Wokeup at 1:30pm today, the normal time for a Saturday since I work Friday nights. I actually should sleep longer but I seem to be incapable of it on the weekends. Sooner or later my body will just shut down and sleep for 10-12 hours, morning classes be damned. I was in a really weird mood last night. I kept stepping out of the moment in a daze to ponder… anything. A little bit of what I was thinking of cameout in my post yesterday. I also thought about my dysfunctional relationship, the chaos my academic life is in, an arrogant asshole I have to deal with sometimes, Xangans, the ticking of the clock behind me, the cool feel of the ugly maroon leather on my uncomfortable chair. Then I would think “this is so surreal, everything is so hazy right now. I am not going to remember anything from tonight later” The thing is I remember it vividly. It is when I am in the moment that time flies by and memories formed are blurred. I can see myself so clearly sitting alone at 5am in that dark conference room underneath a powerless chandelier with my cold water bottle in my lap looking out the back doors into the soft rain falling on the courtyard, just gazing out and savouring the moment and my bittersweet thoughts.

I had trouble choosing music this morning. This odd mood lingers. It took me a while before I could find something I could stand. I settled on the new Stars album. It is a decent fit.

I have to expunge a little bit of darkness tonight. It is welling up inside. I can feel it flowing through my soft tissues. It is metallic and sickly sweet.

We’re headed for a crash. Global catastrophe. Why can’t any of you see it? Why is there so much individual intelligence but collectively we behave like lemmings? Maybe it’s because you are all wrapped up in your own little lives selfishly trying to grab an extra large piece of the pie. You can’t be bothered to think outside your own little personal monkeysphere and notice the flames. Your brain isn’t capable of caring for the hundreds of millions of people that starve to death every year. You either can’t see the long term consequences of your piggish actions or you just don’t care you selfish fuck.

After the crash I’m going to head north. The soil on the Canadian shield isn’t great but it’s home. Potatoes grow fairly well there. Hunting and fishing is excellent. My father and I have enough woodcraft to get by. Things are going to get ugly in the city when the food starts to run out. After the initial few years of chaos things will get better. Maybe then people will remember that the economy is a creation of ours, it works for us, not the other way around. That void you feel can’t be filled at the shopping mall.

I was unsuccessful in my goal… the darkness is still there. All I did was get righteous and vent. I would have done it more eloquently if I wasn’t dog tired.