I was up all night at work, working on an assignment. I felt thoroughly spaced out on the walk home. The university is so silent on Sunday mornings before 7am. I love it. It is almost like being in the woods. Such a normally busy setting, serene as can be. A little piece of sanity just for me.

I’m exhausted. I also think I’m happy. No matter how bad my situation seems, I think I just enjoy being. it is a little after seven am and I am writing for myself. I think my true voice is often lost when I write with specific readers in mind. I don’t like that. Well, I like the attention but I don’t like trying to be overly clever or cute when I usually just want to reflect and explore a little. During the previous two years before Xanga I kept a journal/diary. It is a protected document stored on my hard drive, encrypted with a long unique unguessable password that I use for nothing else in the world. I just had a look at the first entry. Wow.

My first entry into this log I am starting. It is a diary I guess, although I have always hated that word. What is prompting me to start this? Turmoil in my 3+ year relationship with Merle, A desire to increase my typing skills? I sometimes envy people with online blogs but also know that is not for me. I am too private and guarded a person. I know if I continue this “diary” one of my biggest fears will be that someone reads it before I am ready. I also think keeping a record of my life may somehow validate it and eliminate the insignificance I feel regarding my existence. I am hoping that writing this will help me figure out what I really want in life. I am feeling irritated at the moment because of Merle’s intrusion through MSN messenger. She is very demanding of my attention which causes a lot of friction between us,  I want more space and she wants less. This is an obstacle I am not sure we can overcome.