I named my mini ipod Luna because she is a beautiful and elegant moon silver. I love Luna. We’re best friends forever. Those white ear bud headphones that came with Luna that you see on all those stupid dancing ipod commercials are super shitty quality. I replaced them with a pair of really nice Koss ear muff headphones that block out outside noise and have a lifetime warranty (I got them for Christmas too). They work really well, I’m going to be run over any day now.

I’ve had less than three hours sleep for the last three or four days and just took a sleeping pill. I wonder if I’ll see any daylight tomorrow. Goodnight.

I’m at work and I’ve been silently contemplating my Xanga habits for the last few minutes. Trying to decide if I should pull back a little, post a little less often. I get the impression quality suffers with daily posts. Maybe if I posted only two to three times a week, it would be more interesting and more of a treat for my subscribers. I feel this way about a few of the pages I’m subbed to and get excited when I see these names rise to the top on my subscription menu with an update. I enjoy the daily updaters too but I suppose absence does make the heart grow fonder.

I feel I can only handle about 10 active subscriptions because I do like to take the time and completely read and consider everything I’m subbed to and leave decent comments. I’m over this number now and am reluctant to unsubscribe from anyone. I like the nice flavour array of writers that I’m subbed to. I had a system for a while where I would write whatever I felt like all day privately and at midnight, reread and make public what I liked from it. Maybe I’ll go back to that.

At a University library, have some time before my next class. Was up all night at work. Came from a lecture that ended an hour early since it was the first of the year. Heavily caffeinated. I have a much different personality when I am exhausted and running on artificial energy. Much more brazen and forward. I don’t pay any mind to that little voice that stops me from voicing my opinions forcefully and boldly opening conversations with people I have always wanted to. I don’t make an effort to hide my Xanga page here at the library. The girl beside me took an extra long look at my page before she left, I wonder if she has one or has seen this page. There is something lost in the translation between my stream of consciousness and writing complete coherent sentences here. Especially in the dream like twitchy swaggering state I’m in now.

Steps to break Procrastination.

(1) Get a coffee. Take it to the task you want to get done and drink it there. Don’t drink it while doing something else.

(2) Take 10 minutes off and meditate. Deep breathing in a comfortable
position, trying to let go of consciosness as well as you can.

(3) Stretching. The neck and choulders for five to ten minutes.

At work. Bored and unmotivated.

There is a library here full of donated books from the residents of the building. I have felt like reading this weekend so I perused the selection for the umpdredth time. The selection isn’t good. Lots of crud. Biographies of people I don’t care about, inappropriate self-help books, old history and travel, disposable eighties fiction, Patricia Cromwell’s catalog. Sometimes I find a rare gem though. I picked up and read Frank McCourt’s Angela’s Ashes out of there. I’ve gone though all the John Grisham stuff. His books remind me of summer blockbusters, entertaining and quick but ultimately hollow. The best I could find tonight was Stephen King’s Rose Madder. bleah. I like his short stories best but I tire of him a little in longer books. I’ll give it a go I suppose.

I discovered you can play chess through MSN messenger today. If anyone wants to play sometime tonight (10pm-5am EST) go online in messenger and send me an email and your hotmail address, I’ll add you as a contact and we can play.

(1) Eat Better

(2) Read great material in silence.

(3) Collect inspiring materials that remind you of who you are and what you need to do. -meditation technique -stretching technique -organization procedures -how to maintain order

(4) Exercise regularly

(5) Keep things clean

(6) Get more acomplished at work, establish a routine where most things are completed in the first half of the shift. How to do this, avoid pitfalls.

Hello. How’s your head?

I’m ok, I only had one drink last night, vodka and blue curacao mixed with some fruit juices. Yummy and over priced.

This last week was the cat’s pajamas. Nothing academic or xangic was attended to. Ten straight days off of work were booked. I lived as an unabashed hedonist and loved it. Now that I return, this page looks a little dark and unfriendly. I associate it with stressful times.

I spent the week with my girlfriend and we slipped back into our familiar roller coaster style relationship. It was mostly wonderful but there was a pretty spectacular taint that started out with an innocent coffee shop discussion and climaxed with me yelling the best profanity and breaking an umbrella on the sidewalk of St. George street. Cold rain is the perfect environment for anger. That was the big lowlight. As expected nothing has changed between us, volatile and unpredictable as ever. Another minor lowlight was that despite all the time I put into making book lists of what I really wanted to read, no one gave me a single one for Christmas.

Highlights included sledding down the largest and steepest slopes on the University in the middle of the night. Bowling with friends and taking last place in every single game. Arcade fun. Paying to see The Incredibles at 4:40pm then sneaking into The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou at 6:45pm, later going to eat delicious Prince Albert diner food downtown. (random thought: it is possible to get a prince albert for your zissou)  Trying to come up with a plausible explanation as to why I am receiving a mysterious package from South Korea containing Milhouse and Ralph Wiggum figures (and trying to hide my excitement at receiving it). Getting a chance to finally use my Simpsons chess set a bunch of times. Getting a MINI IPOD from my parents!!! Woohoooo!!!!! Oh baby, I love that gift. I am such a spoiled rotten brat for Christmas. I really have no right to complain about not getting books with the haul I brought in. My gifts were awesome too. If you are exchanging with me you better bring your A game cause even though I may not have a lot of money I’m not going to give crap. I suppose breaking my four month abstinence streak was a highlight too… actually the time after that one was more of a highlight. And Napoleon Dynamite’s dance skit. Haha. On the DVD commentary they said he freestyled it. LOL!!!

sidenote: I claimed the Ms.Pacman high score at Ace Arcade yesterday on my first and only game. I am a pacman child prodigy. I was given an Atari 2600 and the game as a wee child. My pac skillz are unrivaled in all the land. Did you know that those ghosts all have separate little brains and different strategies for catching you? I’m a Bubble Bobble gangsta too. There’s no school like the old school. I get the urge to throttle those Dance Dance Revolution geeks who have memorized the fastest songs and stomp away like they’re wild rhinos on fire.

sidenote #2: I loved the Life Aquatic. Disregard the negative critics. It is worth it just to see Willem Dafoe’s Klaus character alone. Bill Murray’s a little hit and miss in it, still good though. Napolean Dynamite was funny too. Offbeat. My girlfriend hated it. I like to associate people with styles of movies so I can say “That’s an Evan movie” for something like American Pie (Evan’s a friend) or “That’s a Merle movie.” for something like Chocolat. I wouldn’t object if someone said The Life Aquatic and Napoleon Dynamite are my type of movies.

sidenote #3: On my first shift back I received a phone call from a terrified babysitter at 1:30am from the top floor of the manor house (I work at a condo complex that has a main building and an old Victorian manor house split into three condos). She wanted to know if there was anyone above them because it sounded like there were footprints on the ceiling or movement coming from inside the walls. I assured her it was just a squirrel that ventured in through the eaves. I know better though. It never stops at that place.

sidenote #4: Did anyone miss me?

I think I’m taking a break from Xanga for a while. Here is a great short story that I loved. Have a happy holiday season everyone. See you in 2005! 

2025 me here: Link doesn’t work. Shocking that a GeoCities link doesn’t work anymore right? I had a GeoCities page before Xanga. I posted mid-nineties teenage things. I wish I still had that page and writing archived too.

Cold apartment. Cold hands and feet. Warm coffee. My little boycott is over. I needed something warm. I should stop listening to slow music it is making me all melancholy. Sometimes I can’t tolerate indie music. The six 2005 albums I have grabbed are all introspective slow songs. Styles I really enjoy but I need variety. I just put AlexisOnFire on. Much more agreeable right now.

I haven’t been too happy lately, last night especially. Sometimes I wish I was a more expressive writer. I had insomnia and felt like writing about it but couldn’t get it out. It isn’t good to be alone during the holidays (my gf is coming but this brings with it a whole different set of complications). I wonder if caffeine withdrawal increases risk of depression. There is a psych Masters thesis for someone. The crux of my unhappiness was the realization that I’m going to have to compromise on my lofty goals and dreams. It’s clear that grad school is going to be out of reach for a while and unfortunately in the bioinformatics field there aren’t too many opportunities for someone with a bachelor’s degree. I’m twenty-five and feel like I’m being left in the dust by all my peers. My friends from first year are in the Bahamas, Europe, South America all starting out on promising careers. I’m stuck here, in a situation where I’ve bit off more than I can comfortably chew once again, struggling to get by. I need to learn to set the bar lower so I can feel good exceeding it. I still haven’t found anything I have a passion for. Last week I was asked, “So what are you going to do with your life?” If you want to mess with someone, ask them this question. If they’re anything like me, it catches up to them eventually.

One coffee really turned my mood around. I now feel like an unconquerable monster. (ridiculous isn’t it?)

Mall shopping. Not done but I dented the list, not panicking anymore just tired. With some luck I can wrap most of it up tomorrow. I felt so bewildered in a lot of the stores. It must have showed too because I usually attracted may-I-help-you people within seconds of entering, which wasn’t the worst thing because I was pretty lost. My most unique gift was probably leg warmers from campus crew. Everything else was pretty standard. Socks, chocolate covered blueberries, white sweatpants from roots, a pink western sweater, some yummy candy sticks, bug, stars and frog stickers. Bows and wrapping paper. I’ll visit Chapters and a comic book store tomorrow. I want to buy one of these head massagers too but can’t find one. I got a ton of Christmas cards too so if anyone wants one email me your address and you’ll get it sometime in January.

When I was at bulk barn (one of those bulk food bin places) I wanted to get some chocolate marshmallow wafer things so bad. Sooo bad. I resisted and just replaced my coffee supply. Just smelling the delicious hazelnut cream aroma from grinding the beans made my mouth water and triggered an instant withdrawal headache that I still have. The boycott is still strong though. Tomorrow morning will be tempting with my fresh supply in hand. Maybe I’ll just try smelling it.

Seems like all my subscriptions have been talking about dreams lately. I had a bizarre one last night. Involving little tiny monsters that looked a lot like pale flesh coloured wrinkly iszes. Little two-foot monsters that are all mouth and tiny little arms. The setting shifted and blended in typical dream like fashion to the various places that have been active in my consciousness; Workplace, campus buildings and tunnels, apartment and hometown. They kept biting into things and people effortlessly. Cleaving through anything. I was indifferent and horrified at the same time.  There was more to it but that’s all I remember. Iszes eating stuff.

PS: I could still use gift Ideas