I’ve been slowly re-reading and bringing old blog entries out of private status and making them public. Just got through May 2005. Each post needs re-formatting from the old Xanga archive format. The tedium from formatting isn’t what slows me down though. It’s that I can only do so much at a time before the nostalgia and old memories become overwhelming. The new music I’m listening to isn’t helping either (MJ Lenderman – Manning Fireworks, number 4 on the Pitchfork best albums of 2024). It’s rough melodic indie alt-rock that would have been right at home in the wonderful music scene of 2005. This album definitely would have been part of my student life soundtrack had it come out then.

My wistful heart aches with pride when I’m reminded of how that kid surfed so much chaos and persevered. So much self-doubt and fear, so broke and uncertain. Yet I somehow pushed through everything with a sparkling superhuman effort and naive energy that we’re only capable of generating in our twenties. I love that I lived that life, and that it is documented here. I stand on your shoulders kid. You laid the foundation for a future I didn’t think possible. A scientist retired at 45 years old, in my pajamas at 11am on a Friday, reading and listening to music. Using my time and freedom to unapologetically retreat from the world as it burns.

It’s been a month since Trump was sworn in. I want to ignore the swirling shit tornado of news and social media posts that are generated in his wake, but it is too pervasive. The hurt people are hurting people. No one else enjoys this destruction and cruelty. Congratulations assholes, you win. Everyone’s miserable now.

I’ve spent a good part of the last three weeks in a cannabis fog, breaking my abstinence streak spectacularly. Played an ass-load of Elden ring. Finished the main game, leisurely playing through the DLC now. Canada house purchase is moving forward, there’s so much to do on the USA house before its sale ready, and I’ve done virtually nothing on that front. Been eating like shit. I ate a whole box of choco-puffs or whatever the shit they’re called. There was 12 of them and I ate all of them between 10pm last night and 10am this morning. I gobbled them all and played Attack From Mars pinball until my THC-Methocarbamol chocolate brain started drooping. It’s miraculous that I am not a giant fat ass with this glamourous lifestyle.

I wanted a little more new music, so I checked the pitchfork list of best 2024 albums this morning. Number 1 was Diamond Jubilee by Cindy Lee. It reminds me of Camera Obscura, Broken Social Scene, Lo-Fi girl and B-movies from the sixties. It’s an appropriately slothful vibe.

Positive LoFi Radio.

Aspiring to a sauna and workout.

The childhood fantasies of what I would look like as an adult have been fulfilled.

Happy marriage, no kids, still passionate about video games, movies, music and books. Retired at a young age. An overeducated middle-aged brat with freedom.

In a world of pain, I’m a lucky one. I wish it didn’t feel like I squander so much of this precious time.

I’ve been playing Elden Ring on PS5. This isn’t my favourite genre of video game, but I’m playing it since it was free-ninety-nine courtesy of my sister-in-law’s excellent Xmas present. It’s undeniably a quality game, a little more story telling would have been welcome though. It’s a pretty great time regardless. I just gained a new spell that apparently conjures the moon and launches it at a target. Very excited to try it later. I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH MY MAGIC MOON!!!!!!!!

On the other hand, I paid forty bucks for Dragon Age: Veilguard a couple weeks ago. It’s a sequel to a video game I absolutely loved, Dragon Age: Inquisition. Unfortunately, Veilguard is an incredibly disappointing experience. Bioware has really ruined some great games lately. The character designs have been uncanny valley lumpy and the dialogue and writing is bland and monotonous.

It seems this game was ground zero for the culture war too. On the character creation tool, they allowed a slider to make crotch bulges big, and an option of adding surgery scars (from removing breasts) on your character. A nice inclusive move, more representation in video games is great. The weird thing is that they also completely shrunk the chest and ass sliders for women. It’s restrictive in a way that even a slightly curvy woman wouldn’t be able to recreate her likeness in the game. I understand they must have done it to try and avoid perpetuating stereotypes and creating harmful beauty standards. Doesn’t it feel weirdly punitive though? It’s a mature rated game where there are romance relationships, yet the game refuses to allow creating traditionally attractive female characters? Sexuality for me, but not thee. How about we just let everyone have fun? I wish video games weren’t ground zero for this bullshit, but I can see why the gamer-bro’s were frustrated by this.

Ehh whatever. I wish I could get my money back on that game. It’s the writing that’s the real problem, not the weird character creation tool restrictions. Dragon Age Inquisition was so much fun, I’m so disappointed they screwed this up so bad.

Hysteria by Def Leppard is pretty great.

My weight has crept up into the 170-180 pound range. Not bad, but that’s a bit heavy at 5’10. I feel better in the 160-170 range. I know that at 44 years old I’m healthy. Just want to get a bit more fit and control garbage eating.

Last night after my wife went to bed, I stayed up playing Elden Ring. After a particularly frustrating death, I got up and grabbed a handful of candy leftover from Halloween and binged probably 18 of those little single serving sour gummies and Swedish fish bags. Full blown Brendan Frasier whale behaviour. I don’t think I’ll ever grow out of this. Sometimes I’m a human racoon.

I’m pretty sure society is in decline.

I’m planning a 2025 mid-year move to Canada. The house has been bought, working on the sponsorship documents for my wife. We’re making it happen. The home is a 40 acre wooded property, just inside the city limits of my hometown. It’s on a large hill or small granite mountain. There are no sight lines to any neighbours, only forest and mountain views. The well has incredible pressure from what may be a pristine source. Microplastic free.

Is my capacity to feel joy reduced? Is it because of the accumulated wounds of life? Or is it more that I’m affected by society boiling? I think Russia has won the cold war. They did it with social media propaganda and lit the fires that are crumbling the nation from within. So many people have seemingly lost the ability to tell truth from lie. Malibu is dried out and burning. Anger and discontent. Trusted institutions are being compromised or destroyed. Wealth is so concentrated in the hands of a few.

Can I turn this noise off? Reduce my exposure? Hide in my forest house and wait for robots to solve all the problems.

I hope so… because I’m going to try.