I’m often glib when I refer to Merle but the truth is that I really do care about her and am searching for a way to end things in a way that doesn’t cause a destructive explosion. Some things she has said in the past regarding what would happen if we break up have been pretty scary. I really do believe that she has a mild case of borderline personality disorder and there is a significant danger of suicide. I talk about running away as a solution but I’m not serious. I know this is something I’m going to have to face very soon. Due to our respective U.S. citizenship issues she recently talked to a lawyer about her green card/naturalization situation as well as what I need to do to obtain a work permit (it will be easy if I find a willing employer). She asked about marriage and the lawyer strongly advised against it. When she told me this she was crying but I felt relief. Her visit after my last exam on the 15th is now in question too because of her green card expiration. There is a danger that when she crosses the border, she’ll be nabbed and deported to France. That would be funny! (no it wouldn’t. no it wouldn’t.)
She told me in our second year together that she wanted to marry me. I figured it was just infatuation and would pass but it didn’t. Since then I’ve done an incredible job of resisting marriage or engagement but even the most resolute rocks erode. Last year she threw a serious proposal at me which I rejected in the most delicate way possible. Still, she was deeply hurt and is still bitter about it. She won’t move on though. Personality attributes that I don’t like about myself I think she finds desirable. She is an intensely jealous creature and therefore likes my introversion. She is social, bombastic and steals my few friends. I know that if we broke up, if she felt like it, she could find someone else with much more ease. She had two previous boyfriends before me that threw flower petals at her feet and she dominated them. I observed from a distance as she unceremoniously ripped out one poor young man’s heart and stomped on it like a tomato. This coincided with her decision to aggressively pursue me. Maybe it’s retribution or karma that I’m the one she fell for. Anyway, my independent nature prevents bullying from Merle and often sparks spectacular fights. In one of the most oddly satisfying things she’s told me, she said that she likes how I keep her “in line”. That was so fucking bizarre to hear coming from her.
There is a psychology professor at my university that I know on a somewhat personal level. He is intelligent, well spoken, witty and thoughtful. I have a lot of respect for him. I once looked up his student evaluation records and wasn’t surprised at all to find that his students absolutely adore him. He tends to be very busy but I enjoy our occasional conversations. He is a fifty something who went through a divorce about two years ago and now lives with his teenage daughter. He has demanded I stop by for a visit before fleeing London in search of fame and fortune. The reason I am writing about him is that he is so incredibly soured on the idea of marriage and living with women. I don’t have any knowledge about how he was scorched by his ex-wife but I sense that he was really miserable. It gives me real pause when Merle says that she wants to marry me. I’m twenty five. Sometimes that feels old and I’m compelled to just throw in the towel and settle for Merle. Maybe I don’t love her, but I do care for her. Maybe that’s enough. I know she truly loves me. Then I think of this professor and how bad I fought with Merle when we lived together, how I believe she is incapable of change. Do I want my relationship to be a wild rollercoaster or something more fulfilling? I have serious doubts in my abilities to reach out and find someone else though.
The Ancient Undergrad 
i got a spam email today in which the subject was “coffee ninja” and i thought of you.When Joe broke up with me, i knew i would move on and meet other people and be ok, but i thought i would never find anyone like him. He was exactly what i thought i wanted, and i thought i would never find someone like him no matter how hard i tried. well… i guess i was right. i havent met anyone like him. but i have met several people who are better than him for different reasons. They are fantastic and interesting people that are unlike Joe but help me to forget about him. two of which currently want to date me which leads to serious stress on my part but thats another story. the point is: they’re out there. you dont even have to look that hard. you only get to live your life once.i love that you write at 4 in the morning. i also love that i’m sitting here writing at 5:30 in the morning, or whatever time it is over there.
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Just because you doubt your own ability to find someone else does not mean you should stay in a relationship you’re not fully happy with. Perhaps you should go visit the psych prof and somehow work around to asking him his opinion on it.
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All I can say is there is an old actor phrase…”When in doubt, leave it out.” Marriage is huge. Much bigger than you think. Divorce is hard. 25 is INCREDIBLY young. Many people aren’t getting married until their 30’s these days and that’s just fine. I saw your picture on an earlier blog — you wouldn’t have trouble finding another girl as you do not have a horn growing out of your forehead or purple ears. I will share an embarrassing story with you…I had a live-in boyfriend in college. I was in a bad place emotionally at that age for various reason and was more dependent than I’d like to admit. I thought if he left me, I would just die. Well, he did leave (he had no other choice, I was behaving like a child AND we were only 22 [I thought I felt old then HAHA]). Guess what? I didn’t die and I grew a whole lot in the process. Maybe Merle needs to grow up a little. You might like her better if she did.
As far as the helmet, my thinking is, on a bike, you’re only going so fast. Albeit you can go pretty fast, but I figure if you hit a tree and don’t fall on your neck funny, a helmet would help. On a motorcycle, you’re typically going a lot faster and are consorting with automobiles. I can’t see how a helmet is going help a whole lot if you are in a wreck or skid out (well, it might help if you skid out). I also live in Kansas where I see nutjobs on motorcycles riding around (legally) without their helmets. All the Missouri bikers ride over here on nice weekends to drive around without their helmets because it is against the law there. My thinking may be faulty, but if it’s you on a motorcycle vs. the asphalt while going 65 mph, who’s going to win, the helmet, or the road?
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No one can tell you what to do. I think you know what you need to do, though. Scorpios are the strongest and most self-aware of signs (I’m huge into astrology–disregard if you’re not, but the Pluto-ruled wield an awesome power. Use it wisely). I have faith you’ll make the right choice. My last relationship was very much like yours sounds. We were a wee bit codependent, the familiarity is comfortable, etc., but there were problems. I was upset when it ended, though we were not right for each other. It’s hard at the time, but you get through, you get stronger…and you move on. And meet new people. You will. You’re smart and good-looking and cool (from what I can ascertain here). I thank God every day I did not pursue marriage with my ex, as we had discussed it. It would have been the biggest mistake of my life, and now I realize that I was spared from that to meet the right person (or to be happily alone, which I would be fine with). Not to project my situation onto you, but it sounds like there are some similarities. 25 IS young. You have lots of time. Good luck
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wow, that was a good one. Finally, the down-n-dirty on Merle!! It sounds like you’re not that jazzed about Merle in general – and, in my opinion, you should be completely wowed by the person you decide to settle down with. You’ll find someone else, I swear. Cut the strings.
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wow, do what you wanna do when you wanna do it… i did and now i hvae 58 kids in 49 states
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this blog makes me want to stomp on a tomato.25 is so young. i can say that, being 29. but seriously, it’s still young.
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i gotta say, if you had a horn growing out of your head or purple ears… i would TOTALLY go out with you. just a thought.
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My virtual pet duck quacks??? Wow, you have good ears. Wish I could hear it. Also, just noticed on your old post that you were listening to the “Reflex” by Duran Duran. I LOVED Duran Duran. I still have all their albums. Yes, those would be large black disks made from wax that you listen to by running them in a circle under a needle. I still have all my little Duran Duran buttons I used to collect and wear on my Michael Jackson inspired coat (it was cloth and gray, not red and leather) when all that stuff was cool. The 80’s…we didn’t think any of it was ugly at the time….
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I strongly believe that love if worth holding out for. This is your forever (or supposed to be) – do you want to settle? Good luck to you.
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Jose asked me to marry him two days ago, said that I make him a better person. But no matter how much I might care for him and no matter how “in love” I may have been with him at one time or another, I feel like it’s all too late. Or it just isn’t enough. But what it boils down to is that it isn’t right. And I feel that if I have doubts at all… it’s gut reaction. I always believed that the moment I saw the man I was to spend the rest of my life with, I’d know. That it would no longer be a matter of compromising about children or careers or whatever because we’d want the same things, or at least, we’d want the same things for and from each other.
I got engaged when I was 20 to a boy 7 years my senior. I was weak then, and perhaps the only reason I stayed with him is because I knew that my leaving would result in his suicide. But there comes a time when you have to remember who the most important person in your life is. And 99% of the time, that is you yourself. And I finally came to the conclusion, that I would be happier with his death than I would being trapped in a relationship with someone who irritated me to no end so that I almost found them physically repulsive. Why should anyone submit to unhappiness out of fear of making someone else unhappy? Forget it. She’ll survive or she won’t, but if she doesn’t, that isn’t your fault. It’s hers. And do you really want to be stuck with someone who considered suicide as a viable option?
Anyway, the ex-fiance got in his car and drove from New York to LA to come get me, and I lived in paranoid fear as I kept getting strange messages from the road. Finally, I was able to convince him to turn around and never speak to me again. I have no idea what happened to him after that. And you know what? I honestly don’t fucking care. It’s not that I don’t have a heart, but rather that i know it’s fragile. Therefore, I have to protect it. Not from people trying to steal it, but from the ones who try to suffocate it.
You complain about Merle. That in and of itself, that you do so with irritation and ire, not playful silliness, is positive proof that to stay with her, to draw it out any longer than it’s already gone on, is fucking ridiculous. You’ll spend the rest of your (married) days avoiding her. And there is always a smidgeon of truth in humour. You think of her getting abducted and sent back to France probably because you honestly would be relieved. Then you’d pretend to be worried, or let that “should” emotion keep you from throwing a liberation day party.
Besides, I consider marraige a sacred institution. So if you and Merle tied the knot, you’d never get a shot at me.
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In all honesty if you settle you will only blacken your heart and smite hers. It’s as simple as that.
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You write so beautifully.
I think that ‘throwing in the towel’ might be a grave mistake. Settling is one of the worst things you can ever do. You say you’re 25, but that’s just it… you’re ONLY 25. This is my piece of advice from across the globe… not requested, but I gave it to you, nonetheless. If you have doubts in yourseld, it’s time to sit down and really think about WHY you do. You’re young, smart, and interesting, what makes you think you can’t find someone whom you feel is your perfect match?
This professor sounds like an intriguing person. Especially his views on marriage. A psychology professor, at that.
Bottom line… if you’re not feeling it 100%, don’t go through with it. It’ll only screw you in the end…
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Your gut knows what to do. Peace to you 🙂
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Your gut knows what to do. Peace to you 🙂
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