I’m almost done Fast Food Nation. Congratulations, Eric Schlosser, you succeeded in taking an already anti-corporate, environmentally and politically conscious, counter-culture, media suave young man and making him even more jaded. I’m thoroughly disgusted with fast and processed foods and the corporate and franchising powers that be. I also now know why McDonalds French fries taste the way they do. Actually, I now know why all processed foods taste the way they do and the quiet industries that facilitate them. I just got through the slaughter house chapter. It was the book’s money shot of gory detail, I found myself cringing as I was walking to work and listening. Apparently, since cattle varies so much in shape and size, automation of these plants is extremely difficult. So meat packing plants rely on unskilled migrant labor with employee turnover of over 80% yearly. Pressure to keep the line going quickly is enormous and the workers have the highest rate of serious injury (mostly lacerations) among the manufacturing industry. They are also all supposedly addicted to speed. An orgy of slashing, hacking, blood and methamphetamine. Yee-Haw. In a similar vein, last night I got a rare chance to watch one of my favorite things, The Fifth Estate, an award winning Canadian documentary show that looks at societal trends and issues.
The topic of this one was U.S.A. politics as presented through the American media eye. Funding sources and probable agendas of various organizations and the effect media bias has on news coverage were examined. It was the type of show that I delight in watching as I simultaneously become frustrated and angry at the material presented.

I felt it was quite objective even though the conservative talking heads came off looking like real assholes. Bob McKeown is the long time host of the show and he had an interview with Ann Coulter. Bob asked her something about U.S.-Canada relations and she replied along the lines of, “Well, Canada used to be the strongest ally of the United States. They sent troops to Vietnam to help ours and…”. Bob cuts her off in a mild but decisive tone, “Canada never sent troops to Vietnam” (very true). Coulter wouldn’t concede the point though, right there on the Fifth Estate being interviewed by a respected Canadian journalist who has been in the game maybe since before she was born and she told Bob he was wrong at least twice. My jaw just dropped open at the ignorance and pig headedness, I couldn’t believe it. Al Franken’s right (who also had an interview), she’s insane. A total psychopath. Unfortunately, I believe they are probably more common in government and the media than one would typically expect. A man who runs an organization monitoring media ethics said some things that struck a chord in me on how information and the real story doesn’t seem to matter anymore. There are just blue facts and red facts; The truth is different depending on which party you support. I found myself admiring Phil Donahue too since he came off so intelligent and informed. An old thoughtful media veteran. There was other meaty stuff on style and accountability too but this is depressing to write about, it really gets me upset. It hurts to ponder the greed, absurdity and patriotic ego of it all.

I’ve decided to leave the UWO webring…. but before I go I will disclose three little known facts about the University.

(1) You can print for FREE at the printers at Weldon or the Taylor library (And I’m not talking about the honor system one by the circulation desk for CD-ROMs, I’m talking about the 7 cent per page ones). Only two people know about this. Me and my partner in crime. Most textbooks are available in ebook form. Draw your own conclusions here.

(2) Everyone knows about the UCC-SSC tunnel but… there are underground and above ground tunnels connecting the following buildings into one big mega complex that is ALWAYS OPEN. Middlesex College, Western Science Center, Biological and Geological, Physics, Chemistry, Natural Science, Kresge, Medical Science building. In winter this is very handy. When I am walking home from work at 6:45am on Sunday morning and it is freezing out I use my card access at Middlesex College and take the tunnels through WSC, Physics, Nat Sci, Kresge, Medical Science and then it is just a little skip and jump home to Bayfield Hall. If I brought a crowbar I could bring home a cadaver or particle accelerator or something cause all those building are totally empty at that time.

(3) As long as you keep paying you can keep coming back.

I make a differentiation between soft and hard deadlines. The softies are self imposed. I don’t know why I keep the facade up though. Every time I write “soft deadline for blah blah blah” in my little black dayplanner I might as well write in “I’m going to win a million dollars today”.  Anyway, I worked all day on a half way done assignment that’s due tomorrow in a very hard way and I desire a break. Lately I’ve been reading Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser. Well not exactly reading. I’m listening to it on Luna in Audiobook form. It’s pretty good; territory I had seen already covered in Super Size Me, but Fast Food Nation came first and goes deeper into the historical development of fast food and its marketing etc.

Anyway, it made me hungry for a thick juicy burger and lucky me, last week on the Okituk expedition, I bought a pack of Presidents Choice thick N juicy burgers, lettuce, tomatoes and sesame seed buns. The Prince Albert Diner has a yummy yummy burger where they throw on all the standard stuff and then they add a thick layer of peanut butter to the patty and this is what I recreated. It was so fucking good. The peanut butter got all hot and melty and yumm yumm. It mixed surprisingly well with the mayo, mustard, ketchup and onion. So good. SOO GOOOD!!!

My kiwis are finally ripe too. When I got home from work yesterday morning at 7am, outside it was still pretty dark, but a reddish glowing kind of dark because all the white snow was reflecting the little light that there was and the sky was kind of purplish just before the sunrise. I came into my dark apartment and put on CHRW campus radio and it was perfect dark glowing morning kiwi eating music.
It was ambient spaceship mars landing slow dreamy surreal type stuff. I sat down at my kitchen table and only had on a little fluorescent lamp and peeled my kiwi in the eerie glow and I pretended I was eating a baby alien pod and it was delicious then I had a little nap before class. The End

So, I wasn’t very nice on the phone last night. I was pretty frayed going in and my typically deep well of patience was depleted. There was enough left in it for cordial relationship-maintenance conversation but it wasn’t the time to take a shot at me. She jabbed the wounded animal and he woke up proud and angry. All pretenses fell away and I indulged that evil well of darkness existing way down deep at the core of my essence. It laughed with joy to finally be in control and delighted in stripping off the sugar coating on my thoughts and feelings towards her and replacing it with a cruel dark taint. It grinned as I cut at her in a righteous fury with emotion unbuffered and raw. I don’t feel like going into specifics but rest assured it was thoroughly vicious. Say goodnight to the bad guy.

This post isn’t going to be very fun cause I haven’t been doing so good this weekend. I’m sliding on the down slope of a big three month valley that represents my final term of university. The source of my anxiety is my thesis. I’m so incredibly behind on it to the point that I feel sick every time I think about it. (which is hourly). Academia isn’t the only thing crumbling either; my long distance relationship with Merle is not doing well. It’s becoming clear that if I don’t land a job in Massachusetts after this term that will be the end of that roller coaster. Our last two phone conversations were fights, she wouldn’t come out and say it directly but she won’t come to Canada if I can only land a job here. She’s a certified teacher with a Masters and apparently worked hard to get Mass. certification. I would love to have the kind of security a teacher has, I feel I’ll be lucky to find anything in my field, so if I land something good in Toronto or London, clinging to it for a while would probably be wise. It’s hard to find the will to apply to jobs when I have serious doubts I’ll even land my degree though. My parents and grandparents are pressuring me for the graduation service date so they can book time off. I just love having that breathing down my neck.

I have more serious issues with Merle too. She proposed and I turned her down. She’s been festering over that ever since. I sense that the breaking point will be in late February when I have a week off and won’t want to spend the time with her.

Forcing myself to sit down and actually work on my thesis or assignments this month has been near impossible. I try my best to eliminate distractions but there is always something else. I remove as many time wasters as possible from my environment and then I just end up playing FreeCell. It kills me that I am squandering an opportunity that others would kill for. My schedule is a problem. I work nights Friday through Monday, then three days off. Establishing any semblance of a routine is extremely difficult. As hard as I try, I just can’t focus at night and at my job. I can’t handle the type of work I have to do. I can’t think critically.

Listening to this indie emo rock sure isn’t helping matters either. Early Day Miners. (they’re good).

In case anyone was wondering about the thing with Ms. O from last week, I doubt anything else will develop. I’m not going to initiate contact anyway. I just don’t want to deal with anything extra right now. The feeling seems to be mutual. I just want to muster enough drive to carry me through until April. I hate continuously feeling like I’m a tight little ball of tension and anxiety.

Maybe I should just head back to Northwestern Ontario. Transfer all my Biology credits into a forestry program back home and work for a paper mill. Just another regular Joe-Bag-o-Donuts like Pa. I could be happy. I would have a fireplace that I cut my own wood for and a big furry dog named Okituk. I don’t have passion for computer science/genetics. I don’t think I’ll be content working as an underling for someone who does.

I made a new taxi friend at the grocery store. Usually, I stubbornly trudge home with my groceries strapped to my back and on each arm. It is tough but it makes me feel like a voyageur.

Anyway, the highlight of my supermarket adventure was probably when the quite large female butcher paid me a compliment when I was picking out steaks that put a goofy grin on my face for five minutes.
“Can I get those two steaks right there. And have them bundled separately please?”
“Sure, for a good looking guy like you anything.”

While I was in the checkout line, a short and stout comely young man lined up behind me. My groceries were splayed out on the conveyer belt and he seemed to find them fascinating. I scowled at him a little for his unhealthy interest in my meat. Today I was ravenously hungry so I ended up spending three times as much as regular. Calling a cab was a necessity. After shopping I waited in the foyer for my taxi. As I stupidly stared out into the wintry parking lot, Mr. Nosy crept up and asked me,

“Are you waiting for a cab?”.
“Yes. ummm… U-Need-A.”.
A lengthy disorienting pause, then he says,
“You aren’t going to University housing are you?”.
“Yeah. Which one are you going to?”
“Bayfield.”.

We locked forearms in a steely embrace as the sun set majestically in the background and thus the alliance was forged. In the cab I found out he lives on the basement floor. He confirmed my suspicions about the lower floor hot water advantage and then said in a deep solemn voice,

“I see you bought rainbow trout. That’s a good fish.”

“Yes, I actually would have preferred salmon but apparently they’re filled with PCB’s now.”

He agreed and passionately expressed anger at the degradation of ocean quality and fish stocks. A kindred spirit. Even after that little bit of heartfelt bonding, splitting the fare was awkward as hell. It came to $6.75 and we each had a five. What would you do there? It’s a little too much to tip and an odd amount of change to split. We just ended up giving it to him. Upon exiting the cab, I gave him my name and asked his.

“Okituk.” “It’s Inuit.” he added after looking at my perplexed face. It was at that moment I wondered why I hadn’t noticed the sealskin boots and spear earlier. We agreed that if we ever saw each other at the supermarket again we would renew our pact. I went upstairs and cooked some sausage and perogies cause I had class all day and was too tired for anything else. The end.

Cold shower today! In my building during the dead of winter I get the short end of the heat stick. I have suspicions the students on the lower floors have it nice and steamy wet hot. The shower water was just tepid enough to entice me inside with the promise of more warmth to come. And it did get a little warmer, so I started brushing my teeth. Then when my mouth was at its frothiest it went cold. I started to shiver and yell angry guttural tribalisms. After I couldn’t bear the icy torment any more, I was forced to get ready for class not only massively sleep deprived but chilled to the bone and toothpaste encrusted. I bundled up in three huge sweaters and two layers of fuzzy pants with a whole bunch of unique socks on each frozen foot. My dirty unstyled black hair and unflattering facial growth added the finishing touch. I felt like going down and yelling at the rental office ladies except they’re much meaner than me and would yell back better. 

My Christmas scanner is now setup so here are a few pictures.

Ben Thans restaurant, London Ontario.
Family cabin near Bear Point, Rainy Lake, Northwestern Ontario.
Niagra Falls. (Stoic blue)
Museum of Fine Arts, Boston USA.
Showing maturity.

I run on caffeine, interesting music and sunshine. I got two out of three today. After sleeping in until 2pm, I had a huge hazelnut cream coffee and chased it with a brimming glass of yummy sweet ice wine. I played an album I’d never heard of before on my pseudo-stereo. It was from “The Streets” and the horrible sickening UK rap immediately nauseated me. I’ve decided I never want to hear rap in a cockney accent ever again. The replacement album I’d also never heard from “The Killing” was some thumping indie hard rock fare that was much better.

I’m having a sauna tonight.1:00am sharp. No one ever told me I couldn’t use the sauna. Maybe they just assume I know I’m not supposed to. Well you should never assume. I’m not going into the penthouse mechanical room tonight at three, either. Last night, when I was in there some stuff was torn down from the air-make-up unit and strewn all over the cement floor. It didn’t just fall down, it was ripped down and I had been the only one that was in there since the day before. And three lights burned out while I was in there. And that never happens. I’ve only ever had one burn out on a single shift. Not three in the same room over a period of less than three minutes. I froze and couldn’t move when I saw the damage and I just stood there wide-eyed, unable to hear anything but the loud machinery but I could feel my thudding heart. And I just stood there as the lights burned out one by one. I couldn’t go into the manor house basement either. Someone had left a light on in the water room I was supposed to check and it was dark in that corridor and all I could see was a glowing line at the bottom of the door and I was spooked by that shit in the mechanical room so I just spun around and headed back.

I have a steel ring I like to wear on either pinky finger. It cost less than ten dollars but I enjoy it much more than I would a pricey one. It gives me much tactile pleasure. I love the way the smooth inside curve feels as I rotate it around my finger, or slide it gently up and down the tips of each finger. I sometimes take it off and absentmindedly spin it between my thumb and index finger, watching the light reflect bent morphing images of myself and the room. I like to roll it along the surface of my wooden desk and watch it go like an escaped hamster wheel. I like the sound it makes after colliding with a ceramic mug or cement wall. I love the little clink it makes when I let it drop onto things after an exaggerated yawn. I have a bracelet of little yellowish and black Nepalese skulls I wear too. I like playing with it also but I’m afraid it’ll break. I wish the little skulls were real.

I run on coffee, interesting music and sunshine.

I think I’m going to compile an 80 minute CD comprised of my favorite tracks released in 2004. It will be predominantly independent music and probably fairly eclectic. If anyone expresses any interest I can make a link to it in MP3 format. It will be about 100 MB and probably take an hour or two to download from my computer.

I am consistently forgetting to drink some liquor daily. I read a study a few weeks ago about how one drink eliminated oxidation or something like that and it had positive health implications for heart disease and stroke, cancer etc. Unfortunately three drinks make you pro-oxidant, which is bad apparently. I guess two is normalcy? I also feel so pathetically sluggish when I don’t drink coffee.

I’m pulling back on Xanga. Less posts, less comments. Better posts. I want people to look forward to my updates.

I have a steel ring I like to wear on either pinky finger. It cost less than ten dollars but I enjoy it much more than I would a pricey one. It gives me much tactile pleasure. I love the way the smooth inside curve feels as I rotate it around my finger, or slide it gently up and down the tips of each finger. I sometimes take it off and absentmindedly spin it between my thumb and index finger, watching the light reflect bent morphing images of myself and the room. I like to roll it along the surface of my wooden desk and watch it go like an escaped hamster wheel. I like the sound it makes after colliding with a ceramic mug or cement wall. I love the little clink it makes when I let it drop onto things after an exaggerated yawn.

Why don’t I study or work on assignments while I am here at work? Possible Answers:
(1) I am not allowed to listen to music
(2) I can’t wear my glasses
(3) I can’t dress comfortably
(4) I hate working with the stuff I am supposed to be learning
(5) I would rather be writing a novel

If I was to write a novel, what would it be? Fantasy? Skewed life? Science Fiction? Horror? MAybe I should work on getting published. An article somewhere. Something expressing the limbo and anxiety I’m feeling. The way society is grinding me down, pushing me into a system I don’t believe in, telling me if I don’t fit in and generate money I’ll be a failure.