So looks like Xanga is going to close huh. Too bad. I would have gladly kept posting a random note about my life every so often.
Should I try and archive this stuff? It only has nostalgic value. Whenever I read backwards my posts seem pretty stupid.
Maybe I’ll looking into opening another outlet now.
My favourite video game series is Fallout. It takes place in an alternative reality where there was a major nuclear war in the 50s. A few hundred years pass. Your character emerges out of an underground survival vault to discover the ruin and recovery of the human race. Post Apocalyptic, sad, violent, wonderful.
Xanga kind of gives me the same feeling as Fallout. Except more hopeless. Lol.
The doctor was just here. I’m going to get my third rabies shot in a few minutes. (All is fine, just precautionary). Fucking bat.
I felt demotivated today. Fuck.
The five-step procrastination solution*
1) Setup quickly in a well lighted room and close the door
2) Pull the blinds down on all the windows
3) Put a pen and blank piece of paper on the desk for notes as you work
4) Start up a Tangerine Dream Pandora station (so key)
5) Open your file(s) and begin
*only applies to writing/office projects.
The plot of back to the future 2 is a recurring fantasy of mine. Not the Marty Mcfly and Doc Brown stuff, I’m thinking of the Biff sub-plot where he goes back in time to convince a younger version of himself to use the Sports almanac to become rich. That’s a silly way to put it, but wouldn’t that be a fun dilemma? To have to convince a younger version of yourself to make better decisions, take advantage of your future knowledge?
“You bonehead! I can’t believe how much time you wasted in undergrad! What are you still doing here?!”
“Uhh, if I understand correctly whats going on…. don’t you want to share some advice and help us?”
“I only went back 10 years, this isn’t enough time!”
“You have nothing to tell me that will improve my next 10 years?”
“Fuck, I don’t know. You’re pretty happy during that time. I mean spending all this extra time in school sets you behind a lot of your peers career wise, but you come out a whole hell of a lot more rounded and interesting. This time of your life is awesome. Doing a seven year undergrad is an incredible luxury.”
“Hmmm. Cool. That’s good news I guess. So how does it feel to be finally out of school and only have a regular job to focus on?”
“Ahhhh yeah…… actually I’m still not exactly done with school.”
“What. Are you kidding me? I’m still not done at 33?”
“Yeah… But we’re so close. The Masters thesis is due this month and its mostly written.”
“Jesus fucking Christ”
Chris Hardwick has a joke about his old myspace page. He says it’s turned into a bad neighbourhood, kind of like Robocop’s Detroit. Graffiti on his wall. A picture of Tom with a scraggly beard and surrounded by jars of pee. I laughed.
Xanga doesn’t feel so much like Robocop’s Detroit. More like an abandoned playground. The vibe isn’t dangerous or violent. It’s just quiet and eerie. All the people I used to check in on and read are gone, yet the list is still at the left of my page. Each person is frozen at a different moment of time. People that don’t exist anymore because they have gone on to live and change. It’s as if the people I knew here were yanked out of this reality and spun off into some other universe.
Except the one that died. That’s a disquieting page. Just frozen there with a bunch of pictures from 2005.
When I’m alone at home I always find myself back here. I didn’t think I would be the last one.
I’m in turmoil and that’s good. It’s temporary and intense because its deadline driven. Unfortunately, great accomplishments don’t occur when you’re happy and content. When you’re happy the years fly away and then you’re constantly having “fuck me, I’m 33” moments. When there’s tremendous stress in your life, you’re simultaneously experiencing every supremely stressful time of your life that occurred beforehand. But all those gloriously miserably times are the ones most often followed by greatness. It’s 4:21 am and time to pull another rabbit out of the hat.
2013.
WTF.
Wasn’t It just 1992? Wasn’t i just in grade 8 wondering how unfathomable life would be this far in the future? Wasn’t I just falling into a deep crush on 13 year old Cher because she seemed so edgy and sophisticated for listening to NIN at lunch on a CD and wearing sexy boots to school? Wasn’t I just worrying about fitting in at high school?
Seriously. WTF.
I’m in my 30s. I own a motherfucking house. I have a fiancé. I look like a grown ass man.
I hate that my life is burning away so quickly. I hate it because I love life too much.
The Ancient Undergrad 