So, things are weird. We’ve broken up but are still living in the same apartment until I can move into my new place. February 1st at the latest.

I feel anxious. She’s not here, she won’t eat supper with me now. Haha. What do I expect? I just hurt her deeply and I expect her to be happy to stick around and be with me?

She said through tears that her love for me was white pure. That hurts, that line will stick with me. I know I am throwing away something special. Something I won’t have with anyone else.

I don’t have anyone here to catch me. I am on my own and all my insecurities feel 100x magnified.

I feel scared.

It’s done.

I’ve broken up with ******.

Nine years.

My Master’s thesis research proposal is due tomorrow. It’s on oncolytic viruses. That’s also the plot of I Am Legend. Except I used vaccinia and not measles like Emma Thompson.

I feel so inhibited. I can’t express myself here even when no one is listening.

Have to write this thing. It’s good. I just need to finish it and this class will be wrapped up.

Alexisonfire – Watch out! is my best all time motivational album. I’m putting it on.

Fuck it.

I need to break up with ******. After this class is over I just need to do it. It’s going to be horrible and messy and disastrous but I just have to fucking do it.

I don’t know how. I’ve been getting in contact with the few non-****** related friends that I’ve still kept on the fringes in preparation. I’ll need the support. If I want to survive in my new job and finish this degree I need to get my shit together.

I’m not sound right now. I’m not right. Our relationship has changed me negatively. I probably need to meet someone to fix me before it’s too late. I wish I was less selfish. more thoughtful.

I’ve got to be compassionate but resolute.