Since I’m going to have visitors for my graduation this week and we might want to use my balcony, I decided to reclaim it from the pigeons.

Last summer they laid eggs in my plants and since everyone should leave as small an ecological footprint as possible, I let the pigeons do their thing, nest building, egg sitting and young raising. But now I’ve had enough. It’s my balcony, not theirs. I’m tired of the cooing and sexual moaning at 6am and the covering of everything with unhealthy excrement. They’ve got to go.

So, after scaring away three pigeons with angry yelling and arm flailing, I surveyed the situation and was thoroughly disgusted. There were dried streaks of white shit on everything. I grabbed some garbage bags and threw out all my old plant paraphernalia, soil, pots, tinfoil pans etc. Then I cleaned and brought the stuff that I wanted to keep inside. Then I swept for a good hour, ruining my broom and getting a blister in the process. I noticed the pigeons were watching me work from the roof about twenty feet away. After I finished sweeping, I went inside to fill a bucket with hot water and Mr. Clean. When I returned, two of the pigeons were back, perched on the railing. So, I nonchalantly grabbed the broom and slowly inched over towards them without making eye contact. When I figured I was within striking distance, I jabbed the broom handle at them with a lightning quick stab, YAA!  They’re lucky I was just trying to scare them away and not kill them because I hit the rail with a loud crack before they were able to scramble and take off. So then I mopped the deck, the walls, everything. No more guano. It took another hour, now it’s clean and beautiful out there.

Now I want it to stay nice and clean of course and on this subject I received some sage wisdom from Charles Bronson. (2025 me here: Wish I remembered the missing quote. I still remember how gross that balcony was though). Sorry, Chuck that’s a little too nutty and violent for me. So, I traveled to Canadian Tire to buy a hunting owl decoy to scare them away. They didn’t have any so I ended up getting a more cartoony looking garden owl. I asked the cashier if she thought it would scare away the pigeons, she just laughed. No help there. I got a second opinion while riding in the elevator with some guy I’ve never seen before. I took the owl out of my packsack, shook it at him menacingly, and asked if he thought it would work. He laughed too and thinks no, that it’s not realistic enough looking. Well we’ll see.

You’re supposed to fill it with sand but I used pennies instead. Then I built a rudimentary four foot perch for him. I figure he needs a name. Something that captures his determination to grimly supervise my balcony with his wise, unblinking, malice filled eyes. Deathwatch? I’m not too happy with that, I think I’m ripping off a Marvel character. Oh well. Name suggestions are welcome.

Before I placed him out there, I made sure the pigeons weren’t looking because I don’t want them to see me handling him. Then I snuck him out there. And you know what? It works! I saw a pigeon come swooping in on an angle towards my balcony, he was about ten feet away and then panicked in midair, flapping furiously to perform an awkward reversal and fly back to where he came from! It was hilarious! One of the most satisfying things I’ve ever seen. Two more pigeons followed and they both bailed too, pulling up and heading for the tenth floor instead! And they’re staying away! Haha!!!

fear me

2025 me here: there was a broken link here. It might have been a pic of me and the the glorious owl.

I had a little odyssey tonight. Hopefully I can convey some of the unembellished ridiculousness of it.

So, I’m still on nightshifts and didn’t sleep very well today. Maybe four hours. Once up, I skated an errand downtown to the passport office. I forgot my birth certificate at home and the trip accomplished nothing. It was still enjoyable though. The sun was warm and my skating is improving. None of this is really relevant to my little adventure, I’m just making the point that I was already fairly tired before the fun started.

8:45pm: Left the apartment for a 45 minute run before my 10:30 nightshift. It went exceedingly well, it turns out this was my fastest run of the year so far. I really went all out and it was very satisfying. I would probably be in amazing shape if I didn’t have three donuts and a coffee that’s 1/3 sugar for breakfast everyday.

9:30pm: The run’s done and I’m back at my apartment door, sweating heavy and I can’t find my key. A sinking feeling settles in as I realize it must have fallen out of the little pocket inside my gym shorts somewhere on my route. Maybe somewhere on the grass, or maybe I didn’t hear it clang on the sidewalk because I listen to music while running. But, since I live on campus and students lose their keys all the time, there is a 24 hour housing office that holds back up keys. My building, Bayfield hall, is on the northwestern most tip of campus. Defying all logic, the backup keys are kept at Alumni house, at the southeastern end of campus. My blood was still pumping and I felt pretty good so I figured I still could run there in 10 minutes, get the keys, run back in another 10, and still maybe make it to work on time. And off I went.

9:45pm: I’m at Alumni house near the eastern gates of the University. There’s a notice on the glass double doors, “Closed May 1st to Aug 31st. See personnel at Delaware hall.” All right. Delaware is in the middle of campus so that’s not so bad, approximately a seven minute run back in the direction I just came. I put on the new Common album for a smooth and mellow flow while off I go.

9:51pm: At Delaware hall, sweating and panting profusely. I smile at the older gentleman at the desk, “Hi, I live at Bayfield and lost my keys.” “Ohhhhhhh. Ummmm. This is my first day here. Gimmie a minute, I don’t know where anything is.” So he looks around absentmindedly. I tell him to take his time even though I’ve really got to hustle. He makes a call, it gets forwarded back to his own phone. He calls someone else, gets an after hours recording. He calls another clerk at Essex hall, “Oh! so that’s why I can’t find them. We’ll then I’ve got some business I’m going to send over to you, but don’t worry, he’s cute.” Essex! That’s right across the street from Alumni house. I just came from that area. Off I go again.

10:10pm: I get to Essex…. Wha… Hey! this isn’t Essex! It’s Elgin hall! NOOOOOOOO! I NEED ESSEX NOT ELGIN!! So, I just ran in the opposite direction to the wrong building. Essex is at least a good ten minute (uphill) run to the southwest end of campus. So back I go, over the Thames river bridge and through swarms of gnats for the fifth (but not final) time that day.

10:25pm: I get to Essex hall, flash my cute smile at the desk clerk. She chuckles and knows it’s me. I get the back-up keys and north to Bayfield I run.

10:40pm: Riding in the elevator up to my apartment, dead tired and burned out, knowing I’m going to be at least forty minutes late for work. But wait! Here’s the cherry on the pie! It was at this moment, riding in the elevator, a beaten man and utterly exhausted, that my apartment key chose to shake loose of my gym shorts and fall onto the floor directly in front of me. The very key I just toured the University trying to replace! And it’s here that I envision the gods, mugs of nectar in hand, slapping each other on the back, pointing down at me and laughing.

So yeah, I got into my apartment, called work and apologized, drank a couple gallons of water, quick shower, no time for a shave or to make coffee and a sandwich, strapped on the inline skates for one more trip through campus and got to work 40 minutes late. The End.

Does everybody like the new radically redesigned banner? Note the subtly coordinated array of scribble colours. Pretty slick huh? Also, after spending so much time out skating in the sunshine lately, I decided my page looked too dark and changed that too.

It has been hot lately. For the past few nights at work, I’ve been sitting outside enjoying the warmth. I sit outside in the courtyard and listen to University lecture series recordings in mp3 format. Philosophy is excellent on warm summer nights after 1am. Listening to music is ok too, except when I listen in the dark, alone, under the stars, it triggers a different sort of response. The kind of response I’m not looking for. Early morning summer hours are perfect for digesting philosophy, history, mythology or psychology though. They help fight off the stagnation I’ve been feeling lately. They reduce the guilt I feel for not aggressively hunting for a career or contacts. Or for not working on independent programming projects. etc. etc. They help in that, I at least feel I’m improving in some way. That the day wasn’t a waste… But it wouldn’t have been anyway. I skated under a hot sun for over an hour. Had good conversation with some friends. Cooked and ate some yummy food. etc. etc. Things are good. Life is good. I just need relax and reflect a little I guess. I’m going back outside.

So I’m on polite speaking terms with a man who is threatening to bring the whole Canadian government down.

If you want to chart my odyessy, or if that made no sense whatsoever, here’s a map.

Peer to Peer web hosting.

2025 me here: I have no idea what that link was or what this post was about.

“this country is safe again, Superman, thanks to you”

“don’t thank me, warden, we’re all on the same team”

My apartment is an unholy oven of misery. It has been so unbearably hot lately. Too hot for good sleep so I got up after 4 hours and shined my shoes while I watched the original Superman movie while sweating in t-shirt and boxers.

Working nightshifts now. Caffeine withdrawal headache. I can tell. Advil doesn’t help these ones. And it’s localized just so.

It’s night and Thunderstorming now. I shouldn’t post at 5am because these ones always seem too whiny/stupid/dark/inane when I read them the next day.

I’m stuck in 1982. Can’t switch my running music cause compy died.

Nick Hornby has a new book coming out tomorrow, A Long Way Down. I’m contemplating paying the hardcover price. I read a little of the entertainment weekly review and it seems like something I’d like. First I have to finish my current scholarly tome and literary masterpiece, The Pelican Brief by John Grisham. A Deft Potboiler! Kaleidoscope Action! A Megathriller! Unputdownable!

One more hour and I can go home. Gonna get soaked.

My desktop computer died apparently. It won’t start. I was hoping it just overheated and would start up when cool. No luck. So that’s a mystery. Now all the old pictures and music on this site won’t work because they were all hosted from there. My angry monkey synopsis was typed from the University Community Center on my laptop. So I’m cut off from cyberspace at home.

And now I’m stuck here at work on Friday night. Good times. Woohoo. Yeehaw. I felt like going out tonight too. While at home today, I listened to campus radio where they announce all the local live music shows. I could go for some of that right now. Earlier this week I went out to a bar for the first time in a while and it felt pretty damn good. I feel I could get sucked into the local music scene easily. So it’s good that this job puts the reigns on that I suppose. It helps to grow the funds in my “run away and hide from Merle at the end of the summer” account.

Anyway, it was a pretty crummy day but had some highlights:

(1) I bought a pair of super spiffy shades to replace my broken ones. Almost the same style but smaller, sleeker and darkly mirrored. Nice and cheap too.

(2) I was sexually harassed by my female butcher. (I don’t think I’ll ever be able to ask for hot Italian sausage with a straight face again….)

(3) My Dwarfdom comic arrived.

(4) I bought some stylin’ softboot K2 inline skates in a clearance sale at sportsmart. I was debating whether to buy a mega cheap pair for twenty bucks at a department store or a nice pair like these ones for more. The sale and excellent salesperson cinched it. He looked just like Scooby’s Shaggy and called me dude. I liked that. The skates were incredibly soft too. I’ve never put my feet into anything so comfortable in my life. I had a foot orgasm right there in the store. Shaggy knew his stuff. That said, it’s clear I’m going to kill myself wearing them. For a kid who lived on ice skates growing up, the shaky, tentative skate I did on the way home was most humbling. I WILL learn these things though.

.

The National Geographic June monkey is a mustached tamarin. His body is all black except for a cute and furry white face. Very adorable, yet obviously distressed. He is leaning forward on a tree stump, mouth wide open, locked in an angry yell. I know just what he is thinking, “My super cool sunglasses broke. So did my desktop. I’ve got superglue all over my fingers. All the good donuts were taken and my morning kiwi was soggy and putrid. Now everyone better stay the hell away from my tree stump or I’ll bean you with this acorn!”

Despite having an abundance of interesting post fodder, I’m doing this instead.

I’m going to play the game on lizamae’s page because it seems
fun, vain or not.

Open your MP3 player. Put all your music on random. Write down the first ten songs it plays, no matter how embarrassing. Add what each song makes you think of.

(1) Built Like Alaska – Controlled Climate

Dog sledding vegetarians.

(2) Duran Duran – Save a Prayer

The fedora in the Hungry Like the Wolf video. I want one.

(3) The White Stripes – Little Ghost

Dancing at Old Fort William dressed as a voyageur.

(4) The Temptations – You’re My Dream Come True

Not Merle.

(5) Doves – The Storm

Pretty avant garde and ethereal. Alice in Wonderland

(6) Rozalla – You Never Love the Same Way Twice

Liberating bunnies from the lab.

(7) The Odyssey – Lecture 3 – A goddess and a princess.

Odysseus bursting out of the bushes naked and running toward Nausicaa yelling gibberish, arms flailing wildly.

(8) Mary Wells – Operator

My phone bill. Boring but true.

(9) RZA, Inspekta Deck – Freestyle

Gold teeth and malt liquor.

(10) Reflex – 18

Luftballoons.

20 Questions to a Better Girlfriend
	Your girlfriend score is 49. That girl is poi-sooooon–and I thank you for letting me slide in one more kickin’-it-old-school hip hop song. That means one of us is having a good time, and that one is not you, because you are burning in a lake of fire every moment you’re with this woman. Please, please, run away from her. You are one Miller Lite away from a Judge Joe Brown episode.

20 Questions to being a Better Person
	Your score as a human being is 81.25. You are close to ideal. So close, and yet so far. Amusing, really, to watch someone squirm so close to the vaunted ranks of perfection and still remain so very, very ordinary. It is all one can do to keep one’s ingratiating smile from polluting one’s perfect face.Actually, one recommends you take the quiz again and lie a little.

20 Questions to a Better Personality

Wackiness:

70/100 Rationality:

40/100 Constructiveness:

64/100 Leadership:

84/100 You are a WECL–Wacky Emotional Constructive Leader.

This makes you a People`s Advocate. You are passionate about your causes, with a good heart and good endeavors. Your personal fire is contagious, and others wish they could be as dedicated to their beliefs as you are. Your dedication may cause you to miss the boat on life’s more slight and trivial activities. You will feel no loss when skipping some inane mixer, but it can be frustrating to others to whom such things are important. While you find it difficult to see other points of view, it may be useful to act as if you do, and play along once in a while. In any event, you have buckets of charisma and a natural skill for making people open up. Your greatest asset is an ability to make progress while keeping the peace. Of the 125997 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 6 % are this type.

I worked late tonight and am burned out. Since I’ve worked nightshifts only for such a long time, I’ve forgotten how quick and dynamic the pace is during the daytime. I did it for seven straight days, so it’s good to be home. Even if I’m tired and subdued. Off for a few badly needed days now. Tomorrow night, I actually have some fun plans, for a change.

I like my little ninth floor apartment. I keep it neat and cozy. The view out the balcony windows is soothing. Despite being located firmly inside the city, looking out, all I see is a leafy forest of deciduous trees and the Saugeen river. It’s an illusion of true wilderness that I would appreciate more if I ever wore my glasses. The building is filled with quiet foreign grad students. So in the summer, when many go home, it’s especially quiet and a little dull. The north end of the university is more like a deserted recreational park than a campus. That’s ok though.

All day, it rained and summer stormed intermittently. So now, I’m feeling uninspired but content. Dark and cool. I played Moon Theory while I cooked some Pad Thai. If my body decides to absorb any of it as energy, I’ll run a little later. Running on nights like this is the best. The sky is half overcast, half stars and I love the possibility of warm summer rain.

Working on my resume is so boring. I’m bored. Bored bored bored. It’s good that I’m doing it on company time I suppose. I work dayshifts all stinking week-end. The novelty of dealing with the daytime crowd is wearing off. I guess being back on days has involved some fun incidents though. I’ve had interesting conversation with a few of my favorite residents. There is a cognitive psych prof who I have excellent banter with. I bested him on the phone yesterday with my sassy wit and left him laughing and blubbering. Haha! I win again old man!

What else… Yesterday, I saw two old ladies throwdown in a lyrical showdown. Right here in the lobby, snooty Mrs. Dinnmore confronted poor old Mrs. Covey and called her rude, a bitch and a sow. How can you call a little old lady with a walker a sow? That wasn’t nice at all. Mrs. Covey is probably a hundred. She was also the one who brought me ice cream the other day. Mrs. Covey came right back with some vicious freestyle though. She pretended to not know who Mrs. Dinnmore was and acted like this crazy woman didn’t belong in the building. Amusing.

Yawn yawn yawn. I’m hungry. While I was away from the desk earlier, an anonymous individual left some chocolate cake for me. It looks like a tasty specialty one too. I’m going to eat it now.