Added a little music box (Give yourself a little pat on the back if you know of any of the bands). It may not be feasable since it loads from my computer and my connection isnt the greatest. I saw it on kjchang’s site and stole the code (you should have read my little disclaimer that says, by subscribing to me you hearby agree to let me steal whatever I want from your site. Seriously, I hope you don’t mind, I don’t know if that code was yours or not. I suspect it was from the baka and espn window opens.) My header is probably all messed up now since it it just an image, I had trouble putting it back as a table… A task for another day. If it looks really bad on your resoultion let me know.

Ahhhhh just ate. Yummy. Actually cooked something decent tonight. I have to remember that meat in the freezer isn’t in cyrogenic storage, it is just rotting very slowly. The old, old pork I thawed out didn’t look so appetizing. Tasted good when I cooked it with little baked potatoes though.

I’m tired… in a good way, did a lot of running around but acomplished much. I was back in my element, studying while listening to good music. I heard one really cute song that drew me out of my studying and caused me to drift away for a while. Edit: I put the song in the little code box (You Love Me)

My missing pencil case was turned in!!!  I had to play a “What’s inside?” game to get it back though. The girl at the circulation desk gave me the hardest time about it, I think she might have been having fun. I described the outside of it accurately, but I was pretty cryptic about the inside contents. Our exchange went kind of like this:

… Initial questions and my vague attempts at remebering what was inside …
Her: “Is there anything UNUSUAL in there” (while she is hiding it away from me rooting around inside)
Me: “Ummm.. no… I think the caluculator is a Casio..?” (it was a Sharp)
Her: “That was a HINT, Are you sure?” (either a teasing or patronizng voice)
Me: “Just colored gel pens and a calculator”
Her: “Hmmmmm”
Me: “I think there is a purple one” (there wasn’t)
… more negotiation …
Her: “Ok, I believe you, here you go, there are batteries inside too.”
Me: “Batteries?……… Oh yeah… batteries….. Thank you.”

I looked inside and saw with joy it was my stuff but.. those weren’t my batteries. Why would someone plant batteries in my pencil case and then return it? Odd. I was very happy to have my pens back though, the notes I studied with tonight are the most colorfull ever.

Kept up the illusion to a couple of my profs of the eager gung-ho student by going to an optional Bioinformatics seminar. It was so boring, I spent the whole time daydreaming and sneaking peeks at my colleages/competition out of the corner of my eye. The RNA structure diagrams looked very phallic. It was catered, free apple juice and two chocolate cookies… should have chosen the coffee, maybe then I could have stuck with it and then asked a brilliant question at the end.
  When I did get coffee I found the girl at the counter (inside the campus bar, the Spoke) very cute because she was alone and very nervous. It wasn’t busy when I got there and she looked like she had nothing to do and didn’t know how to stand. As I talked to her and she recited the types of coffee they had, I found something about her very endearing. Maybe percieved vulnerability. I wasn’t alone because after I had paid and moved to the side to add my cream and sugar, this other guy came and after he paid and thanked her there was this pause (which seemed very awkward and long), then in a mumbled croak,”Are you a Student?” It was such a painfull attempt at breaking the ice, I think I actually winced. It was as if he had said “Me like you. Us talk now?” I know this guy would never have tried it on a more self-assured woman and I understand why he made the leap because I felt the same way 30 seconds earlier. The moral of the story… confident women are scary.

hmm. Feeling melancholy. Here’s a joke.

Question: What is the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?

Answer: Anybody can Roast Beef.

haha?

I’ve gone through a wide emotional range today. Hitting peaks and valleys of motivation and resignation. Sometimes my thought stream is so rapid and clear. Thinking of seemingly brilliant actions to take weeks and months into the future. At moments like those, I feel really alive, vigorous, intelligent. Afterwards when I come down a little, I can’t remember half of what flowed through my consciousness…. Was just interrupted mid-post. I don’t know where I was going with this anymore… I felt and dressed very “emo” today, whatever that means. I was procrastinating and playing with my little toy some more and attempted to strike an emo pose. Cheesey, yes…. very. Results are below. I went through some self-loathing today. That will happen when you define yourself through anti-consumer and socially responsible beliefs, then you look at yourself posing in your black guess V-neck sweater and collared gap shirt made in Sri Lanka by children (their little hands sure must be good for those little stitches) I am a fucking hypocrite…. at least I know I am.  I dare you to tell me you’re not…..

Here is an socially conscientious MP3, Ani Defranco with a message I pasted onto it at the beginning. Maybe I will post one every day until the election. (I have a good one in mind for election day) GDP-ani.mp3 (http) GDP-ani.mp3 (ftp)

2025 me here: I have no memory of those Ani Defranco mp3 files. They are certainly not being hosted from my computer of ftp anymore.

Making an eclectic collection of posts today. *Sigh* Stealing things isn’t cool. To whoever took my pencil case at Weldon Library 20 minutes ago, I hope you feel guilty every time you use my special coloured gel pens and when you punch the buttons on my cheap 10 dollar calculator. It wasn’t a huge loss I suppose but it is annoying all the same, I don’t have the funds to be replacing those things. Maybe it will still get turned in at the circulation desk. There goes the run of good luck I talk about below. Jinxed it.

I try not to believe in the supernatural and astrology but sometimes it is tough. I think it is human nature to try and pin successes and failures on entities or factors beyond ones control but I usually believe things occur in a certain way as a result of random chance and/or personal effort. That may not have been a very coherent thought but I say this because I have been having an extraordinary run of good luck lately, individually nothing major, but when I consider these little fortuitous events in a larger context it seems a little strange. It coincides with the astrological shift of the sun into the house of scorpio. (If you rolled your eyes, it’s ok, I did too. Did I even say that right? I don’t follow that stuff.) I do feel better lately though, more motivated, happier, more energized. Coincidental events always seem to taunt me too. It is like someone is playing a game with me, seeing just how far they can push things, how many clues they can leave before I catch on. Thoughts you have at the lab in the middle of a deserted campus at 2:14am in the morning…..

Received a late birthday present in the mail today, a webcam. To be honest, I wasn’t thrilled with this gift. I have one MSN friend/contact who is always taking these display picture shots with his and I always chuckle because they are these extremely cheesey pseudo-sexy poses that I just don’t want to see. I think these little devices promote vanity. I generally savour my anonymity…. but I admit, I was having fun playing with it earlier (when I really should have been leaving to go on campus to work.) I finally figured out how to focus and take pictures with it, and took a few. I have been paused on this sentence for a few minutes, hesitating, backspacing and rewriting it… Time to shatter your mental image of me.. So here I am, in my pajamas. I slept all day to achieve that meticulous just got out of bed look. (you can see the box the webcam came in on the table behind me). I don’t feel too good doing this, I feel like I am fishing for approval.

2025 me here: I really wish I had this missing image still on my computer.

Having a hard time getting back into the grind. I tasted relaxation and freedom from constant anxiety over making deadlines and I liked it. I’m going to need a small miracle to get my next assignment in on time (T-minus 8 hours). I am way too wired right now. Well rested and over caffeinated. It was the pizza too, many people don’t realize pizza is actually really low in fat, but loaded with sugar/carbohydrates. It’s like eating candy. I’ve been pacing tonight, can’t seem to slow down and focus. Maybe after writing this I will be able to get into it.

The following is a little bizarre and I am not proud of it. In class today I was in a little bit of a nasty mood (also exhausted). The reason being was that I had embarrassed myself in front of the professor. It wasn’t anything major, I had just dropped off an assignment for the course in the wrong location on Friday, I slid it under the door to the classroom (room 316) instead of at her office (room 361) like I was supposed to. Minor, I know. Still it made me feel stupid because she mentioned it at the start of todays class that she wanted the assignments in her office and not at the classroom and went on to explain that the classroom was used by many classes etc, etc. I knew she was addressing me directly even though she was very diplomatic about it and said “there were a couple assignments under the door when she got there in the morning”. I was doing a slow burn as the lecture started. So, what I have in my notebook is two pages of critical notes observing my professor like she was some sort of novel medical abnormality I was cataloguing for a journal. Really petty, superficial notes like unstylish clothes and grandma glasses, a frizzy puffy mess of hair, frumpy gnome like body, pale unheathly skin, large fleshy belly etc. I think I did this as a way to slip her ego underneath my own and feel better about myself. An ugly, uncharacteristic little exercise. Some of it is good hearted and actually pretty funny though.

It’s over. A quiet day I needed. Been reflecting on my relationships with family and friends today. I recieved an unexpected email from my little sister in B.C. who is a real fierce independant artistic type. Much more so than me, who isn’t mainstream (I hope). We have had virtually zero correspondence or conversation over the last 6 years or so, there isn’t any animosity between us, we just are both kind of detached. She complained a little of the distance and expressed a desire to have a better relationship but I think it was half hearted. Still I wrote an appropriately pleaseant and encouraging response. That is the theme of my immediate family, I think we all genuinely love each other greatly but we just have steaks of introvert in us. Now that we are all adults the distance is more marked. The last Christmas we were all together it was pretty weird and awkward. Like four old friends kind of just going through the motions. Enjoying each others company but not really displaying too much emotion. The love is there though. I also enjoyed the well wishing I recieved from friends and colleages today. Many of them relationships that I never seeked out, they just kind of developed. I have always thought of myself as someone who doesn’t mind not having a large circle of friends or a booming social life, but when I stop to think about it, maybe the reason I don’t feel lonely too often is that my social network is better than I know. Today was a good day.

2025 me here: There was an image here. Can’t remember what it was. This was such a grateful little post though.

Well, this is it. October 24th. I’m now 25. I’ve been killing myself lately, but I’m going to take today pretty easy. Going to let my body just sleep and sleep and sleep. I will splurge on some good food and dessert. My parents sent me a corny yet wonderful gift of a Simpsons chess set in the mail. Something I would never ever buy myself but love the fact that I now have it. Also some money that I am not sure they can part with and I will feel very guilty depositing into my account. I get the feeling they struggle financially and work so hard to give their two children every opportunity possible. I feel very blessed to have them. They really gave me my independence growing up but always made it clear that they were there supporting me, not forcing religion or any expectations upon me, but making sure I knew University would really have a positive effect on my future and self. It was the type of parenting I needed and am grateful for and they are still doing it today.

Wasn’t as bad as I implied below. Yay for short term memory. Still I just want to lay on the floor and groan. Hour and a half before I leave for a 12 hour shift. 😦

Exam 2 to 4pm today. How am I doing on it?

2025 me here: There was an image here. Lost to time I suppose.

Weeeeeeeeee. TOtally and Utterly exhausted…. At work….. exam tomorrow…. 3 hours sleep since Wednesday night ……was at the library tonight printing the notes for this class at 8 slides per page. There were so many…. they kept printing and printing…. and the longer they printed, the more I wanted to weep. Eyelids sooo heavy, so much coffee… hardly any effect…. I am in such a sorry state right now….. so much more to study. Fall asleep, jerk awake, read a few pages, repeat. I hate this.

Hitting a low point tonight. Burning out…. hopefully I can reignite fairly soon. Toast now though. Adapted from a Marc Maron rant, I like my version better though *ahem*:

I am riding on a Harley-Davidson, 100 Mph on a wind-swept desert flat, all alone. I’ve got a spiky mohawk and face paint, fingerless gloves and my body is covered with crude tatoos, metal studs and a tattered leather jacket. The sun is cold and pale and all around is miles and miles of horizontal emptiness. In the distance, a lone figure appears wearing a long coat of black crow feathers, a necklace of skulls, his face smeared with ash. He says “You’re late! Come with me, everybody’s waiting” We walk together for weeks until we reach a valley. There is an enormous geodisic dome covered in skins. We go inside where 200 beuatiful women from all over the world, all dressed in shredded furs are lounging around. He picks up a huge mallet and smacks a gong. “He’s here!!” he announces and points to me. The women.women squeal and rush towards me. “What’s going on?” I ask, as the women start picking at my clothes. “You and I are the only males left. You have to repopulate the continent, I have to go, besides I scare them, it’s probably the skull necklace.” He stepped outside, flapped his crow feathered coat and flew off. I watched him fade into a small black speck under the steel grey sky. Then I turned back to the dome full of women, hungry to start a new nation, I become calm for the first time in months.. I woke up and my bed was filed with cobalt.

Listening to amazing music right now. Hypnotech 3 is the band I believe. I’ve started to download online streams (CHRW indie programs and Morning Sedition from Air America), save them and then convert them to MP3. Right now I am listening to yesterdays 7am-11am broadcast of CHRW on my diskman. It seems they play the best music when I can’t listen to it. It took a lot of pain and headbanging to get the auto scheduler of this streaming program to work right and find the right conversion programs but I am happy with it now. The new Adbusters seems even more doom and gloom than usual. I wish everyone read it. The $7.95 cover price really hurts though. I need to stop putting off subscribing.

At the store yesterday when I was picking up a package at the post office (Birthday present for Sunday!) I bought 10 hot lips jube-jubes and stuffed all 10 in my mouth at once for the bike ride home. It was a challenge, but I pulled it off, I think I almost choked. My dentist told me I was one of those rare people that has room for their wisdom teeth. I guess I have a large mouth.

No coffee today yet…. I’ve been kind of floating around in a dreamlike state. Worries and anxiety aren’t as sharp. Small headache is gathering steam. It has to be withdrawal because I don’t think I had one yesterday either. Brain want it. Brain need it. I will give in a little later. Now that I have sat down and thunk about my day a little and all the stuff I have to get done, I am starting to panic. Easy easy. I had a Jones soda today, bubblegum flavour. And I bought the new Adbusters mag! Yaa. The shopkeep, a girl working at the campus variety store, the pit stop, looked at it with a perplexed look on her face. Maybe because it was printed on recycled paper and wasn’t glossy and shiny like all the other mags they hoc. I was hoping she would ask me about it so I could make some nasty little cutting remark like “I can tell by looking at you that you have never read it.” She was a bottle blonde, cute and fashionable like most of the girls on campus but probably stuck in her little bubble world where her only worries are looking good for class and who and where to go out on the weekend to get drunk and fucked by an equally phony superficial male.

2025 me here: There was likely an image of Simon John Charles Le Bon here. Replacing the broken link with a craptastic AI image. 

Wow, the lead singer of Duran Duran looks fat (Tonight Show), I see the future of (insert name of sexy young rock star here). I have a hard time sleeping on Tuesday nights since I have to adjust from working nights to 3 days off and sleeping at night. So I will probably watch Conan, at least until after the first guest. Dentist appointment tomorrow morning. He makes me pay up front, I don’t think that’s normal. I really hope I don’t need a root canal. What a boring post. My heart wasn’t in it. Apologies to anyone who read it.