I was supposed to play softball tonight but it was canceled due to rain. The field’s all soggy. Like my gum.

Apparently ****** has been running rampant searching out every comment I’ve ever left. She’s upset as she should be. I hesitate to write anything anymore since guilt and paranoia fight with my desire to express myself. Do I just continue to pour myself out here until my little private bubble is popped one more time? She promised she wouldn’t read it again. I’ll probably stay until no one is paying any attention anymore. And then maybe after that.

I don’t know if I’ll comment on any entries that aren’t protected anymore. I don’t know if I’ll do even that.

I’m confused and unhappy.

There was a story on the public radio show, This American Life, about a confused girl. She lusted after an engaged man and was unhappy. She decided to write about her life as a short story for her creative writing class. All her classmates would read the story and then during the in-class discussion she would gain valuable insight on her situation. Her instructor and peers questioned the protagonists motivations, her short sightedness and pointed out how self-absorbed she appeared to be.

 

****** broke into my Xanga account and read everything again.

*sigh*

About to eat a burrito. I forgot to take it out of my backpack so its probably infested with an assortment of microorganisms. Hopefully the microwave killed most of them. I can handle the idea of ingesting their heat ruptured carcasses but I don’t want to eat squiggling nasties. It’s not tasting good at all. I’ve ruined it for myself.

NPR has a show called, “This American Life” that I’m completely addicted to and in love with. It’s all streamed through their website. The show is comprised of stories/mini documentaries. The CBC3 radio podcast is awesome too. I hate TV.

I want to start a public blog again. One that friends, family, coworkers and even girlfriend could read. I could tell people about it and then not feel so guilty about falling out of touch with them. But I can’t imagine writing anything that I would want all of those people to simultaneously know. I like having different types of relationships with different people. Maybe I shouldn’t be that way. But I am.

My boss/study director made me feel like I was “rotting” in my job.

I’m 26 and only have a Bachelors.

“What’s an undergraduate? Nothing. Right?”

I nodded unhappily.

It’s as if people with a higher degree are living richer lives. More money. More esteem. More happiness.

I’m not starving. My paltry lab tech salary puts me into the upper echelon of elitism on this planet. Entitling me to an unfairly large piece of planet earth pie. While the truly poor get crumbs.

So I’m supposed to feel miserable if I’m not on the track to more money more work more responsibility. If I have free time and time free of worry, I’m rotting? Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I’ll live my life however I want. If I want to spend seven years in undergraduate because I don’t know what form my corporate servitude is going to take yet then so be it. Sorry I didn’t have that all figured out at age 22. My mind dwells elsewhere. My mind is happy without you poking poison into it. Old man.

It’s only when we stop being afraid that we start to live. Maybe Heidi killed herself because she was afraid of what other people would think. Right now I feel no fear because I know everything is impermanent. Maybe holding this feeling is enlightenment.

Hello, *****.  (I’m assuming that’s the name you go by)  I’m sorry to say that what you’ve heard about Heidi is true.  She passed back earlier this year, in early January. I didn’t know that there was still anyone who didn’t know.  I had to be told myself, by Heidi’s friend Hernando. I live in Georgia.  I don’t know how well you knew her…but Heidi was the best friend I ever had.  I’m still greatly mourning her death.  If you would like to know more, feel free to write back.  There’s a website called the Tastytronic Diner that is frequented by a lot of people who knew and loved Heidi. The URL is http://bbs.tastytronic.net/ and the thread you want to look at is “Purist Cinnamongirl Jolly Ranchers.”  There are tons of posts on there about her, written by her friends and family. Once again, I’m sorry to have to give you this news. Take care, Adam

---

Thank you, Adam. I’m not quite sure where you’re replying from, Xanga or someone else but I really appreciate it.

I never met her but wish I did (I thought it would happen eventually). It was through our Xanga pages that we met when she had her cinnamongirl78 blog. At that time I believe she was living with Hernando,  her boyfriend/fiance. Reading her writing, I was a little awed at how hard she seemed to love him. Then that broke down, there was a canceled wedding I believe. She started a new Xanga blog, GratefulImhere which I continued to read and comment on as regularly as I could. We chatted on AOL a handful of times. She always left me the most expressive, encouraging comments about my own relationship difficulties and struggles. I went back to read old entries of mine and her responses and have felt so sad. She was such a beautiful person. I was reading when she met Vadim and again she seemed to fall so hard for him. She seemed to be so happy. I think that maybe that she just felt too much.

So I know her well enough to feel pretty torn up and shocked right now. I wasn’t writing or reading her stuff much at the end of 2005 due to a move and new situation but I received this email from her:

Wow–all of that fun, and I’m not there to be part of it?  Damn.
 
I know this is a time of major transition and change for you.  If anyone can handle it–knowing what I do of you from your Xanga, your intelligence, our communication, and the crucial double-Scorpio placement in your chart–you are stronger than the average person by far. You can make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, here.  To use one of my dad’s expressions.
 
Anytime you need to talk, you know where to find me. I’d offer you a massage as well, and I give great ones, but that’s difficult over the computer.  Stay strong, *****, and keep me posted on your progress.
 
Me

I don’t know what I sent back in response but I can see I did respond to it. Thank god for that. I started reading the thread you gave me (thank you!) and will work through it gradually. I can’t handle too much of it at once. If you have any other information you could share with me, I would like to hear it. (the one question swirling in my head is…, Why?)
Sincerely, ***** (the_ancient_undergrad)

---

Hey, *****. Glad my email found its way to you. It wasn’t too long ago that I found out about her death and was trying to get information from various sources myself.

We met in sort of the same way you and she did. Though, we met on a Natalie Merchant bulletin board. I sent her a play I had written, and we became instant friends. I have literally hundreds of emails from her…that I’m glad I kept. We ended up talking on the phone regularly and for long conversations. Sent each other gifts back and forth. Then I visited her in Chicago twice last year. Got to meet Hernando and her sister and friends.

Heidi was a beautiful person, as I’m sure you know, *****. She was so absolutely wonderful in so many ways. But she was also a very troubled individual. Books could be written about her messed up family situation, which centered on abandonment, drug and alcohol abuse, and child neglect. It was amazing that she was able to function at all.

One of the ways she did cope, though, was through drinking. She was very much an alcoholic. I realized this the first year I knew her, and then she finally realized it. She realized it around the first time she thought about killing herself. But shortly after, she got into AA and started counseling and got on medication. Another problem that she had was that she was bipolar. Or manic/depressive. She’d be absolutely fine one day and then the next it’d be like the end of the world. Then the next, she’d be okay again. You add all of those things and it makes for a potentially explosive situation.

It was because of this that her and my friendship suffered. You see *****, when she died, I hadn’t talked to her in about six months. We had been very best friends, I loved her like nothing else…but I was unable to take some of the issues that came up. I won’t get into them; all I’ll say is that we had a fight, and she said some truly hurtful things to me. So, I told her that I couldn’t be friends with her until things were different. Our communication ceased. I hoped that time would heal the trouble between us. One day I realized how foolish and petty our conflicts were; that I still loved her and really needed her in my life. I was going to write her and tell her this. A few days later, though, I got the email from Hernando about her death. Needless to say, regret and guilt has been a big part of my mourning.

I don’t know if you’ve found from what you’ve read about how she died. She killed herself. She shot herself with her dad’s gun. Why? We all have our hypotheses. Everyone who knew her. I like to think that I, personally, have insight that not many others have. Because I understood her alcohol addiction more than most. So many people she knew downplayed the affect alcoholism had on her life. But I come from a family of alcoholics; I’ve seen what it can do to people. And I believe that it was the main cause of her death. I think she had her mental problems that pushed her. But I don’t think she’d ever get to the point where she could kill herself unless she was drunk. Vadim confirmed my assumption that she had been drinking when he told me that she had alcohol in her system when she was found. I honestly believe that she fell into a bad place, and drank because of that. Knowing Heidi, she probably became very ashamed of this. Because she had gone so long without drinking, had done so well at keeping her life in order. No doubt she got into that drunken state and convinced herself that she was no good, that she had let everyone down, and that it would be better for everyone else if she removed herself from their lives. She wouldn’t be able to convince herself this when she was sober, I don’t believe. But when she drank…her negative emotions got the best of her.

And that’s really all I know about it. Most of it is speculation, but, notwithstanding the shitty friend I was to her towards the end, I really feel I knew aspects about her better than anyone. She often told me that she shared things with me she never shared with anyone else. Not her family, fiance, or best friends. I really wish I would have been there with her at the end…but, honestly, I don’t think anyone could have stopped her from doing what she did. She would have just shut me out like she did everyone else.

I hope that none of what I said has negatively influenced your attitude towards her. That’s why I’m wary of discussing the details of things…because I want people to remember the wonderful person she was. Not remember her for her flaws. Because although I knew about her flaws all too well, what I remember when I think about her is the great person she really was.

I hope you got to see some of this too.

Take care, *****. And feel free to write back if you want to talk about her further.

Adam

A friend and beautiful person inside and out has died. I never knew. She passed back in January. I don’t know the circumstances yet. If anyone knows, please share with me. She left such wonderful comments and made an extra effort to stay in touch with emails full of empathy and hope. I really liked and felt connected to her and am deeply saddened. Her xanga still stands. Her former name was cinnamongirl78. I archived all of her posts and pictures for myself.

Hi , Yes, I’m afraid it’s true. Heidi committed suicide on January 10th. She was dealing with some personal issues and nobody knows exactly why she did it, but it appears that she had been depressed for quite some time before that. It was a huge shock to all of us who knew her, as it happened very suddenly and without warning. I’m very sorry to confirm this…

–Vadim

When you’re worried about losing your job I think most people hope that their coworkers will rally around them. Something along the lines of, an angry mob heading to the boss and demanding that you stay on board. If not, they all walk out in a defiant exodus on your behalf.

I was consoling myself with this unrealistic fantasy anyway.

On Wednesday morning I was early for work. I headed for the in vitro department, the building still empty and quiet. A**** was early too, quietly drinking her tea in our little two person office. The night before I had told her I was worried about being fired. I sat down, she closed the door and asked, “How exactly did it happen?”. I explained the incident, talked about the possibility of going back to Canada and how I felt about it.

A****: “If they fire you, I’ll start looking for a new job.”
Me: “Really?” (in a surprised feeble voice)
A****: “Yes. I wouldn’t be able to quit right away because () is still looking for a job but it would be the last straw.”
Me: “…”**lengthy pause** “Well, it’s good to know that it would bother you if I was gone.”
A****: “Oh yeah. It would be the worst thing that could happen.”
Me: 

Later in the day my boss met with the CEO and all the other study directors where my incident was discussed.

After that I was filled in.

My boss got right to the point and said that I would ok, I’m getting a warning to appease upper management. It means nothing to him and it shouldn’t to me either. According to him, he emphasized my good intentions and positives, then shifted blame and the focus away from me.

I get the feeling that it was close though. Feeling relieved, I enjoyed the mafia-like turn his lecture took.

I first tried to cover you by saying you had an accident or that it slipped your mind that the oven was set higher. But then you took responsibility on to yourself by admitting that you knew the oven was higher. Negligence is worse than an accident. Microbiology is making a big deal out of it, saying they can’t do their tests now. It’s an excuse. We make a lot more money than them and there’s jealousy there. For them, you’re an easy way out, someone to blame. You should have come to me first and not (the maintaince guy). We could have come up with a better excuse. I’ll protect you.  But you have to protect me. Support me as the head of this department. When something goes wrong we need to keep it in our lab. You, A****, Trish, genetox, we’re like family.

It was like Christopher getting a lecture from Tony Soprano after some stupid move. I feel dirty, but also kind of thrilled, to know our little department is a tight unit of co-conspirators ready to circle the wagons at a moments notice. Since the incident I’ve been feeling the love from the other techs. It’s really does feel good to know you’d be missed if you were gone.

If I could rank every day of my life in terms of “badness”, today would be in the top 100. The absolute pinnacle would be the day Mango got run over. Also near the top, the day I yelled at dad, “Fuck off”. Grandma getting cancer. Best friend moving away. Ah. there’s plenty more. What a depressing exercise.

Anyway. Today’s probably up at about 72nd most bad. It’s kind of a follow up to Friday where I broke a special oven at work that’s going to cost $4000 to repair. (I melted a plastic bin into molten goo and then it leaked into the drain, cooled, hardened and ruined everything). Also, it hasn’t been all too long since I spilled crystal violet all over the lab floor, ruining it. Today the CEO (who’s a notorious tightwad caring more about money than people) found out about the oven and had a meeting with my boss, presumably over whether to fire me or not. Adding a cherry of doom to my sundae of displeasure, today, I screwed up two $12000 tests so I’m sure my study director wasn’t in the mood to defend me to the big cheap cheese.

This sucks. I used to be the golden boy there. I worked hard, got a lot done quickly and correctly and am usually cheery and fun to be around. That was the whole reason I was being trusted with these big money tests in the first place. Now I might be canned. Like a sardine. Except less delicious and more demoralizing.

I wish the rest of this album was better because this song is such a timeless jewel.

I wrote a couple of private entries unsuccessfully trying to explain away the restlessness I feel here in Boston.

I read some entries from a year ago and marveled at the optimism and lightheartedness that seeped through. As a full time student with a four-night-a-week job, I was working twice as hard but also having twice as much fun. I reveled in living alone at my apartment. I loved having my girlfriend 1000 miles away. I liked sleeping weird ass hours and sleepwalking through campus disheveled, twitchy and secretly happy. Now with a girlfriend zero miles away I feel shackled into an ill-fitting life. I will NOT marry her. Things are going to crack eventually. They have to. She’s tired of waiting. I don’t want to cave in. I’m not going to ask.

The timely entry of A**** into my life is an exquisite twist of tantalization. A woman seemingly dropped into my lap to cause chaos and turmoil in my heart. Intelligence without condescension. Soft and sympathetic voice. Sensitive and thoughtful. Well read and spiritual. An almost unnatural interest in anything I say. Environmentally aware and musically inclined. Large innocent blue eyes and beautiful natural red hair. Mmmm.

I’ve never met her husband. He barely survived birth due to genetic defects. He has all kinds of problems because of his bad genes. I’ll bet that’s why they haven’t had children. I feel evil for even being infatuated with her. But even though I’m not married I’ve been with Merle longer. And I can sense she has the same feelings about me…

I spent earth day at the zoo. It was a special day because Jane Goodall gave a speech. A concise and inspiring one on how our planet continues to inch towards the ecological tipping point while we wallow in apathy and unsustainable lifestyles. (It wasn’t as, “in-your-face” as I just put it though.) She was pleasant and warm, straightforward yet nuanced and incredibly persuasive. I feel lucky to have seen and heard her.

Yesterday I spent so much money on groceries. Man. Organic food is expensive.