Procrastination

I have zero passion for immunology. This is a recurring thought.

I want a do-over. I want to go back and talk to 14 year old me. I think that’s the youngest I could go and have myself actually listen.

“Hey *****. Forget this science stuff. I know you’re pretty good at it right now, but it’s not the way to go. Scientists have to live and breathe this shit if they are going to be relevant. If you want to do science well, you can’t have a life. Maybe some can, but you can’t, you’re just not going to ever be that into it.

Let’s take another path. I don’t think striving to be a sports star would be any different. Maybe you could make it to the minor leagues in hockey if you work your ass off, but I doubt we would make the big show. Let’s try something else. We tried programming, that’s not our thing. You love wildlife. You love music.

Forget that though. Let’s make money with minimal effort. Go into business. Get a fucking MBA from a good school. This should be cake. You’re good at math and have good grades. You’ll feel guilty making a fortune off of the backs of the poor, but everyone does this in the first world anyway.

Sure you won’t be working on curing cancer and diabetes (which is where you are going to end up if you keep going this way), but you can have a fat bank account, and won’t be a second rate scientist for the rest of your life.

Oh, and loosen up. Open your eyes and stop being so fucking shy. You have a ton of people that like you in this high school. If you weren’t so goddamn scared of everyone and hiding all the time, you would get laid before you go to college. And when you get to college, go to the library every fucking day. Not just on the three days before every exam.

To recap, forget the science and programming. Make money. Loosen up.

Look what I made.

I made the red one while watching the Oscars. I made the yellow one tonight while listening to music. They’re felt.

I’m still trying to figure out why I made them. I think I need to get laid. This is strange behavior.

I am so tired of being a student.

I am lucky to be one though.

I am intelligent but completely unfocused and scatterbrained.

So maybe I’m really an idiot.

just a random email i sent that wont make much sense. a little slice of my life.

Hi E****,
Good to hear things are going well with you. 🙂 A nice surprise on a day that was otherwise pretty shitty. I totally bombed in my lab presentation this morning with weak results. ahhhhhh this week dragged on forever. I was exhausted today because last night I had a hall of fame date. I took this girl to a poetry slam in the basement of the Cantab. That part was a ton of fun. But the best part was the end in the car when we were saying goodbye. I went to kiss her on the cheek, and she went for my lips, and it was total awkward collision and mortifying. There are certain moments of dating that are just so uncomfortable and ridiculous. Now I don’t even feel like seeing her again after that embarrassing disaster. I should be writing this poor girl to reassure her. I kind of dig her.

Well, anyway. Good luck moving in. With the right person, that can be wonderful. I hope he’s a a good dude. More good luck on the Biology of Cancer. That was a good class. I think on one of the tests I lost half a point on the Ames question. I was sooooo pissed off. How DARE they! I’m Mr. Motherfucking Ames. Ahhhh. Can you tell I’ve been drinking wine? Anyway, good night E****. I actually thought of you yesterday too. It was because I was looking at google maps and street view and thought, “E**** might have dated the guy who took this picture.” So maybe that sent a shock through the Universe culminating in me getting an email from you for the first time in a few months. Wonderful. 🙂
Goodnight again,
  *****

A beautiful song:

Attack In Black – Now That I’m Dying

… actually the whole album is great if your tired, alone, and unmotivated spacey. 

I have decided on my favorite albums of 2008 – not in any particular order. Just 13 albums that I absolutely love.

(1) Black Kids – Partie Traumatic
(2) Vampire Weekend – Vampire Weekend
(3) Hawksley Workman – Los Manlicious
(4) Tokyo Police Club – Elephant Shell
(5)  Fleet Foxes – Fleet Foxes
(6) Girl Talk – Feed The Animals
(7) Human Highway – Moody Motorcycle
(8) Lykke Li – Youth Novels
(9) Oasis – Dig Out Your Soul
(10) The Raconteurs – Consolers of the Lonely
(11) Sam Roberts – Love At The End Of The World
(12) Santogold – Santogold
(13) Stars – In Our Bedroom After The War

Five women from my online dating site chose to write me emails today. Completely out of the blue. Actual solicitous emails, and not crappy little e-winks, like I usually get.

In the past year, I’ve had this happen maybe six times. Now five in one day? Plus I was offered a job as a video game developer, even though I haven’t had my resume up on monster in over a year.

Seriously, what the hell?

Bill Simmons, an ESPN sportswriter, wrote an article about losing his dog that’s worth reading. 

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/090122

Kyla surprise called me yesterday. She’s a girl I have written to a few times on match.com after her initial contact. I had already dismissed her in my head, but she called unexpectedly.

We talked about music, books, a little bit of movies. Bruce the Shark. Some fantasy books. Sci fi. Working for Christmas. Her cats. I was bored during the conversation. I’m bored writing about it.

In moments when I’m bored, I should just go for it. Explain what I’m looking for in a very raw way. Describe my situation honestly. Why can’t I vocalize this to another person in real time?

January is my music month. My taste is heavily slanted towards indie rock/pop with choice selections from other genres. To facilitate “best of” obsessives with similar tastes as myself, here I present the albums/tracks of 2008 worth exploring. I have five main sources.

(1) Pitchfork Media – Their love of shitting on the mainstream turns me off, yet they always uncover new jewels.
(2) CBC Radio 3 – The Canadian music scene is so incredible. Consult this list to find some amazing, amazing music that none of your friends have heard of. Trust me.
(3) WERS Radio – Great Emerson College radio station.
(4) Spin Magazine – I’ve begrudgingly accepted that almost always what I like, they like.
(5) Rolling Stone – The last resource to round out the collection with some major releases I may have missed.

Top 50 Pitchfork 2008

50     Ponytail – Ice Cream Spiritual
49     Crystal Stilts – Alight of Night
48     High Places – High Places
47     The Tallest Man on Earth – Shallow Grave
46     Beach House – Devotion
45     Lykke Li – Youth Novels
44     Marnie Stern – This Is It and I Am It and You Are It and So..
43     Shearwater – Rook
42     Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy – Lie Down in the Light
41     David Byrne and Brian Eno – Everything That Happens Will Happen Today
40     The Very Best – Esau Mwamwaya & Radioclit are the Very Best
39     Times New Viking – Rip It Off
38     The Bug – London Zoo
37     Grouper – Dragging a Dead Deer Up a Hill
36     Wale – The Mixtape About Nothing
35     Girl Talk – Feed the Animals
34     Arthur Russell – Love Is Overtaking Me
33     Frightened Rabbit – Midnight Organ Fight
32     Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds – Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!!
31     Fennesz – Black Sea
30     Los Campesinos! – Hold on Now, Youngster…
29     The Hold Steady – Stay Positive
28     Flying Lotus – Los Angeles
27     Max Tundra – Parallax Error Beheads You
26     Atlas Sound – Let the Blind Lead Those Who Can See But Cannot Feel
25     Titus Andronicus – The Airing of Grievances
24     Gang Gang Dance – Saint Dymphna
23     Hot Chip – Made in the Dark
22     Santogold – Santogold
21     Kanye West – 808s and Heartbreak
20     Fuck Buttons – Street Horrrsing
19     The Walkmen – You & Me
18     The Mae Shi – HLLLYH
17     Fucked Up – The Chemistry of Common Life
16     Vivian Girls – Vivian Girls
15     Crystal Castles – Crystal Castles
14     Air France – No Way Down
13     Erykah Badu – New Amerykah Part One (4th World War)
12     Lindstrøm – Where You Go I Go Too
11     Lil Wayne – Tha Carter III
10     DJ/rupture – Uproot
09     Hercules and Love Affair – Hercules and Love Affair
08     M83 – Saturdays=Youth
07     Vampire Weekend – Vampire Weekend
06     TV on the Radio – Dear Science
05     Deerhunter – Microcastle / Weird Era Cont.
04     Cut Copy – In Ghost Colours
03     No Age – Nouns
02     Portishead – Third
01     Fleet Foxes – Sun Giant EP/Fleet Foxes

CBC Radio 3 – Top 103 tracks of 2008 (find the albums yourself!)

1 Tokyo Police Club – Tessellate
2 Chad Van Gaalen – Willow Tree
3 Cadence Weapon – In Search Of The Youth Crew
4 Black Mountain – Stormy High
5 Kathleen Edwards – The Cheapest Key
6 Crystal Castles – Black Panther
7 Wolf Parade – Call it a Ritual
8 Stars – 14 Forever
9 Holy F*ck – Milkshake
10 Sam Roberts – Them Kids
11 Shad – The Old Prince Still Lives At Home
12 The Constantines – Our Age
13 Hayden – Where and When
14 Islands – The Arm
15 Sloan – Believe in Me
16 Elliott Brood – Without Again
17 Born Ruffians – I Need a Life
18 Plants and Animals – Bye Bye Bye
19 Destroyer – The State
20 Corb Lund Band – Horse Soldier, Horse Soldier
21 Mother Mother – Body of Years
22 Ladyhawk – I Don’t Always Know What You’re Saying
23 Jason Collett – Out of Time
24 Christine Fellows – The Spinster’s Almanac
25 The Stills – Eastern Europe
26 Hawksley Workman – Piano Blink
27 Hey Rosetta! – Red Heart
28 Human Highway – The Sound
29 Cuff the Duke – If I Live Or if I Die
30 Women – Black Rice
31 Woodhands – Dancer
32 Laura Barrett – Wood Between Worlds
33 Matt Mays and El Torpedo – Rock Ranger Record
34 The Dears – Money Babies
35 Danny Michel – Feather, Fur and Fin
36 Metric – Help, I’m Alive
37 Sebastian Grainger and the Mountains – American Names
38 Attack in Black – Sparrow
39 Wendy McNeill – Crossing Hearts / Cutting Threads
40 The D’Urbervilles – Dragnet
41 Luke Doucet – Blood’s Too Rich
42 Sweatshop Union – Time Machine
43 The Evaporators – Gassy Jack
44 Brendan Canning – Churches Under the Stairs
45 Will Currie and the Country French – Suprising Me
46 Jane Vain and the Dark Matter – C’mon Baby, Say Bang Bang
47 Snailhouse – Not Superstitious
48 Sandro Perri – Family Tree
49 Winter Gloves – Factories
50 Fembots – Good Days
51 Land of Talk – Young Bridge
52 Martha Wainwright – Bleeding All Over You
53 Bend Sinister – The Same Things
54 Final Fantasy – The Butcher
55 Young Rival – Your Island
56 The Pack AD – Blackout
57 Ohbijou – Tender Bones
58 The Wet Secrets – Hot Roller
59 Dragon Fli Empire – CGY
60 Forest City Lovers – Don’t Go
61 Novillero – Life in Parenthises
62 Matthew Barber – I’m Going to Settle My Accounts…
63 Duchess Says – AEAE
64 The Awkward Stage – Hey Modern Schoolgirl
65 Kara Keith – Kick this City
66 No Kids – For Halloween
67 King Khan and the Shrines – Torture
68 Major Maker – I’m In Love
69 The Summerlad – City of Noise
70 Library Voices – Step Off the Map and Float
71 Hexes and Ohs – Looking to Fight
72 Kate Maki – Blue Morning
73 Hilotrons – Emergency Street
74 NQ Arbuckle – Postcard from Princess
75 Adam and the Amethysts – Stupid Ocean
76 Ghostkeeper – Mr. No Show
77 Agnostic Mountain Gospel Choir – Go Back Home
78 Woodpigeon – Piano Pieces for Adult Beginners
79 Ruby Coast – More than Television
80 Veda Hille – Luckylucky
81 The Telepathic Butterflies – Sign of the Times
82 Jon McKiel – War On You
83 Pony Da Look – Flatlands
84 Justin Rutledge – Greenwich Time
85 Creature – Pop Culture
86 Ron Sexsmith – Ghost of a Chance
87 The Violet Archers – Sunshine at night
88 Revival Dear – Ol’s in the water
89 Angela Desveaux – Sure Enough
90 Les Dales Hawerchuk – Le reel du p’tit minou
91 Blood Meridian – The burning river of guilt
92 Old Man Luedecke – Proof of Love
93 The Buttless Chaps – Coal Grey Sky
94 Boxer the Horse – Boneyard
95 Arkells – Oh, The Boss is Coming!
96 Brian Borcherdt – While I Was Asleep
97 Gonzales – Working Together
98 Jill Barber – Oh My My
99 Blind Tiger Tiger – Pastor Haggard
100 Graham Wright – When I Get There
101 The High Dials – The Holy Ground
102 Fred Eaglesmith – Sweet Corn
103 The Bicycles – Oh No, It’s Love

Top 50 WERS 2008 Albums

1 Vampire Weekend Vampire Weekend
2 Bon Iver For Emma Forever Ago
3 Fleet Foxes Fleet Foxes
4 Radiohead In Rainbows
5 She and Him Volume One
6 Beck Modern Guilt
7 Coldplay Viva La Vida
8 Death Cab For Cutie Narrow Stairs
9 Dr. Dog Fate
10 My Morning Jacket Evil Urges
11 Conor Oberst Conor Oberst
12 David Byrne and Brian Eno Everything That Happens Will Happen Today
13 Sigur Ros Með suð í eyrum við spilum endalaust
14 Black Keys Attack & Release
15 Ra Ra Riot The Rhumb Line
16 Jenny Lewis Acid Tongue
17 The Raconteurs Consolers of the Lonely
18 Ryan Adams and the Cardinals Cardinology
19 TV on the Radio Dear Science,
20 Thao We Brave Bee Stings And All
21 MGMT Oracular Spectacular
22 Ingrid Michaelson Be OK
23 Calexico Carried To Dust
24 Okkervil River The Stand Ins
25 Cat Power Jukebox
26 M83 Saturdays=Youth
27 Adele 19
28 Stephen Malkmus and the Jicks Real Emotional Trash
29 Sia Some People Have Real Problems
30 Ray LaMontagne Gossip In The Grain
31 Delta Spirit Ode To Sunshine
32 Department of Eagles In Ear Park
33 Kate Nash Made of Bricks
34 Jamie Lidell Jim
35 Ben Folds Way To Normal
36 Brett Dennen Hope For The Hopeless
37 Blitzen Trapper Furr
38 Portishead Third
39 The Hold Steady Stay Positive
40 Devotchka A Mad And Faithful Telling
41 The Walkmen You and Me
42 Lykke Li Youth Novels
43 Eli “Paperboy” Reed Roll With You
44 Aimee Mann Smilers
45 The Submarines Honeysuckle Weeks
46 Juliana Hatfield How To Walk away
47 Santogold Santogold
48 Duffy Rockferry
49 Elvis Costello and the Imposters Momofuku
50 Jolie Holland The Living and Dead

Top 40 Spin Magazine Albums

40     CHAIRLIFT –                 DOES YOU INSPIRE YOU
39     GUNS N’ ROSES –                 CHINESE DEMOCRACY
38     OASIS –                     DIG OUT YOUR SOUL
37     WOLF PARADE –                 AT MOUNT ZOOMER
36     LYKKE LI –                 YOUTH NOVELS
35     THE RACONTEURS –             CONSOLERS OF THE LONELY
34     MILES BENJAMIN ANTHONY ROBINSON –     MILES BENJAMIN ANTHONY ROBINSON
33    EL GUINCHO –                 ALEGRANZA
32     THE GUTTER TWINS –             SATURNALIA
31     BON IVER –                 FOR EMMA, FOREVER AGO
30     LUCINDA WILLIAMS –             LITTLE HONEY
29     NAS & DJ GREEN LANTERN –         THE NIGGER TAPE
28    METALLICA –                 DEATH MAGNETIC
27     THE STREETS –                 EVERYTHING IS BORROWED
26     R.E.M. –                     ACCELERATE
25     DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE  –             NARROW STAIRS
24     DUFFY –                     ROCKFERRY
23     KATE NASH –                 MADE OF BRICKS
22     BLACK KIDS –                 PARTIE TRAUMATIC
21     KINGS OF LEON –                 ONLY BY THE NIGHT
20     GNARLS BARKLEY –             THE ODD COUPLE
19     OKKERVIL RIVER –             THE STAND INS
18     NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS –         DIG!!! LAZARUS DIG!!!
17     THE ROOTS –                 RISING DOWN
16    MY MORNING JACKET –             EVIL URGES
15     BECK –                     MODERN GUILT
14     VAMPIRE WEEKEND –             VAMPIRE WEEKEND
13     NO AGE –                 NOUNS
12     ERYKAH BADU –                 NEW AMERYKAH PT. 1: 4TH WORLD WAR
11     ELBOW –                 THE SELDOM SEEN KID
10     MGMT –                     ORACULAR SPECTACULAR
9     COLDPLAY –                 VIVA LA VIDA
8     HOT CHIP –                 MADE IN THE DARK
7     DEERHUNTER –                 MICROCASTLE
6     SANTOGOLD –                 SANTOGOLD
5     FLEET FOXES –                 FLEET FOXES
4     FUCKED UP –                 THE CHEMISTRY OF COMMON LIFE
3     PORTISHEAD –                 THIRD
2     LIL WAYNE –                 THA CARTER III
1     TV ON THE RADIO –             DEAR SCIENCE

Top 50 2008 Rolling Stone Albums

1 | TV on the Radio: Dear Science
2 | Bob Dylan: Tell Tale Signs — The Bootleg
Series Vol. 8
3 | Lil Wayne: Tha Carter III
4 | My Morning Jacket: Evil Urges
5 | John Mellencamp: Life, Death, Love
and Freedom
6 | Santogold: Santogold
7 | Coldplay: Viva la Vida or
Death and All His Friends
8 | Beck: Modern Guilt
9 | Metallica: Death Magnetic
10 | Vampire Weekend: Vampire Weekend
11 | Fleet Foxes: Fleet Foxes
12 | Guns n’ Roses: Chinese Democracy
13 | Blitzen Trapper: Furr
14 | Ryan Adams and the Cardinals: Cardinology
15 | The Black Keys: Attack & Release
16 | Randy Newman: Harps and Angels
17 | B.B. King: One Kind Favor
18 | Lucinda Williams: Little Honey
19 | Erykah Badu: New Amerykah: Part 1
(4th World War)
20 | Kings of Leon: Only by the Night
21 | Kaiser Chiefs: Off With Their Heads
22 | Jackson Browne: Time the Conquerer
23 | Conor Oberst: Conor Oberst
24 | Girl Talk: Feed the Animals
25 | The Magnetic Fields: Distortion
26 | Mudcrutch: Mudcrutch
27 | Brian Wilson: That Lucky Old Sun
28 | The Knux: Remind Me in Three Days…
29 | Bon Iver: For Emma, Forever Ago
30 | Duffy: Rockferry
31 | MGMT: Oracular Spectacular
32 | Jamey Johnson: The Lonesome Song
33 | Ne-Yo: Year of the Gentleman
34 | Stephen Malkmus: Real Emotional Trash
35 | Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds: Dig,
Lazarus, Dig!!!
36 | The Hold Steady: Stay Positive
37 | Nine Inch Nails: The Slip
38 | Ra Ra Riot: The Rhumb Line
39 | Taylor Swift: Fearless
40 | Jonas Brothers: A Little Bit Longer
41 | AC/DC: Black Ice
42 | David Byrne and Brian Eno: Everything
That Happens Will Happen Today
43 | Nas: Untitled
44 | The Raconteurs: Consolers of the Lonely
45 | Be Your Own Pet: Get Awkward
46 | The Academy Is…: Fast Times at Barrington High
47 | Of Montreal: Skeletal Lamping
48 | Raphael Saadiq: The Way I See It
49 | Hot Chip: Made in the Dark
50 | No Age: Nouns