****** will be there this year.

If you need some ideas for me. Books, DVD, Clothes are always good. (I have a DVD player but not a single DVD yet.)  I am always listening to music and my headphones are getting pretty ragged. I like the big comfortable earmuff style best. A scanner would be good too, my old one broke a while ago. Maybe winter-like shoes. I am ideally a 9.5 but wear size 10s. I don’t know. I don’t expect much. I am managing all right. Try not to do any shopping on Friday, it is Buy Nothing Day.  I would be thrilled with anything below if you want specifics.

Book ideas: Life of pi – Yann Martel , The Contortionist’s Handbook – Craig Clevenger, Syrup – Maxx Barry, House of Leaves – Mark Z. Danielewski, Ishmael: An Adventure of the Mind and Spirit – Daniel Quinn.

Movie Ideas: Ringu, Seven, Fight Club, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind, High Fidelity, Rushmore, Pulp Fiction, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Hero, Spirited Away, Akira, Garden State, Princess Mononoke, or pretty much any old horror movie would be good. Love, ******

Ahhh I’m a new man.  Thinking clearly, upbeat, re-energized. It was a wise decision to take the rest of the day off after my exam (it went ok). I slept, exercised… (various muscles), listened to some interesting new music. had a chocolate milk that I remembered to put in the fridge. It was cool and yummy. All in all, just a good destressifying evening. I was wishing badly for a massage though. I always forget to opt of the university health plan and save some badly needed funds. However, it covers 90% of the cost of medical therapeutic massage, I am very tempted to try and wrangle a prescription out of some sympathetic MD. I wouldn’t care the sex of my masseuse. Actually, I think I could probably even swing the other way if my man gave me a really good massage everyday. I pine for the day when I can afford them on a daily basis.

My father called tonight. He always starts off every call to me in an exaggerated deep voice, “J_____, this is your father.” I think he is trying to impersonate Darth Vader but doesn’t quite have the quote right (which is typical). Another favorite of his (especially around this time of year) is the sinister “Ho ho hooooo” in the evil robot santa voice from Futurama. It’s actually fairly funny, most of the family doesn’t get it though and it wears thin pretty quick. Anyway, they are demanding my Xmas wish list. They started pestering me about it in early November and I have been brushing them off for as long as possible. They always go overboard on Xmas. I thought they would slow with the amount of gifts once I hit 19 or 20 but it seems they have just kicked it into overdrive. They aren’t affluent by any stretch. My dad is a crew leader at the local paper mill and my mom is a low paid social worker who doesn’t do it for the money. Still they seem to latch on to Christmas as an opportunity to really bombard their two children with consumer goods. I wonder if they figured out that I ripped up my birthday cheque? Anyone who has been reading me for a while would probably correctly guess that this isn’t my favorite holiday. I really feel like I don’t need anything but I have to come up with a list of things that they can buy for me. There is a tiny fuzzy green creature in my brain who is whispering “ask for a laptopppp… ask for a laa” *Squish* I brought the godzilla foot of my mind’s eye down on it violently hard. Even though I know my parents can’t afford to buy me one, they would do it if I asked. My sister and I are superstars in their eyes and they would do anything they could for us. They may feel blessed to have two children that have risen well above the expectations for kids from my hometown but I hope they realize it is just a reflection of the excellent way they brought us up. I think growing up we all really appreciated the family dynamic we had, I’m certainly not going to be able to blame future failures on my childhood.

Ok, so any aid would be appreciated, I have to get this wish list e-mail off to them tomorrow. Maybe a list of excellent books you have read lately? Anything a cool counter-culture kid like me would enjoy? I don’t know… I have had a DVD player for almost a year now and I still don’t have a single DVD. I am going to ask for a can-opener (that will be promptly shipped to Korea). Maybe a pair of hockey skates (this would absolutely delight my dad. I broke his heart when I quit hockey in high school). I don’t know.. bah humbug.

At work. 12 hours until an exam. Just drank a chocolate milk that had been sitting in my bag for seven hours. It was warm and bacterial. So braindead.

Algorithm hell
Poison chocolate death knell
Bad haiku I yell

Burn out city. I feel like sleeping forever. Here are some Mango photos. Two as an adult and two as a kitten. He wasn’t as fat as he looks as an adult, he just grew to be a very large, very furry cat. I am glad I wasn’t the one who found him in the street.

2025 me: Unfortunately I don’t think I have any Mango pics anymore. These are broken links.

Big Mango 1
Big Mango 2
Little Mango 1
Little Mango 2

I read a story in the National Post (the main Canadian national newspaper) about a state prison in Indiana that allows criminals to adopt cats as a reward for good behaviour. It was a very interesting read and I tend to think it’s a good thing. It would probably foster empathy for other living creatures in the lonely prisoners. Two quotes rom the article I liked were “These guys are hard-core criminals. And when a cat comes up and rubs against them, you see the baby in them. They lose the hard shell and everybody’s a whole person again.” and “One burly prisoner nicknamed Bull cried the day he was transferred out of Indiana state prison. He could not take his cat of 15 years, Catrick, to the new facility.”

I am definitely a cat person. I have gotten really confrontational in the past when being cracked on because of this.. it was by my pizza boy connection if anyone read that post. He was implying I was feminine because I prefer cats.

Anyway, I really miss my cat, Mango. He was a beautiful orange medium to long haired cat with a big bushy white beard with extra large white paws. Since I knew getting a cat was a major commitment, picking him out was a time consuming, week long process of visiting pet stores all over the city and playing with and touching kittens. I wanted him because he was so enthusiastic at the pet store and gorgeous. I was cohabiting at the time and Mango had a clear preference for me over my girlfriend. I think it is because she was a little too rough with him and pursued him too much. Mango would let me rub his belly but would scratch and bite her if she tried. I think he appreciated my more laid back approach and gentle touch.

We had a little ritual at night, after I would shower and lie down he would come and hop onto my chest and knead it with his paws, purring loudly as I pet him (until the gf would get jealous and push him away). I’ve noticed cats in households with kids tend to withdraw and become introverted, probably because the kids provide much more attention than a cat wants. Mango maintained a very outgoing, excitable personality well into adulthood…… and then he was run over on a narrow street where everyone speeds. Now as a memorial to Mango, driving down this street I will go EXACTLY the speed limit when I am on it. Traffic backs up and I know everyone gets major road rage (it’s one lane) but I don’t care. It is a residential neighbourhood and Mango would approve.

2025 me here: I think there was probably a picture of Mango and me here. He was a great cat.

Wokeup at 1:30pm today, the normal time for a Saturday since I work Friday nights. I actually should sleep longer but I seem to be incapable of it on the weekends. Sooner or later my body will just shut down and sleep for 10-12 hours, morning classes be damned. I was in a really weird mood last night. I kept stepping out of the moment in a daze to ponder… anything. A little bit of what I was thinking of cameout in my post yesterday. I also thought about my dysfunctional relationship, the chaos my academic life is in, an arrogant asshole I have to deal with sometimes, Xangans, the ticking of the clock behind me, the cool feel of the ugly maroon leather on my uncomfortable chair. Then I would think “this is so surreal, everything is so hazy right now. I am not going to remember anything from tonight later” The thing is I remember it vividly. It is when I am in the moment that time flies by and memories formed are blurred. I can see myself so clearly sitting alone at 5am in that dark conference room underneath a powerless chandelier with my cold water bottle in my lap looking out the back doors into the soft rain falling on the courtyard, just gazing out and savouring the moment and my bittersweet thoughts.

I had trouble choosing music this morning. This odd mood lingers. It took me a while before I could find something I could stand. I settled on the new Stars album. It is a decent fit.

I have to expunge a little bit of darkness tonight. It is welling up inside. I can feel it flowing through my soft tissues. It is metallic and sickly sweet.

We’re headed for a crash. Global catastrophe. Why can’t any of you see it? Why is there so much individual intelligence but collectively we behave like lemmings? Maybe it’s because you are all wrapped up in your own little lives selfishly trying to grab an extra large piece of the pie. You can’t be bothered to think outside your own little personal monkeysphere and notice the flames. Your brain isn’t capable of caring for the hundreds of millions of people that starve to death every year. You either can’t see the long term consequences of your piggish actions or you just don’t care you selfish fuck.

After the crash I’m going to head north. The soil on the Canadian shield isn’t great but it’s home. Potatoes grow fairly well there. Hunting and fishing is excellent. My father and I have enough woodcraft to get by. Things are going to get ugly in the city when the food starts to run out. After the initial few years of chaos things will get better. Maybe then people will remember that the economy is a creation of ours, it works for us, not the other way around. That void you feel can’t be filled at the shopping mall.

I was unsuccessful in my goal… the darkness is still there. All I did was get righteous and vent. I would have done it more eloquently if I wasn’t dog tired.

Have you ever come home and seen six messages on your answering machine… and then you start listening to them and realize they’re all from the same person… and as you go through them, they get nastier and scarier in tone? I didn’t think this kind of thing happened in real life, let alone mine. If she ever comes over again I am hiding my steak knife.

I’m tired and going to bed. Here are some dancing bananas…. some of them on the end are being naughty. Their favorite tracks on my drop down menu are “Hanayo – Joe Le Taxi” and “!!! – Me and Guiliani Down by the Schoolyard.

2025 me here: I just spent thirty minutes at the dancing banana archive to restore these things.