I’ve been watching a little more television. Mostly at work but a bit at home too. This means one or two hours a day as opposed to the previous amount of zero hours daily, which was the typical amount during the hectic past few months. I can’t deal with the commercials. I really can’t. I actually believe that there are some good things on TV but the vapid mindfucks that interrupt shows every 5 minutes ruin everything. Absurd, soulless drivel. You can step back and look at them objectively to recognize the meticulous planning that went into every little nuanced image and sound. All designed to force their brand through your synapses, to carve that fucking logo right though your brain. But they do it sweetly, cutely, with pop music, slick morphing images, comedy, big stunts and booms. It’s impossible to look at this shit objectively all the time. It just takes too much mental energy. You tune it out and it permeates in. Fuck I can’t stand it. This is where all our artists end up. Advertising bitches. God fucking damnit.

So I turn to music. Or audio books. I’ve become pretty good at focusing during the constant flow of speech of an audio book. It takes some discipline to stay with the narration and not drift off on your own tangents. Maybe this is why I’m finding the fragmented broadcast of television so abhorrent lately. Unfortunately, focusing is something I’m fairly incapable of doing in actual university lectures. I suppose it was the material. Stepping through algorithms and Turing machine proofs isn’t very enthralling.

Anyway, I’m almost done my audio book lecture series on classical mythology. I already know I want more. More detail, more depth. I listened to lectures on Heracules/Hercules and the Trojan war today. I really enjoyed it. Greek myth is full of excellent, funny, ironic and extremely entertaining stories. The old Hercules cartoon I used to watch on weekend mornings left out all the good stuff. I don’t remember the episode where he killed his children in a rage. Or the one where he slept with fifty women in one night. Was that in the Disney version? Cause I haven’t seen that yet. The Minotaur and the Labyrinth are a frequently borrowed theme too. Although all the contemporary versions I’ve seen leave out the part where Aphrodite infects Queen Pasiphae with sexual desire for the king’s prized bull which leads to the Minotaur’s conception.

So, now that I actually have a little free time, I’ll probably be setting up instant messaging later today. I’m going to use Trillian which integrates AIM, MSN, ICQ and other clients too, so if you want to be added, send me an email (there’s a link on the side of this page) with the info I need. I have a pre-existing MSN account but only two of my five contacts actually ever message me.

I just had a much needed week of fun and hedonism with a clingy succubus at my side. I let go and enjoyed it. We spent a lot of time downtown. I used some of my useless knowledge of indie music to win some free CD’s. Listened to live music. Hot Hot Heat. Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings. Cover bands. Memory loss from alcohol. Mini putt. Comic books. Awkward coffee shop trio with past and current girlfriend. Labatt brewery tour. Theater movies. Video Games. Sex. Cookies. Sugar Mountain Candy. Cats. Galleries. Fish. Trois Pistoles. Blanche de Chambly. Barakat. Hmm. So it was good. A vacation that purged accumulated stress, restlessness and insecurities.

The problem with these weekly rendezvous’ I have with Merle is that she can be perfect for a week. I really did have fun with her. Her cheeriness and excitement is infectious. I was showered with ego inflating compliments all week long. She did many niceties and unasked favours. She has a very large libido that at least matches mine, and the longer I stay with her, the more I become convinced that sex will never get boring between us. I enjoy her possessiveness and jealousy when it doesn’t cross a dangerous threshold. I catch myself thinking, “Who are you trying to fool? Yes, ok, she may have some bizarre quirks and mentally instabilities but she’s your perfect compliment. If you leave her, do you think you’ll ever find a woman who worships you like this again? What the hell is wrong with you?”

…And then the neurons containing a strong memory from when we were living together activate. The memory where I thought to myself, “I promise that no matter what happens, I will not marry this girl. She will make life unbearable. Miserable. Don’t ever forget this. Living with her is absolute hell. Never move in with her again. Not all women are like this. At least I hope not.” So after I have a good week with her, I wonder which set of promises will be broken, the ones I made with myself or with her.

We met, or hooked up, or whatever in a coed residence. We were on the same floor. Floor incest. The next year we lived with another couple in a rented house. It was the worst living arrangement I’ve ever experienced. Merle is a neat freak and an explosive personality. The other male was very messy and …. ahh never mind. It was unpleasant. A tale for another day. The next two years we lived together in an on-campus apartment exclusively. After we parted ways, her to go to teacher’s college in the states, I into a second undergrad program, we had to pay over $600 damages on the apartment. Damages that mostly resulted from the unfortunate trait I inherited from my Italian grandfather of punching walls in extreme frustration. Our posters were strategically placed. I do have a deep well of patience and it is exceedingly difficult to make me very angry. But I know that when I am provoked, it is possible to ignite a dark, intense rage that first smolders and then explodes. I envision my eyes going red, my teeth gritting and whole body tensing. Oddly enough, I grin a demonic smile too. It is in these moments that I scare myself and Merle. I know I’m incapable of hurting her though. A strong mother and good father made sure this moral was firmly embedded into my core (my grandfather apparently didn’t have this and is now divorced from my grandmother and is somewhat of a black sheep.). Anyway, my point was not to reveal a fatal character flaw but that Merle has an uncanny ability to ignore the overt warning signs I emit to totally frustrate and infuriate me regularly. In these moments, my internal censor that weighs consequences dies. I am viciously honest and brutal which deeply hurts Merle. Typically, she then cries for an indeterminate amount of time, which will elicit my affection once my rage dies. She will then pretend all I said was untrue, everything gets all better and the cycle is primed to continue.

It usually takes longer than a week together though.

It was a busy week and I had a good time. I let all obligations melt away and lived as a hedonist.

For the first time ever I think I’ve experienced memory loss from drinking. And it took a relatively small amount of alcohol. Apparently I now have virtually no tolerance.

Merle left today. I’m now left to my own dangerous devices. Dangerous as in lazy.

I’m not digging this post. I have an abundance of topics I could write on but nothing profound and wise. And that’s what I desire right now.

I feel about as articulate as a caveman tonight. My mental environment is clouded. I’m having a hard time coping now that I lack the clear but hectic path that school provided, paved with hard deadlines. There are now no clear obligations, just overwhelming options. The presence of Merle is a confounding factor. She was almost indifferent on Sunday, the effect of two months apart. Tonight she announced that she doesn’t want to leave. She strokes my ego in unusually satisfying ways. I’ve missed having a woman around. She infuriates me. Maybe I’m too kind and affectionate. She has reattached. We’re doing lots of stuff. I am pure evil.

I’m at work and lacking sound judgment due to a bizarre sleep deprived transitive state. Instead of resting, like my body desperately wanted to, I spent the day cleaning in preparation of Pandora’s arrival.

I continue to marvel at my unholy plants. Guess how many times I’ve watered them this year? Excluding today, three times. Three! And it’s April. April!! These aren’t cacti either. I’m talking about a whole wall of my apartment living room filled with tropical plants of various sizes. So is it normal that they need water only once a month? I’m not even convinced they need it once a month. I just do it because it is so unnerving that I don’t water them and they refuse to wilt or go brown. My apartment doesn’t have a moist jungle atmosphere either. It’s as dry as a bone! Those plants are as tough as nails. Or something else entirely. The big ones are between eight and ten feet tall and are squashed uncomfortably against the ceiling. I was the tallest creature in the apartment two years ago but now the plants dominate.

As a special cleaning bonus, when I went out onto my balcony to shake out some throw rugs I discovered the whole area is a cacophony of pigeon shit. That’ll be an enjoyable little project for an upcoming  sunny day.

Tangents, tangents. Ok. So, there won’t be a breakup this week. Well, there won’t be a planned breakup anyway. The timing is bad. The day on which I finished school is a date Merle has been looking forward to for a long time. To break up with her mere days after my last exam is a cruelty I’m not capable of. And I know it’s not going to be easy. If I try this week, I bet she won’t leave. “Listen to this guy make excuses”, right? Well, fair enough but I don’t think so. A definitive neural network switch has toggled somewhere in my brain. It’s going to happen. It won’t be nice or clean and I want some distance between us before I do it though.

When Merle and I come together after being apart for a couple of months it is like two grinding stones meeting for the first time. We react to the unpleasant ridges that have developed and accumulated while we were apart and there is violent sparking and rubbing as we carve our way into our old familiar volatile groove.

One thing I enjoy about seeing Merle after a long time is that, even though she is fearless and uninhibited in virtually any social situation, she is unable to look at me when I approach. I make her very nervous and she drops her eyes and blushes. It happens when we meet randomly somewhere too…

Anyway, during our last conversation before she left she actually didn’t sound too thrilled about visiting. Intriguing. Maybe it was just the reaction to the loud sigh I let out at the start of the conversation. She did say she was looking forward to the sex though. That’s nothing new. In our six or so years together I can’t recall a single instance where she rebuffed one of my advances. Well, I am looking forward to it too. It’s been a long time. I’ll be going home in a few hours to her. It will be a repeat of a February scene, from which, vivid images still linger. She’ll be there, naked in my freshly washed sheets and super soft blankets. After being alone for two months, it will be, well.. tempting. Maybe she’ll be wearing one of my shirts because she likes when I tell her to take it off. She’ll smell like coconut or strawberry because she knows I love those flavours of body spray much more than any perfume… I’ll take my time but I’ll be selfish. It’s what she wants though. The inevitable culmination is fucking. An activity that will continue throughout the week. She’ll fall in love with me again and suffer a separation anxiety crisis when she leaves. One more iteration through our familiar, cyclic pattern.

I haven’t seen live music in a while. At least I have someone to go with now.

I’m done and utterly exhausted. I knew it would be this way. Empty and phased, not excited and relieved. I couldn’t sleep last night. There may have been a half hour of rest between 4:30 and 5am. The exam I had this afternoon triggered a small panic attack last night when I realized how unprepared I was. So I left my apartment at 5:20am to study on campus until the 2pm exam. Gutting it out with the knowledge that it was the last ever. I think I did alright. Maybe tomorrow I’ll appreciate my final heroic effort.

Merle’s on her way. I don’t even know how I feel about this. Numb. Annoyed. Tired. She’ll want to do all this stuff. whatever. stuff. the stuff is a good movie.

I should clean my lair instead of slouching here despondently. I need groceries and clean clothes too. Bleah.. Got a night shift tonight. I’ll probably return some comments then. I’ve really been pushing my boundaries at work. I’ve been busted by residents listening to Luna. I walk around in my socks, without my blazer, tie loosened like I own the place. I lock people out of the exercise room and watch the cable TV in there. I’m using the sauna tonight for sure. My supervisor knows I do all this too. The residents love me though. I’m untouchable cause I’m everybody’s favorite. How could you not love me. And I’m the only one who deals with the little 4am monsters. I’m watching the Raptors tonight. I’m a pretty big basketball fan and I’m sour the Raptors aren’t going to the playoffs. Tonight they have a chance to spoil New Jersey and Vince Carter’s year so I’ll be pulling for that. It fits my sour mood. Cheering for ruin.

Yeehawww. Just had two exams in an eight hour span. I’m dead tired but feeling pretty spiffy. One exam on Friday left. The last exam ever! Hooboy. On my kitchen table I found an old schedule outlining all the assignments, projects, presentations and exams I had to get done through the last few weeks and I involuntarily cringed at the unfathomable horribleness of it. I still don’t know how I pulled it all off.

You know, it’s looking like I’m going to be the first ever Bioinformatics grad from my university. There are a couple others in the same stream but they don’t have all the credits they need yet. It’s going to be funny if they give me a gold medal for the highest mark of my program. I totally don’t deserve one with what will likely be a low seventies average. The injustice is sweet, my friends. Haha!

Oh so sleep deprived. I’m excited though. I’m starting to feel real excited about my coming metamorphosis from a dull and lowly undergrad into a beautiful and elegant butte– graduate. I am looking forward to starting fresh somewhere, a new job, new city, new place. New new new. Maybe I’ll even earn some money that isn’t spent on rent or food. Even in the worse case scenario of not finding a job this summer, the idea of going back home to T. Bay in September is exciting. I’ll reconnect with old friends who’ve probably written me off, enjoy the doting attention of a mom who hasn’t had her son in the house since he was eighteen, buy some new skates and a stick with which I will unleash an incomprehensible torrent of furious hockey skill and prowess upon the unsuspecting patrons of the outdoor rinks of my childhood neighbourhood! Ohhh yes!

I think I’m going to renew my campus recreation membership and locker for the summer. Preparation starts now!

Hmm. Good comments, good comments. I think I’ve actually mustered up the necessary resolve. I’ve written enough on it for now. It’s coming though.

Yawn yawn yawn. Always so sluggish on Sunday. Last week I had my last day of class ever. It was a representative microcosm of all others. I slept in through the first three hours and walked in late to the last two. Three more exams and I’m done. I’m having trouble maintaining motivation to study though…

More boringly, I finished the last lecture of my ancient near eastern mythology audio book series. It was on wisdom. Hopefully, I osmosed at least some of it. The lecture was, in part, a reminder of how trivial my current problems are. I have no right to complain when I’m in such a privileged position. There are many who are better off but the amount of people suffering with much more serious problems dwarfs that. I’m pretty good at keeping things in context but sometimes it does slip away.

I started another series on classical mythology for continuity. I’m about two hours in. As a bonus, I found some supplemental material on TV last night at 5am. It was a Robin Hood cartoon, where for some inexplicable reason, Robin and Little John were traveling through outer space. They landed on a planet where they needed to help Jason, of Argonaut fame, obtain the Golden Fleece and get past a Hydra. Holy shit, I hit the jackpot! Roman mythology and Medieval legend combined with a sci-fi twist. And in cartoon format too! I was transfixed and mesmerized by this amusing amalgamation.

Ahhuuh, Girlfriend in a Coma is such a perfect song for my mood right now. Mellow, lazy and sublimely evil. I just found out the other day that Morrissey was the lead singer for The Smiths. Who knew? Everyone but me apparently.

You know, even though I’m basically a biology grad, whenever I hear “osmosis”, it only summons up a mental image of Garfield where he’s got books strapped to his feet and head.

I’m often glib when I refer to Merle but the truth is that I really do care about her and am searching for a way to end things in a way that doesn’t cause a destructive explosion. Some things she has said in the past regarding what would happen if we break up have been pretty scary. I really do believe that she has a mild case of borderline personality disorder and there is a significant danger of suicide. I talk about running away as a solution but I’m not serious. I know this is something I’m going to have to face very soon. Due to our respective U.S. citizenship issues she recently talked to a lawyer about her green card/naturalization situation as well as what I need to do to obtain a work permit (it will be easy if I find a willing employer). She asked about marriage and the lawyer strongly advised against it. When she told me this she was crying but I felt relief. Her visit after my last exam on the 15th is now in question too because of her green card expiration. There is a danger that when she crosses the border, she’ll be nabbed and deported to France. That would be funny! (no it wouldn’t. no it wouldn’t.)

She told me in our second year together that she wanted to marry me. I figured it was just infatuation and would pass but it didn’t. Since then I’ve done an incredible job of resisting marriage or engagement but even the most resolute rocks erode. Last year she threw a serious proposal at me which I rejected in the most delicate way possible. Still, she was deeply hurt and is still bitter about it. She won’t move on though. Personality attributes that I don’t like about myself I think she finds desirable. She is an intensely jealous creature and therefore likes my introversion. She is social, bombastic and steals my few friends. I know that if we broke up, if she felt like it, she could find someone else with much more ease. She had two previous boyfriends before me that threw flower petals at her feet and she dominated them. I observed from a distance as she unceremoniously ripped out one poor young man’s heart and stomped on it like a tomato. This coincided with her decision to aggressively pursue me. Maybe it’s retribution or karma that I’m the one she fell for. Anyway, my independent nature prevents bullying from Merle and often sparks spectacular fights. In one of the most oddly satisfying things she’s told me, she said that she likes how I keep her “in line”. That was so fucking bizarre to hear coming from her.

There is a psychology professor at my university that I know on a somewhat personal level. He is intelligent, well spoken, witty and thoughtful. I have a lot of respect for him. I once looked up his student evaluation records and wasn’t surprised at all to find that his students absolutely adore him. He tends to be very busy but I enjoy our occasional conversations. He is a fifty something who went through a divorce about two years ago and now lives with his teenage daughter. He has demanded I stop by for a visit before fleeing London in search of fame and fortune. The reason I am writing about him is that he is so incredibly soured on the idea of marriage and living with women. I don’t have any knowledge about how he was scorched by his ex-wife but I sense that he was really miserable. It gives me real pause when Merle says that she wants to marry me. I’m twenty five. Sometimes that feels old and I’m compelled to just throw in the towel and settle for Merle. Maybe I don’t love her, but I do care for her. Maybe that’s enough. I know she truly loves me. Then I think of this professor and how bad I fought with Merle when we lived together, how I believe she is incapable of change. Do I want my relationship to be a wild rollercoaster or something more fulfilling? I have serious doubts in my abilities to reach out and find someone else though.

I’m riding my bike again (yes the pedal kind, not the motor kind) and I don’t wear a helmet. I stubbornly refuse to. If I’m destined to die from a horrible bike related concussion than so be it. A little egg shell helmet isn’t going to save me. Merle gets very upset about this. Justifiably, I suppose. Still, she won’t let the issue die and it is one of our many regular fight topics. She doesn’t accept the reason I gave at the top of this post, so out of boredom I tend to come up with other less convincing arguments like, “they look dorky”, “It will mess up my beautiful hair” or, “the strap will give me chin rash”. The last time we talked on the phone I told her that when riding to work I dress all in black because I’m a bike ninja. And bike ninjas don’t wear helmets. We’re silent and swift and don’t obey traffic laws. And for purposes of stealth I was thinking of taking off all the reflectors. I’m rarely such a sarcastic ass but during times of high stress she can draw it out of me. The results were predictable and I felt bad after.

She’s coming for a week long visit on the 16th. I don’t even get to breathe after my last exam on the 15th before she pounces. I know I’m going to be turning down another marriage proposal that week. I no longer have the school excuse. I wish I had stronger friendship bonds. Maybe I’d be able to take the leap I’m tempted to if I had a cat for moral support.

She’s a resident alien and was denied U.S. citizenship last week. She let her green card lapse too. Soon she won’t be able to come into Canada for an indeterminate amount of time. Maybe Vancouver’s the place to be. My talented little sister is out there too. She’s going to an art school. I have a feeling she’s living a bohemian lifestyle.

A guard at my workplace called in sick tonight so I’m covering. I feel like a dark little troll. When the weather starts to get better it makes working night shifts incredibly unbearable. There was a time when I used to revel in the sun. Out in it all day long, everyday. Maybe if I got more sunshine I wouldn’t write bitter little posts like this at 4:30am