Need some coffee and breakfast. Just realized I spelt breakfast wrong the other day. Yes. Break-fast makes more sense. There’s no reason to break the fest or feast. It looks cold out. Life without a car is like living as a pre-agriculture hunter-gatherer. Forced to make the cold trek through the urban winter landscape to the supermarket with my deer skin backpack. I enjoy it though., I’ll dress warm and take some good music for the walk. Trying to convince myself to get going here, it is snowing and cold and im so warm in my pajamas right now. I don’t care if this little entry is inane and rambling. Not in the mood to consider anything outside my own little world. This Superwolf album I just got is nice.

A day of decompression. There are a lot of little thoughts on my mind. I had a hard time not counting and carefully measuring the hours today.  Slipping into a less frantic state of being can’t be done so suddenly. My dayplanner/scheduler was opened for the first time since the middle of November. I had to tear out thirty or so of those little corner triangles. Things were so frantic I couldn’t deal with all the deadlines. I adopted a “just worry about one thing at a time” attitude. This is a well honed skill in my repertoire. It got me through very troubled waters over the past few weeks. In a relationship it can be a damaging attribute. Now that the blinders are off I can see signs of neglect all over this broader field of vision.

My volatile long distance girlfriend is coming for Christmas next week. I don’t talk about her much here but we have some serious issues to say the least. I once saw on a Xanga page someone name the men/boys in her life after video game characters (I asked to be Pacman and never heard back).
So I’m naming my girlfriend after an anime character, Merle, the Vision of Escaflowne catgirl (picture 4 posts down), due to personality similarities. (Think borderline personality disorder.) I’ve never met anyone who could rile me up into such a state of pure rage or on the flip side make me feel so loved. The chances of me being either broken up or engaged after the holidays are probably even odds. More likely is neither. In one, maybe two of her past relationships I think she dominated. Some guys are such pathetic lap dogs. She has actually said to me “I like how you put me in my place.” It was after she snapped at me for something trivial and I roared back at her. Women don’t want men who worship them and throw flower petals at their feet all day long. That is boring. (That’s right ladies. I’m telling you what you want.) They want someone who will proudly stand on his own with or without her. It is like that stupid book, “The Rules” in reverse.

This post has wandered into pastures I didn’t intend to visit. That ok though. On a side note, I realized I am totally out of shape tonight. I know because of how so very weak I was during my oft skipped standardized workout. I think a lot of it has to do with how poor I’ve been eating lately. My diet used to be so varied and healthy, now it has degraded into all high sugar and fat with little vegetation. I’ve also been flirting with the idea of quitting coffee for the next three weeks. The last time this stunt was attempted I felt lethargic the whole time.