This post isn’t going to be very fun cause I haven’t been doing so good this weekend. I’m sliding on the down slope of a big three month valley that represents my final term of university. The source of my anxiety is my thesis. I’m so incredibly behind on it to the point that I feel sick every time I think about it. (which is hourly). Academia isn’t the only thing crumbling either; my long distance relationship with Merle is not doing well. It’s becoming clear that if I don’t land a job in Massachusetts after this term that will be the end of that roller coaster. Our last two phone conversations were fights, she wouldn’t come out and say it directly but she won’t come to Canada if I can only land a job here. She’s a certified teacher with a Masters and apparently worked hard to get Mass. certification. I would love to have the kind of security a teacher has, I feel I’ll be lucky to find anything in my field, so if I land something good in Toronto or London, clinging to it for a while would probably be wise. It’s hard to find the will to apply to jobs when I have serious doubts I’ll even land my degree though. My parents and grandparents are pressuring me for the graduation service date so they can book time off. I just love having that breathing down my neck.
I have more serious issues with Merle too. She proposed and I turned her down. She’s been festering over that ever since. I sense that the breaking point will be in late February when I have a week off and won’t want to spend the time with her.
Forcing myself to sit down and actually work on my thesis or assignments this month has been near impossible. I try my best to eliminate distractions but there is always something else. I remove as many time wasters as possible from my environment and then I just end up playing FreeCell. It kills me that I am squandering an opportunity that others would kill for. My schedule is a problem. I work nights Friday through Monday, then three days off. Establishing any semblance of a routine is extremely difficult. As hard as I try, I just can’t focus at night and at my job. I can’t handle the type of work I have to do. I can’t think critically.
Listening to this indie emo rock sure isn’t helping matters either. Early Day Miners. (they’re good).
In case anyone was wondering about the thing with Ms. O from last week, I doubt anything else will develop. I’m not going to initiate contact anyway. I just don’t want to deal with anything extra right now. The feeling seems to be mutual. I just want to muster enough drive to carry me through until April. I hate continuously feeling like I’m a tight little ball of tension and anxiety.
Maybe I should just head back to Northwestern Ontario. Transfer all my Biology credits into a forestry program back home and work for a paper mill. Just another regular Joe-Bag-o-Donuts like Pa. I could be happy. I would have a fireplace that I cut my own wood for and a big furry dog named Okituk. I don’t have passion for computer science/genetics. I don’t think I’ll be content working as an underling for someone who does.
The Ancient Undergrad 
take me to the woods with you and i’ll be the forest ranger / wildlife guide. part of me is so f’ing serious right now.
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I understand fully how you feel. When I was at the last semester of my Honours, I had the same thing as you. This tight knot in the belly that seemed to grow tigther yet bigger at the same time. My last semester wasn’t my best. I mean, I was a Philosophy major, what was out there for me?! =P I can’t tell you this is going to pass any time soon, dear, but you’ll get through it. Just rant to us all when you can.
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sounds like you have more problems than anyone i know of at the moment. like REAL problems…
you should go where you think you belong. if it’s canada that calls you or home…
if merde proposed to you but won’t move with you to canada perhaps she doesn’t love you like she thinks she does. Personally i think if you love someone sacrifies are sometimes made. and if she doesn’t think canada is acceptible and not a sacrifice she is willing to make she might not be for you.
You have a lot on your plate. working, college, i don’t exactly know what a thesis is but it doesn’t sound pleasant (like chinesse water torture perhaps)
perhaps your brain is needing release from all the stress mr. whindupball (cats are suppose to be relaxed unless they are hunting)
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wow… that’s a lot on your plate to be sure. Focus seems impossible, I have had that night shift and getting through any reading is hard… sleep seems to drift much closer when you’re reading… especially in the wee hours. So it sounds to me that you need to figure out if it’s all worth it to you. There’s a chance you could be happy in Canada… but it seems to me (from the very little I know) that you would kick your ass for that for well… who knows how long. Is that worth it to you? As far as Merle… for now… you can’t focus on her, and she should nderstand that… considering her big deal Mass. Certification and stuff, and because she should know that this is something important to you. whenanimalsattack is also brought up some very interesting points concerning her. But as always… I wish you luck and strength, and caffine.
By the way… what the hell is the lousy democrats thing??
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did whenanimalsattack purposely write ‘merde’ instead of merle? :Shttp://www.m-w.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?book=Dictionary&va=merde&x=0&y=0
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Yeah, I caught that right away. One of my Dad’s favorite sayings is, in a real casual conversational tone, “merde merde merde.” I know it’s not quite irony but it’s something; She’s a french citizen born in Paris.
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dont you just love having no f-ing plan for your life? welcome to the club :).sounds like the “merde” isn’t working out, my friend. i mean, if you dont even want to spend time with her, you turned down her proposal, and she wont go with you where you need to go, then why are you even still with her? but i know 1. you have already thought of that 2. everyone else has already said that and 3. its not that simple. all i have to say is… rock. on.
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ryc: whoa crazy shit! I was actually born in Orange county and always lived in California but I have spent many summer vacations over in Paris because I have my mom’s side of the family over there. My mom was born in Paris, though
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bag-o-donuts? i like that last name–that’d be a cool last name to have.
i think i’m suffering from a case of what you’ve got–except it’s with resumes and portfolio stuff. argh–last semester was my last semester of schol. it was all finalized when i gave away my extra scantrons because i’ll never need a scantron every again.
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wow. that’s quite a bit to deal with. i remember my commencement from undergrad and how apprehensive i felt with it approaching. my next one is over a year away but it already frightens me. i think the scariest part for me in both the last one and the one to come is all the big decisions that have to be made. it seems like everyone (including myself) is asking “so what are you gonna do now.”
with the pressures of trying to graduate and the big “ifs” that come with your impending graduation mixed with relationship woes and mixed feelings you have a tough stew to stir. i feel for you.
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Last semester of undergrad was worst for me, too. I thought the thesis would never be finished! Magically, it was finished. Maybe elves came at night and did it for me. But, I doubt it. Try to relax. Hard I know. I was in a long distance relationship, too. Yeah. The added stress is the last thing you need. Anyway, now, I’m in law school and wondering what the hell I will do after. So, it never ends! Cheer up!
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