Since I’m going to have visitors for my graduation this week and we might want to use my balcony, I decided to reclaim it from the pigeons.
Last summer they laid eggs in my plants and since everyone should leave as small an ecological footprint as possible, I let the pigeons do their thing, nest building, egg sitting and young raising. But now I’ve had enough. It’s my balcony, not theirs. I’m tired of the cooing and sexual moaning at 6am and the covering of everything with unhealthy excrement. They’ve got to go.
So, after scaring away three pigeons with angry yelling and arm flailing, I surveyed the situation and was thoroughly disgusted. There were dried streaks of white shit on everything. I grabbed some garbage bags and threw out all my old plant paraphernalia, soil, pots, tinfoil pans etc. Then I cleaned and brought the stuff that I wanted to keep inside. Then I swept for a good hour, ruining my broom and getting a blister in the process. I noticed the pigeons were watching me work from the roof about twenty feet away. After I finished sweeping, I went inside to fill a bucket with hot water and Mr. Clean. When I returned, two of the pigeons were back, perched on the railing. So, I nonchalantly grabbed the broom and slowly inched over towards them without making eye contact. When I figured I was within striking distance, I jabbed the broom handle at them with a lightning quick stab, YAA!Ā They’re lucky I was just trying to scare them away and not kill them because I hit the rail with a loud crack before they were able to scramble and take off. So then I mopped the deck, the walls, everything. No more guano. It took another hour, now it’s clean and beautiful out there.
Now I want it to stay nice and clean of course and on this subject I received some sage wisdom from Charles Bronson. (2025 me here: Wish I remembered the missing quote. I still remember how gross that balcony was though). Sorry, Chuck that’s a little too nutty and violent for me. So, I traveled to Canadian Tire to buy a hunting owl decoy to scare them away. They didn’t have any so I ended up getting a more cartoony looking garden owl. I asked the cashier if she thought it would scare away the pigeons, she just laughed. No help there. I got a second opinion while riding in the elevator with some guy I’ve never seen before. I took the owl out of my packsack, shook it at him menacingly, and asked if he thought it would work. He laughed too and thinks no, that it’s not realistic enough looking. Well we’ll see.
You’re supposed to fill it with sand but I used pennies instead. Then I built a rudimentary four foot perch for him. I figure he needs a name. Something that captures his determination to grimly supervise my balcony with his wise, unblinking, malice filled eyes. Deathwatch? I’m not too happy with that, I think I’m ripping off a Marvel character. Oh well. Name suggestions are welcome.
Before I placed him out there, I made sure the pigeons weren’t looking because I don’t want them to see me handling him. Then I snuck him out there. And you know what? It works! I saw a pigeon come swooping in on an angle towards my balcony, he was about ten feet away and then panicked in midair, flapping furiously to perform an awkward reversal and fly back to where he came from! It was hilarious! One of the most satisfying things I’ve ever seen. Two more pigeons followed and they both bailed too, pulling up and heading for the tenth floor instead! And they’re staying away! Haha!!!
fear me
2025 me here: there was a broken link here. It might have been a pic of me and the the glorious owl.
The Ancient Undergrad 
Oh my god. That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while. The story was funny, too. I’m glad it’s working. Why does it have a hook on top of its head?
Who all is coming out for your graduation–your family? Is Merle coming? Bon chance and congratulations!
I HATE pigeons. Flying rats. They’re disgusting. There’s this guy who hangs out in Lincoln Square, a fun, hip little neighborhood near my home, and he’s (informally) called The Pigeon Guy. He’s this sad, scruffy, bent little guy, looks homeless and probably is, and he feeds the pigeons all day. They perch on every square inch of him–his arms, his shoulders, his head. He has a sign that says, “Take your picture with The Pigeon Man–$1.” Like I would get that close. I hope he goes home every night and bathes in a gallon of Mr. Clean. My sister, who is a nicer person than me, says it’s “cute.” Schyeah.
Ophelia is a Shakespeare character, from Hamlet. I don’t remember the exact nature of her character–I haven’t read or seen that one in a while–but I think she’s a romantic interest of some sort (and he treats her like shit). Then she goes crazy and drowns herself. Come to think of it, maybe it would be a good name for a daughter.
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Now THAT is a great success story!!!!
My husband found the head of a squirrel in our yard this week. We think it is the work of thug-like chipmunks giving us a warning of some type…or the neighbor’s gagsta cat. What plastic animal frightens mafia-chipmunks and cats away?
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He is adorable! I’m unorginal…I’d name him WhootMeister…but, maybe I”m weird š I’m glad the pidgeons are staying way though. š I can just imagine you with the broom and trying to scare away pidgeons…that’s about the funniest picture I’ve head in weeks! š
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are canadian pennies like american pennies?
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BWUHAHAHAHAHA!! Pigeons are so gross. My brother lives in Toronto and has big problems with them on his balcony. He had to put up mesh to keep them off. The owl is scary though. Hypnotizing…
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We have a fake owl in a tree outside of our restaurant. I think it works. I also think you should name it Shannon.
C’mon, far too humble to tell me your best compliment? I’ll give you one right now: you’re a cutie.
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Watch out, they’ll eventually get smart and sit on your deck again, but will stay about a foot and a half away from him. Reminds me of a shop in Santa Cruz that has an owl like that on top of their sign, and the pigeons just sit on the ends, as far away as possible from the owl as they can. You should get a dead pigeon (I’m not telling you how) and hang his carcass up near your deck. That’ll show the pigeons. And you should name the owl “Trevor” I don’t know why but it sounds menacing enough.. no?My friend’s job actually has a real live hawk and an owl “hired” to chase away pests like pigeons and seagulls. You should look into that.
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Malcolm… definately Malcolm. It is a proper name for an owl… it sounds wise and strong. Malcolm the Owl.
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Oh I forgot to nominate a name…here you go.
When I put “fear me the owl” into Babelfish and translated it from English to French it came up with “Craignez-moi le hibou”.
So I vote for Craig. Which is short for Craig-the-Freaky-Plastic-Owl. Or go for an American Indian sounding name like …”Craig-the-owl-with-hook-in-head.” But then, “Fear me-the-owl” is fun too. Say it. “Fear-me-the-owl”.
I think I like just plain “Craig” best though.
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ROFL…. this is hilarious. And that owl is freaking scary. Owl’s name could be Xena. Why would it need to be a He?
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in light of the fact that cartoon owls often wear graduation caps, your buying a cartoon-looking owl in relation to graduation is funny.
rubber snakes in plants can also ward off feathered pot-nesters.
congratulations on your commencement.
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I wouldn’t necessarily name him – I would probably just refer to him as my hooter. I bought a hooter today. I leave my hooter out on the balcony to scare away the pidgeons. When I’m lonely, I hold my hooter.In lieu of hooter, I think Trevor is the best suggestion so far.I think the best part of this story is how you tried so hard to keep from disturbing the pidgeons and then you completely turned on them. They must think you’re a nutter.
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i just love the idea of you going up to random strangers and shaking your owl at them. it is scary- look at those eyes!!! I agree with parkn8or, or whatever: what you should do is get a lot of dead pigeons (again, your choice as to how) and line them up on your balcony on stakes, like they did with christians in bible times. i wish lizamae would stop saying hooters. it just reminds me of the restaurant. as for a name, i like Todd. but if thats not cool enough, how about Jesus? “Nobody fucks with the Jesus!”
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“Hooter” definately takes the cake. Hahahaha!!
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You could get two. Then you’d have a nice pair of hooters
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Trevor? Craig? Malcolm? Shannon? Todd? Those won’t work because I have people associated with those names. Xena? Better, but I don’t think I want a warrior princess owl. I don’t want to sexually objectify my owl or the Hooter restaurant affiliation, so that’s out too. A Jesus owl… hmm not bad but I’ll pass. That leaves WhootMeister. Now there’s a name with potential! Except it needs a little touch of Wu. How about the WhootMonstah? Or the WhootMonsta Killa? Shake and tremble before the WMK. ahh I don’t know. I don’t feel like posting or returning comments today. Not feeling so great.
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Hope you’re feeling better and that all is okay, referring to your comment above. My best and only suggestion is Oscar. Oscar the Owl. That’s my cat’s name, and I think it’s a great name. I hope you feel better. Your life has been crazy lately and you deserve some rest and relaxation.
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What makes no sense? Did I type something in wrong?
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Oh and the other comment….hahahahaha! You betcha! Nothing makes a Canadian sexier than holding a plastic owl possibly named WMK.
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Oh! you probably mean my site name. I’m just messing around with it. It’s my new code name, at least for today.
Here’s one for the freaky plastic owl… Pfolrwaelsatkiyc. See if you can figure it out. I’m not really good at codes, but this one is fun to play with. Makes anything look Welsh.
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Please delete some of these comments of mine if you like. Looks wierd to see my picture over and over.
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P.S. I just noticed all your new customized blogrings. You are a dork. That would be: Yaadorouerk.
Note that I’m not very consistent on how I use this new secret code of mine. So calculate some randomness when trying to figure it out.
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that’s a lot of pennies. i greatly enjoyed reading this. cute picture of the owl (and you).
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weep for the lone hooter
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Fine then give him my middle name, Kay.
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did you ever decide on a name for your owl? i like the new look. are you going to change your name too?
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your blogrings are freaking hilarious. on myspace, me and my friend are starting a group called People Who Can Turn Thier Pants Into Inflatable Saftey Devices.
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