My withdrawl from here is acute.

I need to find more sources of social support because frustration in isolation sucks.

Twenty-seven has been a hard age so far.

I put Liz Phair on. Cooking a pogo. Two Pogos actually. Paw Paw for Jesus.

I had a big glass of Pinot Noir. ****** went to Yoga.

Eatin my pogos.

Well well well. Look who’s background is suddenly fashionable again.

Absence makes the heart grow fungus.

It’s the pits that I’m not writing here anymore.

Hairy bacterial pits.

Maybe tomorrow.

I was supposed to play softball tonight but it was canceled due to rain. The field’s all soggy. Like my gum.

Apparently ****** has been running rampant searching out every comment I’ve ever left. She’s upset as she should be. I hesitate to write anything anymore since guilt and paranoia fight with my desire to express myself. Do I just continue to pour myself out here until my little private bubble is popped one more time? She promised she wouldn’t read it again. I’ll probably stay until no one is paying any attention anymore. And then maybe after that.

I don’t know if I’ll comment on any entries that aren’t protected anymore. I don’t know if I’ll do even that.

I’m confused and unhappy.

There was a story on the public radio show, This American Life, about a confused girl. She lusted after an engaged man and was unhappy. She decided to write about her life as a short story for her creative writing class. All her classmates would read the story and then during the in-class discussion she would gain valuable insight on her situation. Her instructor and peers questioned the protagonists motivations, her short sightedness and pointed out how self-absorbed she appeared to be.

 

****** broke into my Xanga account and read everything again.

*sigh*

About to eat a burrito. I forgot to take it out of my backpack so its probably infested with an assortment of microorganisms. Hopefully the microwave killed most of them. I can handle the idea of ingesting their heat ruptured carcasses but I don’t want to eat squiggling nasties. It’s not tasting good at all. I’ve ruined it for myself.

NPR has a show called, “This American Life” that I’m completely addicted to and in love with. It’s all streamed through their website. The show is comprised of stories/mini documentaries. The CBC3 radio podcast is awesome too. I hate TV.

I want to start a public blog again. One that friends, family, coworkers and even girlfriend could read. I could tell people about it and then not feel so guilty about falling out of touch with them. But I can’t imagine writing anything that I would want all of those people to simultaneously know. I like having different types of relationships with different people. Maybe I shouldn’t be that way. But I am.

My boss/study director made me feel like I was “rotting” in my job.

I’m 26 and only have a Bachelors.

“What’s an undergraduate? Nothing. Right?”

I nodded unhappily.

It’s as if people with a higher degree are living richer lives. More money. More esteem. More happiness.

I’m not starving. My paltry lab tech salary puts me into the upper echelon of elitism on this planet. Entitling me to an unfairly large piece of planet earth pie. While the truly poor get crumbs.

So I’m supposed to feel miserable if I’m not on the track to more money more work more responsibility. If I have free time and time free of worry, I’m rotting? Fuck you fuck you fuck you. I’ll live my life however I want. If I want to spend seven years in undergraduate because I don’t know what form my corporate servitude is going to take yet then so be it. Sorry I didn’t have that all figured out at age 22. My mind dwells elsewhere. My mind is happy without you poking poison into it. Old man.

It’s only when we stop being afraid that we start to live. Maybe Heidi killed herself because she was afraid of what other people would think. Right now I feel no fear because I know everything is impermanent. Maybe holding this feeling is enlightenment.

Hello, *****.  (I’m assuming that’s the name you go by)  I’m sorry to say that what you’ve heard about Heidi is true.  She passed back earlier this year, in early January. I didn’t know that there was still anyone who didn’t know.  I had to be told myself, by Heidi’s friend Hernando. I live in Georgia.  I don’t know how well you knew her…but Heidi was the best friend I ever had.  I’m still greatly mourning her death.  If you would like to know more, feel free to write back.  There’s a website called the Tastytronic Diner that is frequented by a lot of people who knew and loved Heidi. The URL is http://bbs.tastytronic.net/ and the thread you want to look at is “Purist Cinnamongirl Jolly Ranchers.”  There are tons of posts on there about her, written by her friends and family. Once again, I’m sorry to have to give you this news. Take care, Adam

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Thank you, Adam. I’m not quite sure where you’re replying from, Xanga or someone else but I really appreciate it.

I never met her but wish I did (I thought it would happen eventually). It was through our Xanga pages that we met when she had her cinnamongirl78 blog. At that time I believe she was living with Hernando,  her boyfriend/fiance. Reading her writing, I was a little awed at how hard she seemed to love him. Then that broke down, there was a canceled wedding I believe. She started a new Xanga blog, GratefulImhere which I continued to read and comment on as regularly as I could. We chatted on AOL a handful of times. She always left me the most expressive, encouraging comments about my own relationship difficulties and struggles. I went back to read old entries of mine and her responses and have felt so sad. She was such a beautiful person. I was reading when she met Vadim and again she seemed to fall so hard for him. She seemed to be so happy. I think that maybe that she just felt too much.

So I know her well enough to feel pretty torn up and shocked right now. I wasn’t writing or reading her stuff much at the end of 2005 due to a move and new situation but I received this email from her:

Wow–all of that fun, and I’m not there to be part of it?  Damn.
 
I know this is a time of major transition and change for you.  If anyone can handle it–knowing what I do of you from your Xanga, your intelligence, our communication, and the crucial double-Scorpio placement in your chart–you are stronger than the average person by far. You can make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, here.  To use one of my dad’s expressions.
 
Anytime you need to talk, you know where to find me. I’d offer you a massage as well, and I give great ones, but that’s difficult over the computer.  Stay strong, *****, and keep me posted on your progress.
 
Me

I don’t know what I sent back in response but I can see I did respond to it. Thank god for that. I started reading the thread you gave me (thank you!) and will work through it gradually. I can’t handle too much of it at once. If you have any other information you could share with me, I would like to hear it. (the one question swirling in my head is…, Why?)
Sincerely, ***** (the_ancient_undergrad)

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Hey, *****. Glad my email found its way to you. It wasn’t too long ago that I found out about her death and was trying to get information from various sources myself.

We met in sort of the same way you and she did. Though, we met on a Natalie Merchant bulletin board. I sent her a play I had written, and we became instant friends. I have literally hundreds of emails from her…that I’m glad I kept. We ended up talking on the phone regularly and for long conversations. Sent each other gifts back and forth. Then I visited her in Chicago twice last year. Got to meet Hernando and her sister and friends.

Heidi was a beautiful person, as I’m sure you know, *****. She was so absolutely wonderful in so many ways. But she was also a very troubled individual. Books could be written about her messed up family situation, which centered on abandonment, drug and alcohol abuse, and child neglect. It was amazing that she was able to function at all.

One of the ways she did cope, though, was through drinking. She was very much an alcoholic. I realized this the first year I knew her, and then she finally realized it. She realized it around the first time she thought about killing herself. But shortly after, she got into AA and started counseling and got on medication. Another problem that she had was that she was bipolar. Or manic/depressive. She’d be absolutely fine one day and then the next it’d be like the end of the world. Then the next, she’d be okay again. You add all of those things and it makes for a potentially explosive situation.

It was because of this that her and my friendship suffered. You see *****, when she died, I hadn’t talked to her in about six months. We had been very best friends, I loved her like nothing else…but I was unable to take some of the issues that came up. I won’t get into them; all I’ll say is that we had a fight, and she said some truly hurtful things to me. So, I told her that I couldn’t be friends with her until things were different. Our communication ceased. I hoped that time would heal the trouble between us. One day I realized how foolish and petty our conflicts were; that I still loved her and really needed her in my life. I was going to write her and tell her this. A few days later, though, I got the email from Hernando about her death. Needless to say, regret and guilt has been a big part of my mourning.

I don’t know if you’ve found from what you’ve read about how she died. She killed herself. She shot herself with her dad’s gun. Why? We all have our hypotheses. Everyone who knew her. I like to think that I, personally, have insight that not many others have. Because I understood her alcohol addiction more than most. So many people she knew downplayed the affect alcoholism had on her life. But I come from a family of alcoholics; I’ve seen what it can do to people. And I believe that it was the main cause of her death. I think she had her mental problems that pushed her. But I don’t think she’d ever get to the point where she could kill herself unless she was drunk. Vadim confirmed my assumption that she had been drinking when he told me that she had alcohol in her system when she was found. I honestly believe that she fell into a bad place, and drank because of that. Knowing Heidi, she probably became very ashamed of this. Because she had gone so long without drinking, had done so well at keeping her life in order. No doubt she got into that drunken state and convinced herself that she was no good, that she had let everyone down, and that it would be better for everyone else if she removed herself from their lives. She wouldn’t be able to convince herself this when she was sober, I don’t believe. But when she drank…her negative emotions got the best of her.

And that’s really all I know about it. Most of it is speculation, but, notwithstanding the shitty friend I was to her towards the end, I really feel I knew aspects about her better than anyone. She often told me that she shared things with me she never shared with anyone else. Not her family, fiance, or best friends. I really wish I would have been there with her at the end…but, honestly, I don’t think anyone could have stopped her from doing what she did. She would have just shut me out like she did everyone else.

I hope that none of what I said has negatively influenced your attitude towards her. That’s why I’m wary of discussing the details of things…because I want people to remember the wonderful person she was. Not remember her for her flaws. Because although I knew about her flaws all too well, what I remember when I think about her is the great person she really was.

I hope you got to see some of this too.

Take care, *****. And feel free to write back if you want to talk about her further.

Adam