I’m having a hard time adjusting to being single.

My roommate went back home for a week. I am alone in our apartment for the first time tonight.

This breakup is changing my perspectives.

I feel drunk. I feel restless. I feel my motivation to write here slip away as I can’t articulate the way that I wish I could.

I wish I had someone to sleep in my bed with me tonight.

I’ve had one date post-big breakup.

Coffee shop after work.

She was cute, a little short with very high energy. She talked in a fast, and booming voice.

I couldn’t keep pace. I’m too low key. I didn’t offer enough interesting conversation. It went on too long, over two hours.

I didn’t do anything to bring us together. Maybe I wasn’t really interested. Too passive.

It takes time to get to know me… how am I supposed to get past the first date?

I am so incredibly rusty. Maybe it was always rust.

I’m trying again this week with someone else.

I finished a novel that I loved this afternoon. Gun, with occasional music by Jonathan Lethem.

I felt bittersweet after reading the last page. That’s an indication that it was right up my alley. I didn’t want to let go of the protagonist, the world, the story.

It had animals fast-evolved to have IQs near human levels, filling menial jobs. Drugs were commonplace with specific effects. Forgettol, Acceptol, Addictol. Everone had karma levels that were monitored. It was sci fi but didn’t feel like it. It just a detective story set in the future. Gritty and vibrant. I loved it.

I had a hard conversation with ****** on the phone today. Ending this relationship is incredibly painful.

Hi fellow Canadian! It’s really amazing how many Canadians chose to live in Boston 🙂

I am totally up for getting together, but I usually don’t have enough time to take a lunch at work. I work at a tech company and it’s pretty tight with getting everything you need to get done in a day done. Not that I am a workaholic, it’s that if I take lunch then I end up leaving work way too late 😉

Did you want to maybe meet up for a coffee after work or something? That might be a bit easier. I don’t think I have anything going on on Wednesday if that works for you.

– Crystal

All right Crystal, that’s great!

Wednesday after work is a pretty good time for me. My night classes are on Tuesdays. I just liked the lunch idea because I try to find excuses to have Indian lunch buffet. 🙂

I work on campus at MIT technology square, in between Kendall and Central square. There are about a billion coffee shops in the area. I’ve only been working in Cambridge for about three months though, so maybe you have a better idea of where to try. I have a flexible schedule, an ancient car and knowledge of how to use the T, so I don’t mind coming to a place more convenient for you? Hope to see you soon,
*****

(1) 8:30am, sitting glumly before a company presentation, turning to a coworker, “So how are the mice doing?” “We’ve only got one good male. I’ve been rotating him with fifteen females.” “Lucky guy.” “No kidding.”

(2) 9:15am in the lab talking with Dave, a senior scientist when Rehka, a cute and smiley lab technician pops up and asks, “so are you free today?” Dave, “What? Are you asking him out? Haha should I leave?” Rehka smiles and turns away with unmistakable body language.

(3) Late afternoon, chit chatting with a temp who works in the lab and plays semi-pro football on the side. Receive an invite to his football team booze cruise. The unlikeliness meter rockets off the scale due to obvious personality mismatch, and potential for unintentional comedy.

(4) After work, at grocery store before night class. Trader Joe’s, natural and organic shopping. Motown on the speakers makes me smile. Eye contact with apple lady. Innocent smile lewdly returned with a head to toe look. Left feeling like vulnerable school boy. Proceeding on to get my spinach, James Brown starts playing. Young woman blurts out, “Gettin funky now.” Starts almost-dancing and smiles. Another stupid grin on face, another returned smile near the wine. Checking out. The name tag says Aly. She’s nerdy and cute. ID’d for the wine! Whip out the beautiful Ontario license. Flirty conversation precipitated.

(5) At night class. About to be split into groups that are stuck with each other for the next 12 weeks or so. Names are put on the overhead. Walk over to my team table near the front of the class. Six women sit down around me. Well dressed, professional, scientific, intelligent, and very attractive .Turn and look around at the rest of the class. All the other groups are mostly male. Turn back, make eye contact with the TA. She smiles and shrugs. Give out cute minicards that have beautiful wildlife pictures completely taking up on side, contact info on the other side. Agree to weekly meetings in Cambridge. Prof says, “Ok, now let’s take group pictures. Group one, come on.”

Can’t wait to see the expression on my face in that picture.

It’s a string of events like this that make it hard to remain a firm agnostic. I imagine a dialogue between benevolent but mischievous entities along the lines of: “Hey look what’s going on with *****! He FINALLY broke up with ******!!” “But he’s not doing anything to meet anyone new!” “Hey, yeah! He definitely needs a push!” “Let’s hit him so that he’s got enough to suspect something is going on, but just not enough to believe that it couldn’t be due to coincidence.” “Hahahaha. yes! This’ll be a blast! I love the way this guy reacts to this stuff.”

It was only with end of the day hindsight that I saw all the little threads wind together at the end of an exhausting Tuesday. Seemingly minor events seemed so significant. This happens too often! It ties me in knots and makes me giddy. I apologize if I’m throwing extra meaning into the mundane.

I’ve been in the Boston area for about three years so I’m still exploring New England. I’m originally from a small city in Northwestern Ontario, on the north shore of Lake Superior. I love nature and wildlife. I really miss that connection if it goes too long without getting back.

Since I’ve moved to Boston I’ve fallen out of playing my sports a bit but am looking to get back in. Golf, hockey, softball, running, weightlifting, kayaking, hiking, swimming, roller blading, cycling, skiing are all things I enjoy and wish I was doing more of right now. I’m a casual sports fan and enjoy watching in person but not so much on TV. I love watching good movies and quality TV series though.

My favorite ten movies (at this exact moment) are: High Fidelity, Spirited Away, Fight Club, The Sword In The Stone, Return of The Living Dead, The Godfather, Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind, The Secret of Nimh, Howl’s Moving Castle.
TV series that I love(d): The Wire, Futurama, The Simpsons, Last Exile, The Sopranos, The X-Files, Cowboy Bebop
Music: Spin Magazine is a good barometer of what I’m probably listening to right now. Scrolling through my ipod at this instant (complete albums only) is AC Newman, Air, Arcade Fire, Arctic Monkeys, Band of Horses, Bat For Lashes, The Beta Band, BRMC, Bon Savants, Bonde Do Role, Bright Eyes, Broken Social Scene, Brother Ali, Bruce Springstein, Camera Obscura, Crystal Method,… ahh you get the idea. Indie pop, alternative rock, some hip hop, trip hop and dance. I think I need to put some motown on.

I’m fairly well read. This is something I wish I did more of. Quality reading, and less of the online fragmented style. Books I love include Ishmael by Daniel Quinn, Snow Crash by Neil Stephenson, The Dream of a Ridiculous Man by Dostoevsky (more of an essay, but beautiful), Eye of The World by Robert Jordan, Stumbling Into Happiness by Daniel Gilbert, Lord of The Rings, Freakonomics by by Levitt and Dubner, Macbeth, The Sacred Balance by David Suzuki, The World According to Garp by John Irving, A Deepness In The Sky by Verner Vinge. I can carry on a conversation regarding the transcendentalists and existentialists as well.

Online I look at boingboing.net, woot. No myspace page, although I love writing privately and to friends. My drawers and pockets are littered with little composition books filled with my thoughts, maps and occasional drawings. One of my favorite things is writing in small notebooks.

I work as a research scientist in Cambridge. I enjoy it and feel I’m set on my career path. I am also working towards a MA in Biotech, one course at a time through night classes at Harvard. My schedule can be busy but isn’t full.

There is a lot this small profile doesn’t convey about myself. Even though I’ve been a relationship for most of my adult life, I’m pretty inexperienced at dating. I don’t have a gameplan or anything, I’m just looking to meet and make new friends and “romantic partners” in a fun and low pressure way.  If you are interested let me know…

Today I completed the CSS behavioral style survey test.

The results were completely predictable.

Under favorable conditions I scored highest as an “Intuitor” with “Feeler” close behind. Intuitors have a behavioural focus of imagination, theory, envisioning speculation. Their comfort zone is unstructured creative tasks, discovering “why”, using imagination. Their dress preference is colour blends and “unpredictable”. Under positive conditions I scored lowest on “Sensor”, people with a behavioural focus of doing, competing, getting results. Their comfort zone is concrete tasks, practical situations, goal-oriented simplicity. Their dress preference is bright, hot colors and “functional”.

but

Under stress conditions my whole behavioural axis changes. “Thinker” scores mega high. Thinkers behavioural focus is structure, logic, organization, problem solving. Their comfort zone is analytical tasks, data collection, logical comparisons, weighing data, forcasting consequences.  They dress conservative and in cool colours. “Sensor” rockets up from almost nothing to second place and my “Feeler” score plummets.

So when I’m happy I’m creative and unstructured. A pioneering spirit. Secondly, I focus on expression, human interaction and projecting feelings. I’m also terrible at completing anything. But… when I’m stressed I become a little underground troll shutting the world off completely to formulate and execute my do or die battle plan.

Thanks Dr. Mok, but I already knew that.

Today I let my parents know that I broke up with ******. I called from the lab. Everyone took off early because its Friday afternoon and there was a snowstorm as well. I like talking to people from our large empty lab. Maybe because it’s my little zone of order and logic. Home is my zone of sloth and sleep.

My mom was supportive and positive. My dad was bummed out. I think I expected the opposite.

After the conversation I walked home ruminating on my dads reaction. It makes sense I suppose. He has two children. I’ve had been with ****** for nine years. He’s over fifty and ready for grandkids. What differs between him and my mom is that he was adopted. His only blood connection is to me and my little sister, ******…. and she’s a lesbian. That isn’t an issue in our family and he’s very accepting and I know he would never say it, but if ****** adopted, it wouldn’t be the same as if she or I had our own child.

I think it was him that once said to ******, “I’m very glad that ***** has you with him.”

Evolution ensures that the horniest fit humans survive. Now I have the extra pressure of guilt pushing me to procreate.

I’m trying to figure out how to date.

I joined an online dating service and put up some pictures that unintentionally make me look like a rugged outdoorsy traveling all the time action adventure guy. I’m in a kayak in one with a big toothy grin, I’ve got parrots behind me and scuba gear on my shoulder in another, I’m berry picking in another.
Now I’m receiving electronic winks but haven’t figured out how to respond. I boldly returned one wink yesterday. She shot back an email and I don’t know what to do. So inept and hesitant. and lazy. damnit.