Something bit me yesterday. A spider? Or a house centipede maybe. Now my supple elbow is all red and inflamed. Fluid filled.

I keep poking it.

My second, more accurate, impression of Chris.

He’s tall, probably 6″1 or so. Skinny, which emphasizes his height. Scruffy but seems not dirty. We look about the same age I suppose, although he’s 25 and I’m 28.

His previous roommate and her boyfriend told me to expect to eat lots of cookies. He doesn’t party. He hangs around the apartment a lot. He gets up super early but is done with classes just after noon.

He has a style of speaking which makes me think his cookies are occasionally filled with weed. ****** and her third grade-isms had a detrimental effect on my vocabulary but I don’t think Chris dropping his slacker-cool lingo on me is going to be an improvement.

The day I moved in he was in the kitchen making cookies. He told me he wanted to fake freak out like a drill sergeant yelling about the way it’s going to be and rules and such, but he chickened out. We talked about the apartment logistics, the neighbourhood, and then movies, video games, and cookies. He used Clerks to explain what playing Resident Evil 4 before the older versions is like.

“It’s like seeing Clerks 2 before seeing Clerks 1”
“Oh. I never saw Clerks 2.”
“REALLY!!! Oh! We have to watch that together.”
“Yeah, ok.”
“Its got elements of Mallrats. Clerks 1 is spoofed big. Randall’s character is much more developed and Jay and Silent Bob are .. you know Jay and Silent Bob.”
“And they’re colourized.”
“Yeah color. The dialogue in Clerks 1 was way overdone”
“It was pretty thick.”
“Do you like Star Wars?”
*slight pause (who doesn’t like Star Wars right?)*
“Yeah”
“We’re going to get along well!! Look what I printed out!”
“Oh! Wookie Cookies! I see.”
“They don’t have anything to do with Star Wars but they have cinnamon.”
“Wookies are cinnamon coloured.”
“Yeah they are. And look, VAMILLA! Not Vanilla!”

Followed by a hilariously awkward fridge cleaning scene.

The End.

I need to start writing again. It grounds me. It helps me focus.

Reading would help too. Those are two things I need to back into. Reading and writing.

Internet reading is not quality reading. It’s way too fragmented. Training my brain with data from this superficial flashy format has destroyed my attention span. I have trouble getting though a simple printed article now.

Post breakup. What am I going to do now?

I’m going to move into a 14 by 14 foot third floor room. It’s on the top level of an old north Cambridge house. My roommate Chris is going to be three years younger at 25. I’ve met him once. He’s a video gamer. My impression was that he’s quiet, a little insecure, and more similar to myself than most.

His roommate Eliza is moving out. The three of us had a little get to know each other conversation at the kitchen table. He asked me meekly if I liked movies, and then comedies. They must have watched movies together. It was clear he was going to miss her. It was as if he was reaching out a scared little paw to me, a complete stranger, and saying with wide eyes, “friend?” I did my best to project to him that I would be a tolerant and friendly roommate.

There’s a good sized kitchen, small bathroom and tiny little study. I thought it was a little strange that their is no common area living room type area.

I’m losing external pressure to be social. The fact that I’m worrying about this isn’t a good sign.

I’ll probably try dating sites. I’ve never really dated. I’m 28 and have had a nine year relationship. My social circle is pathetic. I need to talk to more people, I need to tell stories and laugh with friends. This maybe more than anything is why I am breaking up. With ****** I turned into a lazy little social slug. She did all the work and I got a taste for being selfish with my time. School and work as excuses.

I need to get out there for the first time. Not having a girlfriend should motivate me to do that. It better.

So, things are weird. We’ve broken up but are still living in the same apartment until I can move into my new place. February 1st at the latest.

I feel anxious. She’s not here, she won’t eat supper with me now. Haha. What do I expect? I just hurt her deeply and I expect her to be happy to stick around and be with me?

She said through tears that her love for me was white pure. That hurts, that line will stick with me. I know I am throwing away something special. Something I won’t have with anyone else.

I don’t have anyone here to catch me. I am on my own and all my insecurities feel 100x magnified.

I feel scared.

It’s done.

I’ve broken up with ******.

Nine years.

My Master’s thesis research proposal is due tomorrow. It’s on oncolytic viruses. That’s also the plot of I Am Legend. Except I used vaccinia and not measles like Emma Thompson.

I feel so inhibited. I can’t express myself here even when no one is listening.

Have to write this thing. It’s good. I just need to finish it and this class will be wrapped up.

Alexisonfire – Watch out! is my best all time motivational album. I’m putting it on.

Fuck it.

I need to break up with ******. After this class is over I just need to do it. It’s going to be horrible and messy and disastrous but I just have to fucking do it.

I don’t know how. I’ve been getting in contact with the few non-****** related friends that I’ve still kept on the fringes in preparation. I’ll need the support. If I want to survive in my new job and finish this degree I need to get my shit together.

I’m not sound right now. I’m not right. Our relationship has changed me negatively. I probably need to meet someone to fix me before it’s too late. I wish I was less selfish. more thoughtful.

I’ve got to be compassionate but resolute.

I’m the only one in the Sever Hall library except for the librarian at the front. It’s dark outside. I’m having severe motivational problems today.

Why is my attention span so shot? I need to read more. Fuck, I need to improve my focus.

I’m such an unfocused lazy drifting mess.

Studying at Harvard. Working at MIT.

I’m fooling everyone.

So restless and frustrated. So I come here. Probably because it got me through before. But it’s not the same now.

I really want to start over.

January January January.

It’s over.

***********@gmail.com

If you can read this I would enjoy staying in touch. (Email’s become my primary mode of touching.)

A little epilogue:

October 2004 to April 2007. It was a total blur and an eternity at the same time. Hmmm. I like that. That should go on my tombstone. And I want a gargoyle perched on it too. Maybe holding an hourglass with a sad, thoughtful expression on his face. Like he’s pondering the wisdom and profundity of my statement, while at the same time mourning my loss.

Ok. Sidetracked already. Let me start again. So I started this page one October afternoon on campus in a big cavernous library. I felt kind of lonely. It was year seven of my extended undergraduate. My girlfriend was a three hour drive away in Buffalo. The many light friendships I had made at school evaporated as everyone else graduated, moved on, and away. I was working full time night shifts as a security guard and not loving computer science.

But I ground it out. And while I was grinding, I found time to write here. And I loved it. I made time out of my insane schedule and connected with people I don’t want to let go of. Being able to communicate with these people in a meaningful and fun way was extremely addictive. I was (and still am) a pretty quiet and socially uneasy guy. Being able to express myself here at my pace and convenience felt fantastic. Henry Thoreau wrote that capturing something in language is exerting ownership in the best and most complete way possible. A poet who passes through a farmer’s land and writes of it’s beauty now is connected to that farm in a way more wonderful and complete than the farmer ever will be. I am taking that to heart today. I am grateful that I captured this period of my life. It made it so much sweeter that a few eyes and hearts hopped on to keep me company for some of the ride.

I graduated and moved to Boston with ****** (Merle). I landed a job as an In Vitro laboratory technician working with cells all day. It’s what I needed. A start in a career and a role among a fun and dynamic young staff. I loved them too much and it really stung when my favorites quit.

Heidi (gratefullImhere) committed suicide. She was emailing me and I was crummy at responding. When I found out what she did it really shook me and left a scar of maturity.

****** found and read all of my page. It ripped us apart and brought us together at the same time. Maybe there should be a gargoyle perched over our apartment door. This one would be holding an hourglass and a sad, thoughtful expression too.

Superficially, things have been going well lately. I got a promotion to lab supervisor. I’m now a graduate student at Harvard. At 27, I’m still kind of young.

I still write. Now it’s in little tiny memo books that I keep in my pockets. I do it all the time and still love it.

But I miss you.

So I am tacking up this private, quiet goodbye. I hope you notice,

****** ***** ***** The Ancient Undergrad.

I have the urge to dismantle this motherfucker and start over.

But I never get to it. I’ve become a little too good at prioritization.

Dear *****,

What kind of music are you listening to lately? Let’s duel musical tastes!! I just downloaded the band, The Organ, song: “Brother” which inspired this email! I really like Broken Social Scenes and Magnetic Fields, you dig it? Email me back what you like, actual songs that arn’t terribly annoying, I guarantee I’m as busy as you but I still emailed you!

Hey,
What I meant to proposal was for you to compile a list of songs you particularly like, I’ll do the same and we’ll switch. Then you HAVE TO download the songs, so we can inform each others musical taste, rather then duel. I was just excited. I’m making mine for you to send off on a later date.

All right little sister. You definitely caught me at a vulnerable time, half way through writing an essay, and checking my email out of boredom. Yes I like Broken Social Scene. I don’t think I’ve heard Magnetic Fields. So. I don’t really pick and choose mixes anymore, much preferring the holistic complete album listen through experience, but I will indulge here. This isn’t my uber list of all time greatest super songs ever, but it’s a pretty good cross section of what I’ve been listening to lately, minus the upbeat club music and hip-hop stuff I workout to. Mostly it’s a lot of newish indie pop that annoys my more mainstream radio loving coworker, E*****, when I play it in the lab. Tonight I’ll probably take ****** out to an Italian restaurant in the North End of Boston and maybe see Black Snake Moan after. I need the break, been so busy lately. I’m taking a pair of courses towards my Masters degree and work has been way too hectic lately. Other than that, I’ve been reading Emily Dickinson and Walt Whitman stuff lately. They’re polar opposites and both brilliant.

Peter Bjorn and John – Young Folks
The Hidden Cameras – Awoo
The Kooks – Eddie’s Gun
The Shins – Red Rabbits
Thom Yorke – Black Swan
Belle And Sebastian – White Collar Boy
Pony Up! – The Truth About Cats and Dogs (Is that they die)

AM – Mainstay
Bon Savants – Post-Rock Defends The Nation
Gym Class Heroes – Cupid’s Chokehold
Lupe Fiasco – Kick, Push
The Decemberists – The Crane Wife 3
Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Phenomena
Camera Obscura – Lloyd I’m Ready To Be Heartbroken

Jose Gonzalez – Heartbeats

If you need a good torrent site besides oink, I’ve been using, http://btjunkie.org/ it’s registration free,

*****