Part 2:

A rare gathering of the trolls. The setting, a forest clearing. There is a bonfire with peasants slowly roasting above, the smell is intoxicating.  I look around, even amongst my own kind I am solitary. I am evaluating the hierarchy of power and where I fall. It seems I am regarded as repect worthy yet somewhere below the highest rung of power. The group seemingly in charge of this loose association brim with with pomp and self importance. They think they are so cunning. They are loud and crude, manipulative and condescending towards the lower castes. I make no effort to approach or rebuke their cautious acknowledgements of my presence. I know it is not my imposing physical stature that unnerves them. It is my contented silence. It is the complex dark intelligence that smolders behind my eyes that they catch a subconscious glimpse of when they make eye contact.

I am a troll with a big fucking axe. It is dripping with a thick mixture of horse and human blood. The sky is pure black, rolling unseen clouds pass slowly by. The icy wind whipping through the desolate barren mountain side cools my burning rage. My massive corded green muscles feel satisfyingly swollen and tight, jaw still clenched as I savour the bloodlust from this solitary encounter. I gaze down at the fresh iron-shelled corpse with disgust, the tremendous size of the dark liquidy crevasse running across the chest is obscene. That arrogant worm. I reach down and dig my sharp foul nails into the soft jelly like eye sockets, positioning the body so I can defile my prize. I raise my wicked axe high and bring it down with ungodly force through the knight’s thick neck, cleaving the head effortlessly. I pick it up, examine the still sneering mouth. Turning it over, I sink my large fangs deeply into the neck still gushing copious amounts of thick dark tangy red nectar. I love it, chewing and tongueing the flesh, feeling it between my teeth, slowly running down my throat. The bastard thought he could take me down, prove his worth to the other pathetic human maggots. They all die. The magnitude of the evil power corsing through my body is incomprehensible. It lends me strength and skill greater than all. No one will ever take me down.

Up an hour early today. Have to change my clocks soon, I needed that extra sleep.

You know.. I’m starting to wonder if plants even need water. Mine are so unbelievably neglected yet still green (mostly). Maybe they feed off of something different… like blood! I’ve got these strange puncture marks on my lower thigh… and there are leaves in my bed that weren’t there the night before… I think they are feeding on me… Aren’t they supposed to die after not getting water for three weeks?

I need some coffee…. posting about my plants… really.

More musicbox fun: Added a track from my favorite album of 2003; “Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Ha Ha High”, “!!! – Me And Giuliani Down By The Schoolyard”, “Peaches – I Don’t Give a Fuck”, and I swapped out the Stars track I added yesterday with another since it made made me think there was a kettle going off in the background. Ahhh I can’t stop… just added 5 more, tracks from: Hanayo, The Pillows, Local H, Lost Prophets and  Stereolab. Try the Hanayo track, I love that one.

Was soo tired last night. I set my alarm clock for 7am this morning but my body was not having it. Awoke at 11am. It was that no dreaming, dark, deep, pure black kind of sleep too. Death sleep. It wasn’t good either since I had no urgency at all when I finally got up. I should have been running around trying to get a million things done like I was on crack (crack’s a stimulant right?).  Highlight of the day was finding out they served free trade coffee at the Spoke (campus bar) at the same price as the slavery picked stuff. About the only good thing about the “new” Spoke (totally renovated this summer for those not in the know). I miss the canoe hanging from the roof and the grungy dirty…… everything. It is so clean and sterile now. Too bright too. It is like a study area/cafe. So incredibly NOT what I want my student bar to be. Today I wanted to be in my old Spoke. Somewhere on a stained couch in a dark corner reading a new book… with the bargirl bringing me cheap $2.50 Molson Canadians and Labatt Blues, drinking more and more, as simultaneously, my book kept getting more and more interesting.

Other themes of today:
-Miniscule bank account.
-Horribly done assignments.
-Lost my umbrella
. avp1781 has a map I liked.

Something is really messed up with my internet explorer, I can’t test any of the new songs I added (maybe someone else can let me know). I have to do everything through Mozilla.

Frou Frou is coming down. Stay tuned….. Yes, ok, I took Frou Frou and the Iron and Wine track down, they were both from the garden state soundtrack and they seemed to be appearing everywhere. I added 5 new tracks though. “Saul Williams – The Pledge”, which makes makes me feel a bit better about the lousy election. “Laurel Music – Alone In The Dark”, “Scissors Sisters – Better Luck”, “Stars – Sleep Tonight”, “Iron and Wine – Confession Cups and Someone’s Coat” (one that’s not on the garden state soundtrack). The Scissors Sister track is the most fun. The others are mellow… which is nice…

What an uber-shitty day. Stayed up until 5 or 6am last night watching the Bush theft play out once again. My blood courses with hatred for that man, I can’t help but be passionate about it. The mainstream media isn’t covering it but their was voter intimidation occurring all over Ohio and Florida. Don’t you think it is odd Florida wasn’t closer after all the outrage from 2000? New voting machines put in place with no paper records? The stories of push polling and campaign of misinformation focused on minority and low SES areas makes me sick. Maybe people just are incapable of seeing beyond their own little insulated bubble, maybe it was just ignorance prevailing. People want to get fat now, future generations be damned. The youth are too obsessed and absorbed in fake culture to drag their obese asses out to a voting booth. I have to let this go… it makes me shake with anger… Anyway, I had had an 8am date with the dentist. I managed to stay awake. I have a nice new filling. Yipee. Whoopdee freaking doo. I was a walking dark cloud of nastiness today. I need some sleep desperately. Goodnight. I have been appreciating and enjoying the comments.

I feel like throwing my TV out the window. Watching it crash and shatter into the pavement after gaining nine floors of momentum. I am too wired, too connected, absorbing too much toxicity. Things are breaking down and I am rapidly losing recovery time. Living in dead time.

I am going batty because I can’t focus on this damn testing assignment. It is so boring. I can’t overstate that enough. BORING. I am bored I can’t focus on it at all. I keep thinking of lousy Xanga… What will I post tonight? Who to subscribe to? Comments to leave. Ughness.

Today: The 10pm plan.

5:00-5:50: translate the test cases over. Get what I have and twea, tweak, tweak to get more transiotions.

6:00-6:50: 6:00-6:20 extra tweak time, 6:20-6:50 Execution of files. Problem reports.

7:00-7:50: Polishing?

8:00-8:50: D/C coverage expansion

9:00-10:00:D/C coverage expansion

10:00-10:30: cushion, assignment pack up

5:00: finish the test case data files. Go through… tweak and augment them as you convert them over.

6:00 now that you have untested test cases. run them one by one. Note any differing input. 7:00 Construct the problem reports.

Disillusioned. Going to have to find a way to move from anger and depression to some sort of acceptance. It is large jump. This is a victory for subsidized destruction of the environment, corporate power, mental and social pollution, toxic air, water and soil, a flight from nature. Religious fundamentalism, absurdity. The ship just sprung another leak. The other rats don’t realize it yet, but I have… it’s time to bail. You are living in a delirium, those of us with our heads above ground recognize it’s a nightmare.

“Is man one of God’s blunders? Or is God one of man’s blunders?”

Ohio…… Fucking Ohio.

Just woke up after sleeping most of the afternoon and tuned in to see the early election results. What I am seeing is discouraging. Voter intimidation is going to be the elections story. The NAACP is filing lawsuits in Michigan (I have Detroit network news) I bet it is bad everywhere else. The democrats knew it before hand too. I smell defeat… and not fair defeat either. I think it was Greg Pallast (a democrat investigator) that predicted a Republican victory due to voter intimidation shaving a few percent off of the vote with voter intimidation in battleground states. He knew the Republicans had lists of Florida challenge targets. I hope I am wrong… I’m getting my last beer out of the fridge.

Election day!

Looks like I initiated some-self reflection through a vague, (over)generalized comment: lizamae I will respond later as to what I was feeling and why I made it. (done.)

Monday, November 1, 2004:

(Crud. I didn’t want to combine yesterdays and todays posts.)

110! reasons why bush must go. I thought I would be pretty pumped up to see the election results tomorrow but I can’t seem to scrape up much fight right now. I find that Bush supporters tend to be uninformed and childlike in their belief in his abilities, they use arguments like “I just know” and “I just feel it”, and so on. I have a Christian fundamentalist co-worker that I tried to talk politics with, wow, I can’t believe the core beliefs and priorities some people live by, it is quite scary…. I feel pretty sour about the whole thing though. I was unbelievably crushed when Al Gore lost 4 years ago, it still really stings to think about. My largest issue is the environment, Al Gore would have looked after it like no one else ever before, he would have fought to have integrated the cost of damage to it into buisness, he understood the ecological footprint. He wrote a book, Earth in the Balance: Ecology and the Human Spirit…. Come on!! He would have been perfect!!!! Bush!!!! He is running not only the U.S.A. but the planet into the ground! Anger rising…. Fight returning!!! Howard Dean scream: YAAARHRGGARAGRGGRRRHHH!!!!! 

If you want to rewrite what’s been wrote… Vote!

If you want to squeeze the bastards throat… Vote!

If you want to keep your boat afloat… Vote!

If you are tired of the sugar coat… Vote!

If Bush makes you bloat… Vote!

If you are dying to emote… Vote!

If you’re a man and not a goat… Vote!

If you can’t sing a note… Vote!

If your couture is haute… Vote!

If your castle has a moat… Vote!

To not smite is to become smote… Vote!

If you are a Serb or a Croat… Vote!

If you can’t find the remote… Vote!

If you are in a German U-boot… Vote!

If you like Raison brand or Oat… Vote!

If Wednesday you want to gloat… Vote!

Restless tonight…. I wish I could afford to quit this job. Things are starting to unravel in some of my classes… I’m fraying at the edges. Calm down, calm down…. I haven’t been doing this blog (I hated that word the very first time I heard it) for very long and I am starting to pick up more hits and subscribers… It is starting to become an issue. Feedback is addictive. I think I need to slow down… maybe be more selective about where and when I comment. Maybe not, I don’t know. I wish I could listen to music here. I wish I had time to read. I am blowing my shot at grad school right now and it is killing me. I set the bar too high. An overloaded schedule and full time job… why did I think I could do it? Why do I care what anonymous people I will never meet think? Slow down…….. there is always something you can be doing to improve your curent situation. 

Happy Halloween!

Ok, since it is Halloween, I have a little story… was just interrupted by a little cute bear and bumblebee…. It touches a little on my October 12th post:

“5:20am. At work. Headache. Weary. I am a rotten employee. I actually used the sauna here for the first time ever tonight. I was cold so I decided it would be a nice way to warm up… it was. This place is very shining-like. A big upscale condo building with old fashioned decor. I am a glorified security guard/concierge with free reign of the place. Sometimes I watch TV in the exercise room, play pool in the billiards room etc. They dress me up in a suit and black silk tie … ehh maybe it’s rayon. Anyway, at night this place is kind of creepy. I don’t like the west wing hallway on the first floor. I’ve worked here for 3 or 4 years (all while a student) and I have known three people who have died living off/in that hallway. It always seems colder than all the other floors (even than the other wing on the same floor) and the light at the end of it always seems unusually bright. It is the only one I don’t walk down when I am checking for damage. Just got a shiver. ANd there was also that one time……..”

I will now describe that one time. (Cue scary music and deep, ominous laugh.) At the very end of that long hallway, right beside that strangely bright light used to live an older widow, Mrs. Yves. Aged somewhere in the range of 50 to 60. She had endured a long battle with cancer before she died earlier this year. She was a proud yet very kind woman, who always walked with a cart in front of her filled with documents or groceries. I think it is because she needed the assistance to steady herself but didn’t want to get a walker so soon. Every evening, she had a little ritual of walking the first floor hallway, going from her apartment to the other other end and back again. I always knew it was her because her little metal cart squeaked and had a characteristic sound. Out of all the other concierges here, I think I was her favorite. She often came in late, (I do most of the night shifts here) and I always offered assistance when I saw her come in through our parking garage. Last Christmas she gave me a bottle of good red wine. The staff here knew that during the summer things were gradually getting worse for her, doctors were making more frequent housecalls, more visits from her sister etc. One night this summer, between the time of 3am and 4am on a Monday night-Tuesday morning shift I was walking all the hallways of the building on an interior patrol. I remember feeling a little nervous doing that patrol, which is fairly normal though, this place really has a bizarre feel to it in the middle of the night. ….Interrupted again, a little lion….. Ok, so I am patrolling. In this building the hallways get longer as you get closer to the bottom, so I usually start at the top and work my way down, floor by floor. When walking down a corridor, hallway or narrow, long path do you ever get a sense of dread at what could be behind you? I do, and it never helps when you look back and nothing’s there because as soon as your eyes are forward again, you feel another chill and immediately want to look back again…. I got down to the first floor and was experiencing this emotion, but with a grim determination not to look back and walk at a slow pace. I failed, I looked behind me…. and there was Mrs. Yves. REALLY CLOSE. I yelped loud. She really scared me good. I hadn’t heard anything, she had somehow just gotten really close, cart and all. She told me “I can’t sleep, I need to walk around.” I thought “She is probably in pain.” and felt sympathetic. She asked me if I would have tea with her in her apartment. Now this is an unusual request, but I knew she was dying and felt bad for her, so I tentatively agreed. We went to her apartment and she made me Apple Cinnamon tea, which I enjoyed. Her voice was hoarse, and seemed somewhat strained, but she talked about how much she appreciated what the staff here and me in particular, did for her, as well as how her husband had died 5 years previous but had made enough money in real estate to allow her to live in such a nice building and atmosphere. I said my goodbye and wished her well, and finished the rest of my shift without event. A few hours later when my supervisor John arrived, I mentioned to him my encounter with Mrs. Yves with the intention of getting an update on her condition. I can’t remember how he said it and how our conversation went because it was so stunning, but what I do remember is him saying to me “Mrs.Yves died last Monday.” (!!!!!!) ……….. I was so shocked I couldn’t even argue.. I just told him “nevermind…. yeah, I meant last week.. this happened… ahhh… “. I later found out that the apartment was supposedly mostly empty when we had tea together there, her younger sister had moved much of her things out throughout the week… (I remember it being totally furnished..) Anyway…. the new people who live there are really nice…. they actually smile ALL the time. I find that creepy too.

Despite the cheery greeting, I am not enjoying things so far. This is by far my favorite holiday and I am stuck at work for both tonight and Sunday. I was able to book time off last year, and had an excellent night. See below: I’m the cow. (at the Richmond St. bar, The Ceeps)

2025 me here: Another college age picture lost to time. I remember that cow costume though.

It is so beautiful out tonight too, temperature typical of June. I love this time of year. Hate being here. Left some pretty random comments on a variety of Xanga pages tonight. Haven’t been myself… A bundle of tension and anxiety. Maybe it’s all the candy I am incessantly eating…

I have a top ten favorite scary movie list. Let me preface it a little by describing the circumstances under which I watched most of them. When I was little, around 7-12, my mom would let me rent anything. (She had me at 19, so when I was 8, she was only two years older than I am now.) Anyway, I think she enjoyed letting me pick out whatever video I wanted and then watching my innocent, wide-eyed reactions to them. They scared the shit out of me, but kids have short memories and always on the next trip to the video store, I would still go running for the horror section, excited to pick out something new. I loved looking at the artwork on the boxes and I loved the fact that my mom let me get them even when my dad voiced concern. So yeah… I have quite extensive horror movie experience, much of it occurring in my formative years. So here is the list, this was tough, I’ve seen a million of them and as I was doing this I kept remembering more and bumping others out of the top 10. The Stuff is pretty obscure but is a sentimental favorite and earns bonus points for scaring the hell out of me. Note, only one post-eighties movie made it.

(10) Hellraiser (1987)
(9) The Ring (2002)
(8) Evil Dead 2 (1987)
(7) A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
(6) House (1986)
(5) The Shining (1980)
(4) Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (1978)
(3) The Fly (1986)
(2) The Stuff (1985) Are you eating it….. or is it eating you?
(1) The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

Strung out on chocolate.

I forgot it was Halloween weekend and that there was going to be baskets full of candy and chocolate bars here at work. We are responsible for dispensing it incrementally since we have one old lady here who will sit beside the front desk (on her walker or a chair) and eat the candy basket empty as she chats to the concierge (my glorious occupation) on duty. I actually have specific written orders from my supervisor not to let anyone “pig out”…… but……. I CAN’T RESIST!!! I have such a terrible sweet tooth. Especially for chocolate! FYI: Chocolate stimulates the same location in your brain as an orgasm. Putting me in charge of the Halloween candy is like… lets see … putting Micheal Jackson in charge of kids… We both just have to devour them all… That was wide open, and that was the best I could do, there’s a better joke in there somewhere. Anyway, skipping the coffee tonight, I’m sure all those little kitkats and coffee crisps have provided the necessary dose of caffeine.