My Ex-girlfriend, ***** came back to read my page. My last public post is an honest letter to her about how I feel toward her now. I wrote it because I feel bad about the taint our breakup left on my memories of our problematic, but loving relationship. I don’t want any sort of future relationship with *****. I am very happy with Claw, we are a much better match than ***** and I ever were. I just wanted ***** and I to remember each other fondly. I can’t stand the thought of someone I loved cringing when remembering me.

I had sent the last communication. A card communicating the above thought to her. I never received any indication she ever received it. I thought she had possibly moved away. So I didn’t send anything else. No email, no letters, nothing. It nagged at me that she may not have ever seen my card. I pictured her boyfriend intercepting it. I pictured her trashing it the instant she saw it was from me.

So a lot of time passed. The better part of a year. I still think about her. She is attached to so many memories. The stubborn reasonable part of me refused to initiate any further communication with her. I was getting the cold shoulder. I am no stalker, I don’t hard sell. If you reject me, I won’t try and win you over. It’s your loss. However…..

I wrote a signpost here for her. I believed that someday she would revisit this page. If she seeked me out, if she initiated, if she showed some shred of a sign that she remembers me, then she would have my letter.

So she emailed me about it. She has moved on. She is engaged. She wishes me well. She doesn’t want me to write again.

This is all I wanted. I feel content. I want her to be happy. I want her husband to treat her well. But most of all, I wanted her to know I still care about her.

I’m legitimately angry at my girlfriend for the first time tonight. She’s in the shower, I’m on the chair in the hotel room not knowing how to react.

I feel partially at fault.

I should just tell her honestly how I feel when she gets out of the shower.

We are in Chicago. She has an old girlfriend she has known about 15 Years longer than me. We went out to have some famous Chicago food downtown.

It started out well. Then I was cut out of the conversation. I zoned out because they had so much backstory that they fell into, while I was quietly excluded. Her friend gossipped at a rapid pace. Gf, indulged her, contributing less. I felt nonexistent. I felt angry that I was completely excluded. I feel angry that gf didn’t have the foresight to leave me out of the reunion if they were just going to reminisce for 4 hours while I did my best to politely sit at the table and not look completely bored out of my mind. I am mad that gf didn’t recognize this and do something to help me out. Ask me how Im doing. Ask if I wanted to get out there.

The worst was that I asked beforehand if I should be included or not. I don’t know if my anger is justified or not.

Everyone leaves traces online. It makes it difficult to forget people.

P.S. I’m thirty now.

I’m in a strange mood.

No I’m not. Restlessness is so so so familiar.

I feel like I’m losing the ability to write honestly. To think honestly.

Claw loves me so much. She has fallen for me hard. And how do I feel?………..

sajfdkjflkdjfadoifjoeijfgoisdjvdflbnsdfbnkdfjbnsfkdjbnskdlfjbnjkdfbnkdfjbnksdfjbnfjknrtifubwrtbnkrtnr

I changed my mind. I don’t agree with that last entry.

I really wish this was a better place to write… but it isn’t.

Too many in your face features. Most of the time I just want a simple place to write.

Xanga originally did this well. It offered people a way to write within an online community without having to create their own webpages, or deal with servers, or html code, etc. It eliminated the need to deal with all the techy aspects of sharing your own writing on the internet. This was, and still is a good concept.

But they screwed it up. And I don’t need to waste my time telling you how.

In my head Xanga is coming full circle. It’s so old that it’s becoming cool again.

I didn’t enjoy the phase where it was bloating itself with too many features. It got stuffed and over saturated with unwieldy controls and settings. It was like an old man trying to look young and hip by getting plastic surgery, a toupee, and some shades.

but now….

time has passed…
the odd user unfriendly controls are eccentric and kind of charming…
the obscurity of the site is appealing….

I may be back………

but under the surface of course.

I’m enjoying Camera Obscura’s new album.

Hi!

So your birthday and Father’s Day just passed and I still haven’t acknowledged them. Sorry!!

I have been doing well lately. I’ve been involved with some great research at my job. My company is in a race with another one to develop a biological drug for type one diabetes. We think we’re in the lead, but who knows? I’m not sure how much longer I’ll stay with this company, but I am happy, and will continue with them and taking classes

For fun lately I’ve been watching a lot of movies. I’ve been watching a lot of horror movies. Drag Me To Hell was great, I’m sure you probably saw that one. The Mist was another good one. Tonight after writing these cards, I’ll probably watch Death Race 2000 with David Carradine and Sly Stallone. 1975! Old!

I’ve been dating a girl named Claw for three months now.

2025 me here: Claw becomes my wife in 2014, and we are happily married. 

Moist panties.

Ointment.

Vomit. Slacks.

http://www.boingboing.net/2009/05/19/moist-and-other-word.html#comments

Xanga now depresses me every time I explore it.

My subscription panel on the left side of the page is a graveyard. I don’t even think I can change that panel anymore. It makes me feel like an old man. Kalligenia, reyrey12, wonderplum are still alive, everyone else hasn’t updated in ages. And GratefulImHere actually is dead.

Using Xanga feels like trudging through a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Abandoned pages, once loved, are everywhere. Writing my little protected posts feels like whispering in the darkness. Such a downer.